Kathy Riordan

Kathy Riordan
Location
Florida, United States
Birthday
April 27
Bio
One woman's view of life and the universe. Follow @katriord on Twitter.

MY RECENT POSTS

Kathy Riordan's Links

What I Can't Write About
Poetry, if you like that sort of thing:
Christmas
New to Open Salon?
Where I've been, where I'm going:
Twitter from the Inside:
Posts on World War II:
Some of my work on Iran:
Some of my favorite posts:
I also write here:
Editor’s Pick
MAY 17, 2011 10:54AM

Men Behaving Badly. News at Eleven.

Rate: 29 Flag

The news that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child out-of-wedlock with a member of his household staff ten years ago comes at an interesting time, swift on the heels of the very public arrest of the head of the IMF on suspicion of sexual misconduct in an expensive suite at the NYC Sofitel.

While Schwarzenegger's timing of the release of his statement with the arrest of Dominique Strauss-Kahn might have been coincidental, inevitable comparisons will be made, from late night hoohas to plum political blogs.  And yes, even here.  

Because for as long as I can recall, and longer, men have been, to be blunt, behaving badly.

While this isn't exclusive to the political arena, or even to the world of celebrity, it certainly gets more press there.

Men have been chasing chambermaids around bedrooms for generations. It just didn't used to be the subject of a tweet.

Schwarzenegger's disclosure, the dropped shoe of the recent joint announcement with his wife, journalist Maria Shriver, that they were separating, and Strauss-Kahn's current controversial detention, are just the latest in a litany of sexual misconduct stories and lend weight to the notion that this is not a single class or party phenomenon. Schwarzenegger, while he might have married into the very Democratic  Kennedy dynasty, is a Republican, and the IMF chief is a Socialist (one who rents $3000-a-night hotel suites, but a Socialist nonetheless).  More recent discomforting disclosures have come from the once beknighted Al Gore and John Edwards, former darlings of the Democratic Party.  The champion of family values himself Ronald Reagan was not without blemish, and we'll likely never know if Jimmy Carter lusted after women anywhere other than the confines of his Georgian heart.

Bill Clinton's pecadilloes have come to define the genre, with his helpmate the current Secretary of State self-cast as the ultimate in standing-by-your-man.  We winced at Elizabeth Edwards' martyrdom and watched with discomfort as political wives from Silda Wall Spitzer to Jenny Sanford suffered from the sidelines.

Few seem to be immune.  One generally doesn't have to cast their net much further than their own close circle of family and friends to find a noteworthy but generally less public example.  Family trees rumble with ancestors whose mothers were the house servants and whose fathers remain unnamed.

For their part, both Schwarzenegger and Strauss-Kahn have participated in the public arena with personal reputations that would generally fall under the umbrella of men behaving badly, where words like "groping" like to dwell.  They descend from generations of frat boy Mile High Club jocularity, testosterone not always in check, once encouraged, now a risk, a risk to their personal lives and their professional ones.  Political careers have a way of tanking in the wake of such press and morph into careers in press, punditry or public service, if not public shame and scandal.

Few of us will ever forget the moment Bill Clinton returned the gaze of a reporter and said, with supreme conviction, "I did not have sex with that woman," a defining moment in the history of public sexual misconduct.  History will retain the photo of Gary Hart on the Monkey Business and the name Monica Lewinsky.

My husband was fond of saying that one should never do anything they didn't want to see appear as a headline in a newspaper the next morning.   I lived long enough with him to realize that even the most perfect of men is not without risk, and have observed others long enough to realize that we are still raising generations of them.

This morning, these are your headlines.  Men behaving badly.  News at eleven.

