Last night was one I will treasure in my heart for as long as I live. My beautiful boyfriend took me to dinner where we consumed plates of hearty comfort food (rotisserie chicken and mashed potatoes) and we smiled across the table at each other. Then we came back to my place, put a romantic comedy into the DVD player and snuggled gently for two hours. I didn’t feel an ounce of self-consciousness about my fleshy body as we spooned. My boyfriend loves every inch of me and there are a lot of inches to love.
So, imagine my anger at a European study on obesity and the sex lives of fat women. The study essentially states that while fat European guys have as much sex as their thinner counterparts, overweight women report having 30-percent less sex than their normal weight sisters. I was completely appalled. I believe the study is flawed and wrong.
I’ve been fat for many years. It crept onto my body slowly, starting in adolescence. I was able to keep many of the fat cells at bay when I was younger mostly through exercise and sports. I played basketball, rode my bicycle everywhere and did a lot of walking. A few injuries in my teens and later on made keeping up with my workouts hard. The pounds piled on me so quickly in my 20s—it wasn’t long before I weighed as much as two people.
During that time, I was struggling to make my marriage work and fighting many demons of my past including rape, being kidnapped and the long-term effects of escaping a cult-like religion. I eventually decided to get gastric bypass surgery when I was 28. It helped remove some of the excess weight, but it stopped being effective after I dropped close to 80 pounds. Then some of the weight crept back on after my marriage fell apart. I am a long way from the place where I started when I had the surgery, but I am still fat. I am not going to put my life on hold until the weight is gone and that includes enjoying a healthy love life with lots of sex in it.
I have stopped hating my body and started to love it and take care of it more. Part of what has helped me accept that I am a person worthy of love is being loved by others and having sex. While I am not the size most men find attractive, quite a lot of men have appreciation for my curves. Rather than curse the extra pounds as evil, I’ve embraced my body as a work of art. I play up the parts that make me lovelier and downplay whatever makes me less happy. I refuse to hate any part of myself—enough people in the world already do.
That is why I’ve joined groups like “Real Women Have Curves…Not The Body of a 12-year-old Boy.” No matter if you’re a size two or a size 28 (like me), loving yourself will always make you more lovable to others. Seeing all the shapes that women come in will also make you appreciate what you have even more. Don’t shun the beach or the pool, go and let the sun touch your skin and fill you up with vitamins and joy. Celebrate you. Don’t let the haters keep you down.
After reading the study, I concluded that the men probably exaggerated and embellished their sex life stats. I’ve also come to see that while fat guys are generally accepted in society and are allowed hot wives and girlfriends (see half the sitcoms on American television—“King of Queens,” anyone?), fat chicks are supposed to wear burqas that make us disappear magically. I’m not going gently into that dark night.
I understand the health issues associated with being overweight. I’m fat, not stupid. This post is not about that (and don’t hijack the comments sections with your helpful advice on how I should go about losing weight—I’m not asking for your help). This is about learning to love people for who they are not for the person they have the potential to become. And that starts today with you.
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Comments
I'm trying to find that acceptance for myself as the pounds have leapt (not crept!) on in the past three years. It's not easy... but reading things like this definitely helps.
When you treat yourself to good things (like a piece of good chocolate now and then), it shows in your outlook and draws people to you. I enjoy spreading the word about self care. It really does make a difference in your life.
I'd like to lose more weight (I have been gradually losing for the past few months), but I can't kill myself to do it. And if I'm never a skinny girl, I'm okay with that, too. I have friends of every shape and size and we all have body issues. I just want everyone to learn to love what they have and accept that nobody is perfect.
@Mark: See above comments. I agree Meghan Fox could probably stand to have some extra lbs., but if she's happy with her body, I'm happy for her. I have no personal desire to be as thin as she is. I hope she's not starving to death.
@Oryoki: I look at old pictures of myself as a "heavy" teenager. I was between a size 12 and size 14 which are closer to a size 10 by today's standards. I wasn't fat. And damn I was cute! A little upturned nose, healthy face and a butt that still gets compliments. But because I wasn't as thin as some of the other girls, I was tortured by bullies and others about my weight. You should have seen my legs! I used to lift weights and ride my bike everywhere. I had the sexiest thighs (I miss them). I wished I'd have known how beautiful I was then. I'm glad I see it now.
@Scanner: Of course we are friends! Just like I think it would be boring to look like everyone else, I think it's stupid to think we always have to agree. You have your ideas about obesity/fat society and I have mine. We obviously don't share the same ideas on all of it, but I do agree with you that kids today need more exercise and healthier food choices. Even when I was a kids, school lunches were much healthier. We had pizza and fried foods no more than once a week as a treat (which is how adults should view this food, too!).
