If there is a national consensus about one thing in the health care reform debate, it is that the wrangling has gone on long enough. At a recent bipartisan health care summit, President Obama announced it was time "to start delivering the change" voters requested.
However, shady sources from a nearby crisis counseling center indicate that some key players want the defenseless, still-developing bill to die.
Specifically, these sources indicate that Republican Senators and Representatives are adamant in pressing for a late-term abortion of the current health care reform bill.
"We're just not fiscally or emotionally prepared to provide for the extensive demands of this fledgling legislation," remarked Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY).
"Maybe when we're a little older," he added, "we can start over with an entirely new bill."
The size of the current bill was a major issue, with some suggesting its delivery posed a threat to the health of America herself.
"This thing is huge! Do you have any idea where bills come from?" a clearly distressed Sen. Olympia Snow (R-ME) exclaimed. "This is not going to be pretty."
Meanwhile, expectant Democrats advocated expanding the bill through a steady diet of pickles and ice cream.
"Healthy eating is the future of a healthier America, and that future starts – soon, like maybe next year, when the cravings have passed" explained Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY).
Democrats also largely preferred a natural delivery, insisting that the bill would come along soon enough and on its own time.
"It's been gestating for months and months – this bill has a life of its own at this point," admitted staunchly pro-life Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL).
"Whenever it's ready, whatever its limitations, when it passes, we will love this little bundle of legislation with all our hearts," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
"Even if it's retarded," added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "Sorry, 'developmentally disabled.' "
Throughout the summit, members of both parties participated in deep-breathing exercises led by President Obama, but the bipartisanship stopped there.
"I have a purple heart, but this bill's ticker beats blue – I've seen the ultrasound," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "And you promised you would use protection during the campaign," he added.
"John, the campaign is over," President Obama retorted.
Meanwhile, others worried that the profound stress of the ongoing debate might affect the bill later.
"What if it's stunted from all this bickering? What if it grows up to commit unspeakable acts of preexisting evil?" worried Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Aetna).
"The costs could be astronomical," Lieberman continued.
"Sometimes, you have to think of the other bills that have already passed and need our support to be successful. Like these guys," he explained, opening his wallet to show off a collection of chubby-cheeked Franklins, McKinleys, and Clevelands.
"Aren't they darling?"
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Michael Fox
Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
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