 

 dsk_reaction

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
I am honored to be the first commenter. This was an insightful and balanced interpretation of the latest spate of horny, middle aged men gone awry in the public eye. Your husband sounds as though he was one of the few who understood how to lead by example.
Arnold will now forever will be "the impreganator" to me. At least in his case it was consensual.
It's all too much. Very nicely done, Kathy.
Yes indeedy, we men can tend to color outside the lines -- often times but not exclusively with women coloring outside the lines -- Personally I really like the way Jenny Sanford handled the whole thing, she cast the schmuck upon the waters of infidelity, alone -- great perspective.
You did a great job with this, Kathy. ~r
Terrific overview. As I wrote about DSK yesterday, I was thinking that these "men behaving badly" stories are piling up lately. I know it's controversial to talk about "faulty" wiring, and perhaps faulty is the wrong word for a natural process. But I do think men have a more difficult time controling their sexual impulses than women. This by no means excuses their behavior, but I think it's important to look at the biological factors to help of fathom the latent tendency.
Perhaps it would be less shocking to us all if our social and economic system for family support wasn't based on a model that almost forces women to stay married to their husbands in order to raise children. I wish sexual fidelity was more important, considering the health risks involved to the unsuspecting wives as well as the other involved. Then again, I also realize that our population would be considerably smaller if men knew how to keep it in their pants.
It's all so depressing.
Well done overview of a sad reality. I am no longer surprised by these revelations. I'm expecting them.
I would think that DSK's "controversial detention" is largely controversial in France, not here, with French politicians and the media tut-tutting the storming the plane to take him into custody and the subsequent perp walk. The fact remains that if he was released on bail, and somehow got back to France, that would be the end of his accountability--though he most likely would have his IMF position lost. The spokesman for the IMF quickly came out and said that his trip to NYC was on his own dime and thus had no recourse to claim immunity speaks volumes as well. As does the recent revelations that this has been a pattern for him as many are now lining up to deliver their own J'accuse thinking that they will now be taken seriously.

Schwarzenegger's peccadillos are also of a pattern, he's long been known as a groper, so I'm not surprised there either. I wish Maria well.

It does seem to fill up the media, these men behaving badly. On the other hand, some men don't, just as there are plenty of women who behave badly as well.

(I'm happy to say, that as of May 23 in less than a week, that I have been faithful to my bride and partner for 30 years and have no children other than the three we've had together. I'm not saying I'm a paragon, just that I'm not all that bad, mostly.)
There was a bumper sticker that was popular a few years ago. It read:

"If it has tires or testicles, it's going to give you trouble."
@Sheepdog: "the impreganator"...ha!
Great job Kathy. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Yea for Jenny Sanford and Maria.

Keep your dignity. Leave the jerk who would risk everything with you for a roll in the hay. Don't stand there holding his hand.

Nice read. / R
Oh and congrats on the EP!

:-)
We never had that problem with George Bush or Cheney - no ma'am!
Great post! I just heard about the two of them. I often wonder if they are so far removed from reality that they think they are untouchable? No pun intended.....
R
Women behave just as badly. Make no mistake about it. A local teacher was arrested yesterday for having sex with 5 of her high school students. All at the same time. Men behaving badly isn't news. Neither is women behaving badly. Both have been doing it forever and both will continue to do it forerver.
Catherine, I'm familiar with the other version: "If it has tits or tires, it will eventually be trouble.'
Julian Assange & Dominique Strauss-Kahn are cut from the same cloth--and so is Arnold Schwarzenegger. It isn't about left or right, it's about an internalized sense of privilege that makes them think they are entitled to take what they like and that their privileges count for more than the rights and happiness of anyone they encounter. Sometimes they try to cover it with smarmy 'charm' but it isn't charming if you are the target of such desires.

That is the behavior of a psychopath. Psychopaths gain satisfaction through antisocial behavior, and do not experience shame, guilt, or any remorse for their actions. Sound like any of those guys?

Our culture has led some of those people to think that they are 'leaders' in various spheres, titans of industry, or other kinds of big fish in a small pond that doesn't call them out or punish them for the people they hurt. Some of those behaviors have become woven into the fabric of feminist criticism of patriarchy. But decent men don't think this sort of thing is okay and it isn't patriarchal, it's effing crazy and felonious.

