I wonder how many people answered ‘yes’?  I wonder if that will be your answer by the end of this…

I believe there is a BIG difference between having compassion towards someone with a mental illness and letting him or her walk over you by using it as an excuse.  I know, I know, you are going to say, "yes but some mental illnesses preclude people from knowing they are out of line."  Yes, at times, this is true.  However, there is a key time that comes, the time after they have realized they have been in a manic, triggered, altered or whatever state causes the onset of disturbing behavior, and in my opinion, it is their responsibility to do their utmost to amend that behavior. While this is not always possible, it is the only true path to healing if the person is able and willing to heal.  

Notice I did not say apologizes; I believe apologies become meaningless somewhere near the third or fourth round.  I said amend, which means to change by taking responsibility for it, seek help, be honest about it with those who will respect you and listen (and there are plenty who won’t – I recommend cutting those people out of your life until you are at a place where their judgment won’t matter to you or indefinitely if you must), and when you make a mistake, simply do your best to correct it.  If you do not have a team of healers, it would be in your best interest to get one.  It will be this support network that will be essential to help you overcome the hurdles you encounter.  They will teach you to jump higher.  Friends are great, but it is not their job to be professional psychologists (although many like to play them).

As a mentally ill person do you have a right to expect compassion?  In my experience, only from yourself.  The key word is "expect."  You have a right to not allow others to treat you rudely, set boundaries, and be firm in your truth. Also, please notice I never used the word 'deserved', of course everyone deserves compassion.  Yet, the reality is, we still live in a world which is in lack of supply of it.  If you wait around for others to provide you the heart you need in your life to heal, you will most likely wait a long time.  It does not dismiss the idea that more compassion in this world would be revolutionary.  However, I firmly believe this starts from within so you can spread it without.  Even here, the great quote from Gandhi applies, “Be the change you want to see in the world."  

Anyone with a mental illness rooted in trauma, who is an adult, is also responsible for that illness.  I do not believe it is the responsibility of someone’s abuser, family, friends, coworkers, or any other endless list of people who I have heard used.  This does not mean the abuser was not the cause, but this time has passed, and it is time to make a decision:  move forward or not.   Frankly, I believe using any one person or event as an excuse, will alienate you from the very people who are capable of providing compassion.  It shows you are only willing to stay in bitterness rather than take the next steps to healing.  Would you want to be in the company of that?  

I am not speaking to anything in the schizoid-affected or autism spectrum.  However, in terms of Bi-Polar I & II (Previously referred to as Manic Depressive); Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Simple & Complex (PTSD); Dissociation (Dissociative Identity Disorder is what most therapist refer to now instead of Multiple Personality Disorder, this is another spectrum disorder); Borderline Personality Disorder; Attachment Disorder; Narcissism; Sociopathy, and Alcoholism/Drug Addiction, this readily applies.

If you are trying to support someone who allows their mental illness to hold others hostage with chronic vitriolic behavior without accountability for their actions, you are enabling them to remain ill.  I don't care how terrible their situation was or is.  If they need help, there are entire systems available to support them; it is their responsibility to ask for the help they need.  I am saying this because it is absolutely essential to recovery; it is how I have seen every succesful recovery work.  The exception would be an intervention, and typically these usually have a one chance appeal.  In other words, use this card wisely and with the help of professional direction.

I know you may not want to hear this, but you are just not as important as you may think you are to this person's recovery.  If you think your role is that important, you are definitely not the right person to help them.  It isn't about you either.  Support is just that, support - not defender, activist, semi-professional annihilator of all evils on their behalf (remember, this is coming from someone who spent quite a bit of time wanting to be rescued herself).  The professionals really need to have a lead in directing a person's mental health.  If someone is not receiving professional help, their mental illness is untreated and you are not dealing with someone who can engage with you on your level, at least all the time.  The best thing you can do is provide them with resources and potentially get them to these resources.