Fast food was once my best friend. Now I see it as an occasional treat. I love Taco Bell (I wish we had Del Taco out here). I crave Wendy's Deluxe burgers with bacon (I like bacon on almost everything). I do most of my own cooking nowadays using whole foods and healthy ingredients. I love olive oil but I use a bit of butter, too. My cholesterol, blood pressure and blood sugars are all normal, so I know I'm doing something right.
I just think that a lot of us would be happier, healthier people if we loved ourselves more. It also helps to embrace love when you get it. That's why I think fat people should try to have as much sex as possible. It's good for your metaphorical and physical heart. It helps you break a sweat. It also makes you feel so good! I'm afraid that some of the women in the French study may be denying themselves the right to enjoy sex because they hate their own bodies. Gosh, I hope that's not the case!
http://open.salon.com/blog/thoth/2009/07/11/conformism_and_the_perversion_of_the_american_male
Great post, R.
I'm on a microwave popcorn diet at the moment, it's very self-limiting, and a moving experience.
(Rated, dammit, because I like you!)
@Thoth: I read and rated your post. Oddly, with a few exceptions, most of my boyfriends have been very tall, very thin guys. Not that I've chosen them for that--they've chosen me. The one or two fat guys I've hit on in my life would not give me the time of day. They thought they were "too good" for me because they had dated thinner women. It's an odd paradox.
@Fred: Glad to know you like me, you really like me! I like you, too! And yes, I am banging the drum about self-acceptance for all. But especially for fat people because we need to remember we deserve love even if the rest of the world does not.
From that point on, you lost this member of your audience because I don't appreciate hypocrisy. Telling people that they should love themselves regardless of their body is great until you start dissing "others" for not being like yours (no matter what your body type).
I happen to be thin. My late wife happened to be thin. Neither of us had/have large breasts. Calling people with our body shape "12 y.o. boys" is every bit as disgusting as someone insulting a large person by calling them a whale or fatty.
In your own words you said "This is about learning to love people for who they are". Don't you get that disrespecting others doesn't make you better?
Like you said, you're not stupid, so I'd have thought you'd have realized that respect is a two way street.
I have NOTHING against naturally-thin people. Did you see me ganging up on you and bashing you? If you did, you were either reading someone else's blog or maybe enjoying a mind-altering substance.
By the way, if you check out the link I posted for "Real Women Have Curves...Not The Body of A 12-year-old Boy," you'd see that nobody is bashing you there, either. Women of size are picked on 100 times more than you thin girls are. That is why we have to do all we can to shore up our self-esteem.
There are fat people who do lash out at thin people as if all thin people hated all fat people. I'm not one of them. I have never referred to another woman as a "skinny bitch" because it's not nice and it's not fair. I don't call people names. Mama raised me right.
You seem to me to be an open, raw nerve sometimes. I don't know when you lost your wife, but I extend my condolences. I am sorry for you and what you've lost even though I have no idea what you had with her, I can empathize. That is all I'm asking here.
In the past day, I read Scanner and Lovely's posts about obesity and it provoked my own ideas on the subject--something I know first-hand. And last night, as I cuddled with my beloved boyfriend, I felt so wonderful and wanted to share that with the world, too. It has been two long years since I've been in a relationship because I was afraid and now I'm not. Part of it was because of my weight.
I am not picking on you, but since I your first comment, you've kind of jumped on me. Have fun with that. I'm not going to delete your comments or instruct you what to write. Please don't tell me how to feel.
I've always been thin (except for temporarily after having a baby, and even then I'm probably a size 8 at the biggest) and come from a thin family. I don't really care if people feel the need to make comments about me not being a "real woman" or looking "unhealthy" or "stick like" or "like a 12 year old boy." I'm so glad I'm thin. I know how much easier my life is because of it (even though, of course, I scrutinize my figure on the regular and have a 25-point list detailing things I'd like to improve upon!) If it gives a hefty woman a bit of a boost to call me a stick - whatever. I'll let her have it. I know its not about me. Let's be honest - I am at a serious societal advantage because I'm slim, and it makes sense that people who don't share that advantage get a little feisty about it.
As for my point, which you ignored during your diatribe again me personally, is that any organization with the word "Not" in it's name is inherently divisive.
"Real Women Have Curves...Not The Body of A 12-year-old Boy" IS bashing other people. Are you honestly going to try to say that the name of this group doesn't pick out a select group of people and disrespect them? Seriously???
I also agree that women of size do get bashed a lot, but that does NOT give them the right to bash others just to make themselves feel better. Wouldn't it be better to base our own self worth and image on who we are as people?
You have personally been bashed for your size. I've been personally bashed for my orientation. We have both been victims of juvenile abuse and rape. I am delighted that you feel wonderful and enjoyed what sounded like a great evening with your boyfriend. I also thank you for condolences.