The psychopaths simply hide their criminality behind the cover of patriarchal machismo. They are skirt chasers; great swordsmen, wolves, womanizers and they pretend to be admired by other men and to be the libertines that those men envy. It's a bullshit cover for sociopathic behavior that leads to more and more felonious behaviors & attacks.

I also like the part of DSK being described as a socialist while staying in a $3000 a night suite. Yeah, this guy is a socialist. While innocent until proven guilty, I for one don't buy the 'impulse control' argument that some make because we've often seen people who were in some position of power protected from the consequences of their acts. The French are tolerant of philandering and that tolerance can easily be manipulated to cover more heinous acts. Just ask the journalist who was mentioned. In the coming days I won't be surprised to hear that there are more women coming forward who felt powerless to complain before about Schwarzenegger and DSK. When I was a young woman working in Washington, DC I encountered the minor league of men who thought this was their right. I yelled, I went to my boss, I did what I had to do to defend myself from grabby, misogynist men who think they are entitled to take what they want and I am depressed to think that there are so many men that our culture adulates who engage this way and are given cover for it by those around them.
Alas, both sexes behave badly. It's Mother Nature's way. She asserts her precedence over all the nice rules we establish for ourselves. Best not to think too hard about it, or you might conclude that life is a joke, and that we are really here for only one overriding purpose.
My mother and her siblings, and consequently myself and my siblings are the result of the concourse between my grandfather and a woman he hired as a domestic. It beats the alternative.

Whether it was exactly consensual remains a discussion within the family, though the participants are now in nursing homes. At least we know Arnie's kid won't suffer abuse, or scarcity, and has been acknowledged. I think that took a considerable amount of courage.

Life is hard, and then we die. Maybe in my next life, I'll be so lucky. I think it's often a mistake to jump to conclusions in matters like these. Nobody knows what happens in anybody elses bed, even if we like to pretend that we do.
Very well done. And so *you* ... a damning indictment without rancor or bile. You let these jerks' actions speak loud and clear for themselves.
None of this is any surprise to me as my father is a sociopath and functions fairly well while those in his orbit live in misery, Dr. Freeborn is absolutely right. From Clinton to Arnold they're sociopaths or have narcissistic personality disorder, to normal people they're dangerous and it's hard to understand. They make no distinctions as they use and discard others and form no loyalties. It makes it easy for them to acquire power if no one stops them. It's a pity that they've made it harder for good people to rise to the top and now we have a revolving supply of these types.

What I find astonishing (and often comical) is that people re-elect or socialize with them and then act surprised when they get the shaft. After all, if a man will do this to his family, he'll do far worse to strangers. I don't compare what they do to the ordinary weakness and mistakes of normal men and women. They are simply defective, either from birth or environment. It's hard for others to grasp but they are what they are. Thank you for a well thought out post.
Apparently, Jon Harris, you are so busy jumping to conclusions that you don't wish to think first about what you are saying. Have you not heard about the charges against the Governator, made WHILE he was campaigning and long before that? I didn't call him a murdering psychopath, nor did I call him a psychopathic rapist. You made all of that up.

By the way 'psychopath' is not a clinical diagnosis. It's term used in everyday conversation. You can read about it at:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-psychopath-means
Well, there is a difference between behaving criminally and behaving immorally -- and so as you say, it is kind of unfortunate that both men hit the headlines on the same day! I don't know any accused rapists, but I do know few adulterers, and while the reasons for infidelity are complicated and while I'd never cut off a good friend for being unfaithful...I can't say I haven't lost some respect for them and for their sense of judgement (at least temporarily).