Many of us want to be compassionate souls, I know I do; I am not always successful, I am no saint. When someone's mental illness runs roughshot on my life, and they do not have the willingness to address their behavior, this is rather simple, yet hard, to deal with.  I do not expend energy trying to help them change.  It is their life, and it is up to them as to the quality they desire for themselves.  Firsthand, I can tell you, the work for any type of trauma recovery is very, very difficult, so I respect the decision not to want to do it.  However, I also respect myself enough to know I deserve non-toxic relationships and I will not be involved with someone who over steps my boundaries or will not honor my choice of recovery.  This is not easy, but as time has taught me, very necessary.

For those who do not have the skills to recover, I am always happy to point them to any available resources I know of and wait to hear how I may be helpful to them.  The key for me in caregiving is not directing any one else's life, but waiting to see how I may be of assistance.  The best spiritual tool I have is a prayer called tonglen.  It is amazingly powerful and can be used for a variety of situations, even someone you meet on the street.  A homeless aid worker introduced it to me, it is the prayer I use the most in my life.

I am recovering from, worked with, and know many people who have these illnesses.  Most people live normal, healthy lives in recovery from mental illness.  The ones who are successful in their recoveries from trauma follow the guidelines I have mentioned above of self-accountability and understand at one time in their lives they were victims of crime but refuse to have a victim mentality.  I also have seen my daughter through recovery from her own PTSD; we just eclipsed the three-year anniversary of her introduction to counseling.  Those in recovery from mood disorders, treat it like they have diabetes and do not use it as a crutch nor an excuse.  Rarely have I seen mood disorders as a diagnosis for chronic caustic behavior; usually those types of challenges lie within personality disorders.

There are women in Darfur who will never see the light of a counseling center.  I was blessed with that opportunity and I did not let it pass me by.  America has a lot of resources, although dwindling in this economy, and they are available if someone really wants to get well.  I don't know anyone who didn't overcome many hard knocks along this road, and they were succesful by searching out support.  When one situation failed, they looked to another.  Learning to use your internal compass and decide who is coming from love is essential in finding your support network.  You can always feel it if you are open to it.

I have encountered many people who could not attune to what I was going through and were unwilling to support me.  When I quit expecting certain people to be there for me, the right people showed up.  The universe is magical this way.  Also, this does not mean I allowed people to be cruel or unkind to me.  People who were rude, hostile, or indifferent, quickly lost priority in my life – this included “family”.  I used boundaries at first, and if they were overstepped, I learned how to set new ones in a manner that was proportionate to the offense. 

∞

I will leave you with the story that was truly the turning point in my life.  I was in a treatment facility for alcohol and drug addiction when I became very suicidal.  It could have been due to the drug withdrawl or another of other factors – who knows.  It scared the hell out of me.  I went to my counselor, who I didn’t like, based on the fact he represented authority, and told him this because I was so freaked out.  He didn’t seem that fazed but calmly gave me instructions, which I followed.  Later, I was called out of lecture to come to the nurse's office.  A group of three people were there for me to sign a “no suicide” contract.  I was humiliated which in turn made me infuriated.  After signing it, I went back to the lecture hall shaking.  When group came, I gave this man the stink eye of the ages and would not talk.  My knee shook up and down like a drum beating to the rhythm of ants on crack.  I did not speak in the group for three days (I am sure that hurt every one so much more than me).  Finally, on the third day, I somehow was left to walk back to the main building with my counselor.  Very maturely, I tried to walk ahead.

He said, “Kate, can I speak with you?”

Awkwardly I stopped.  “What?” I said in my most snarly tone.

“I want to apologize to you for having to report our conversation to the treatment director.  If I could have possibly gotten away with it, I would not have, but I could have lost my job if I didn’t.  I can see how much it embarrassed you and it pains me greatly.  I am very, very sorry.”

In that moment, I knew the power of love from one human being to another.  We both knew he didn’t have to say that, he could have hid behind the covenants of his job description and left me to get over it.  But, he didn’t.  He told me the truth, with heart. 

∞

Comments are off due to reasons previously mentioned, feel free to PM.  Love to you all, especially the mentally ill.