We, very obviously to me, have a great many things in common and are much alike. So, in my shoes don't you think you would take exception with someone calling you, and other women with the same body type, a 12 year old boy?
Can't you see how disrespectful that is and, quite honestly, how sexist it is as well?
Can you tell me how doing the exact same thing to others, that you personally find unacceptable, is suddenly okay?
I do have to say one thing, however.
Safe-Bet's Amy: you made a really great point. In talking about thin women in a disparaging way, many big women find comfort. But it's hypocrisy. (I am speaking from my own history, Kat... not trying to comb through your motives.) I've said things (even very recently) like "big women are better in bed" because we are lush and we know every sexual trick in the book - we have to. But that's ridiculous. It's a way to denigrate other people to make myself feel better. Sex is a uniquely personal experience for every human being, and to think I corner the market on it is just egotistical slop. I will be mindful of this in the future. I can't put up a posting like the one I made here in the past couple of days, begging for tolerance, and then put words like that into the universe. For my part, it's insecurity and jealousy, and it will change.
Kat: You are amazing. I hope you never for one moment stop loving who you are. Except for my body, I do. I will start working on that part. Your example helps me.
I'm also trying to lose weight, but what I'm finding is, it's actually not self-hatred that fuels this - it's self-love. This is what helps me feel better about making healthier lifestyle changes, which is really where the focus should be, not just on measuring how many pounds or inches come off.
Have you ever read anything by Geneer Roth? I am really getting into her books. She talks so much about this.
I believe it's called, freedom of choice. If some men don't like fat women, they don't need to be chastised.
Most people like roses. They wouldn't trade it for a cauliflower. They are not anti-cauliflower, they just prefer roses.
See, where I am coming from?
And if you're equating smaller women to roses and larger ones to cauliflowers, you sir, are an ASSHOLE of the highest order.
Yes, to each his or her own. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder--blah, blah, blah. I'm saying a great attitude trumps everything. In my boyfriend's eyes, I'm the prettiest flower in the field--and I'm a wildflower.
Flowers I don't believe are "freakin flowers". I was making an analogy. Out there in the garden, called planet earth, there's millions of choices and there should be no compulsion to go with one and not the other.
You say women are not meant to be men's "eye candy". If there's pressure on women, there's pressure on men too, to appear appealing. How many women look at men in the order that you suggest? Again, I'd say, these are personal choices; it's called freedom.
If we wanna go into polemic's one could argue that the very title " Real women have curves" may not go down well with the less curvy women.
That's just me.
I'm glad you feel good about yourself. Some of us do not equate what you refer to as "curves" but which is more likely folds of fat, as sexy in ourselves or others.
To each his own.
I am the creator of the page you are referring to: Real Women Have Curves...Not The Body Of A 12 Year Old Boy.
I want to start off by saying I didn't create this page to insult naturally thin women. I made the page in hopes to help fuller women feel comfortable in their own skin. A place that "bigger" ladies can come too and feel comfortable with who they are and not have to worry about fitting in and/or impressing anyone.
The title may seem offensive to people who don't understand the pun behind it; Its a blunt "hidden" message to let women of all shapes, sizes, colors and ages know and understand that they don't have to do extreme dieting or purging to be what society wants them to be.
I am 24, 5'6", & 207lbs. I am not as you would say jealous about thinner women. I am more irritated to turn on the TV, open a magazine or even walk in my neighborhood, to see girls younger and younger obsess about their weight and reputation.
My group has been very inspiring to all types of people, men and women, who message me almost on a daily basis thanking me for creating the RWHC page. They have shared with me such sad and strong stories and just my little Facebook page has helped them come over Anorexia, depression, and self-esteem issues. I recently started a new fun way to promote beautiful women; each Monday, I pick a random fan photo of real fans, real women and for that week, I use their photo as the pages default.
I'm sorry if my page offends you, it was created to empower you and make you love yourself. And I do think that all women are beautiful no matter what shape or size, I just wish others would realize that too.
Its clear you don't understand my message. I am not going to try and prove you wrong, or insult you like you feel is right to do to me. If you don't agree with my page then just ignore it. There are damn near 200,000 other people who support curvy women and to them, that's everything. I am not here to argue I only wanted to explain the reason behind the name and the page. Once again, its NOT negative towards naturally small and petite women. Its just a kind of subliminal message to women of all ages to not let society, men, magazines and celebs tell them they have to starve, diet, throw up or do extreme exercise to be a "perfect" size 0.
Love who you are and what the Lord gave you. Live healthy, don't live a lie.
Angela
Is it negative toward women who work out and watch their diet in order to maintain a certain body weight/shape? It seems like that's where the animosity lies - not toward women who are effortlessly thin, but toward those who make it a priority to not allow themselves to gain excess weight. Your group doesn't offend me, even though I am neither curvy nor overweight - just wondering.