There are many men and women for whom infidelity would be unthinkable, or very quietly thinkable but not to be indulged. Unfortunately, those people don't make the headlines.
sweet jebus...I agree with Arthur Louis
I'm not sure I've ever known anyone (male or female) who hasn't cheated on at least one partner in their lives.
My marriages will always be open. I simply feel less betrayed that way. Not that I don't get jealous, I do (and act ridiculous) but better that than the quiet knowing as their eyes sort of float off and wanting to grab their nethers and squeeze their brain back into the here and now.
I love the photo at the end - and like you, I did think Arnold showed great timing to announce another aspect of his bad behavior. Thanks for covering this in such a fun, breezy way - though it's clear you think it's a very important issue - and rightly so.
I love the photo at the end - and like you, I did think Arnold showed great timing to announce another aspect of his bad behavior. Thanks for covering this in such a fun, breezy way - though it's clear you think it's a very important issue - and rightly so.
Reminds self: my motto for this year: "Don't try to win over the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."
Grabbing other people's asses, whether done while married, or with the permission of ones spouse, but without permission of the recipient of said grab is still an assault. It can rise to felony behavior under certain circumstances. Shielding those who commit such acts under the cover of how difficult monogamy is to maintain is BS.
Thirty minutes to Nancy Grace! (Jane Velez-Mitchell is on right now!)
While my heart goes out to Maria and their 4 children, I also think of the woman's husband, who is thought to have believed this to be his child? What of him? Well...this subject is becoming so commonplace both in the spotlight of actors and politicians (very little difference there), that it's becoming the new norm for high profile marriages. Even, as you said, in the lesser highlighted of marriages, we all seem to know someone, family or friends,who have experienced the ravages of broken marital trust. No matter how commonplace this is, the pain inflicted is no less piercing and long lasting. The very broken institution of marriage is no less desired now, however and the notion of wedded bliss is imbedded in our culture, pop and otherwise.
To Jon, and others who are focusing on the "private nature" of Schwarzenegger's affair, let me point out that he would not have been elected Governor of the State of California (let alone married to Maria) had his duplicity been known October 7, 2003. That was the day he waltzed into office after Darrell Issa pumped $1 million into recalling Gray Davis, who was weakened in the Enron-engineered California energy crisis. Not just Maria and the housemaid, but millions of Californians were affected by his lousy governorship.
Men? A bit of a broad brush, no?
To be clear, I'm not asserting that all men behave badly, or that only men behave badly.
Im going on the record as supporting Arnold as a polyamorous icon. people vilify him without knowing any of the details. he's probably supporting two families, and just because he has child with two women does not make him a real villain.
It's always something. At least it isn't priests behaving badly at this moment, although the Vatican seems to think that disclosure is not recommended when one is found to do so. Found that on the GLBT news.
a few of my favorite choice quotes for all the HolierThanThous to ponder

"you can be single and lonely or married and bored" --chris rock.
"men are only as faithful as their options allow" --bill mahr
"love is the delusion that one woman differs from another" --HL mencken
tsk, tsk DSK; everybody knows the socialist nightly rate is capped at a g-note. Could AS be following the example of another repub icon, ST, and just trying to make it to a 100? How could a KR post have a nice guy, JH, call the lovely DSF an idiot? We've all gone mad and you've taken us there KR. Great post, I won't read another word elsewhere.
I say, all modern societies are overly repressed leading to routine media "blowups/flareups" as humans rediscover the obvious. a colleague of freud, wilhem reich called it the "emotional plague"
I agreee with alot of what Jon Harris said. If you love and respect, you will get it back, bad behavior is a symptom of something gone wrong and needs to be fixed. If you are an insatiably sexual being,believe in going for it, if it is in front of you, dont get married.
Married is about committment and family, at least be honest with yourself.
Excellent post, a well deserved EP.
rated with love
hoohas = like tee hees or hee haws except who ha's.
example of a FEMALE behaving badly which I havent seen much comment on and no stories on the front page-- arnolds mistress was MARRIED and told her HUSBAND that it was HIS KID. ie what is known as CUCKOLDING. now, you might argue that its inconsequential, but I would disagree, because scientists who have studied this suggest maybe up to ONE-OF-TEN kids are NOT BORN to the fathers who raise them and think them their own!! now you might find this a OUTRAGE but I would just tell you that its a basic finding of EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY, a somewhat revolutionary field possibly of as great significance as the invention of evolution itself by Darwin.... of which the public is still mostly ignorant of.... oh well life goes on!!
DSM II included the term psychopath to describe a personality disorder characterized by an abnormal lack of empathy masked by an ability to appear outwardly normal. As you may notice, there is no such thing as a definition of a “normal amount of empathy,” which renders the term psychopath useless for diagnostic purposes.

The term was dropped from DSM III in 1980, but is being reinstated with the upcoming publication of DSM V…but the truth is that psychopathic behavior is closely associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. Both conditions are characterized by impulsive and irresponsible behavior indicating a lack of foresight. In other words, psychopaths are unable to “fore-think” the consequences of their behavior. Both conditions are associated with an inability to understand facial expressions of others or their vocal inflections.

Of course, these behaviors are also closely associated with narcissism, which is nothing more than extreme self-centeredness, and the inability to empathize. Empathy requires the ability to place yourself in the position of the person who might be negatively affected by your behavior, and this is impossible for deeply self-centered individuals.

What kinds of people share these characteristics?

Well, for the most part, these are people who have much higher than average incomes, and occupy positions in society in which they are must be centers of attention in order to maintain their positions: actors, musicians, moguls, media personalities, athletes, drug lords, the very rich, royalty, doctors, and, of course, politicians.

These are, of course, the very people who fuck up their personal relationships, but it’s because they are insecure and need to demonstrate their power over others. These people really are powerful and their power places them – in their own estimations – beyond the constraints of normal empathy.

Such people are simply incapable of experiencing empathy for others because, if they did, they could not do their jobs.
This being the case, they find themselves cut off from the rest of humanity….and use sex as a means of reconnecting with the human race.

The problem, however, is that it is almost always ONLY stranger sex that enables them to reconnect with humanity because they need the strangeness of the other person – the anonymous stranger – in order feel that they are genuinely connecting with that other. Without the strangeness, they cannot feel the rush of emotions that sexual conquest offers.

The narcissism of an Arnold Schwarzenegger is exemplified by the fact that, for no discernable reason, he decided to reveal the existence of his love-child.

Why would he do such a thing, unless he wanted to blow up his marriage?

The only thing I can think of is that he knew the story was about to come out. Someone might very well have been trying to blackmail him, causing Schwarzenegger to disclose the fact and eviscerate the blackmailer’s case.
It's not often that you get instant confirmation. I am watching Anderson Cooper and just heard one of their tame psychiatrists state that Schwarzenegger's disclosure marks him as a narcissist, not a psychopath. Now, i don't usually get confirmations from the talking heads, so it was gratifying to hear Dr. Drew Pinsky confirm - almost word for word - the comment I just posted. Pardon my blushes.
You make good points Kathy. I'd say it's likely that most guys will have affairs given the right circumstances. Look at guys with the greatest opportunities - professional athletes and rock stars.

I'm not sure what the marriage infidelity rate is. But if the marriage failure rate is around 50%, I reckon there was infidelity in the great majority. Plus a fair amount of infidelity in marriages that don't break up.

OTOH, of my closest four married friends, I don't think any have been unfaithful.

It's worth noting that in the case of Strauss-Kahn, although he's reputed to have had many affairs, he was arrested for sexual assault.
i blame women for this problem. what can i do, if she smiles at me, it's beyond the power of man too resist. real men, anyway.
Sage:
Maybe Arnie thought he'd be doing right by the kid, by openly acknowledging him. Pretending the kid doesn't exist is a big obstacle to responsible parenting.
I don't think the nature of men or women will ever change. We are both physical and spiritual creatures.....some being more physical than spiritual.
The Gobernator may be a man who behaved badly. And he and Strauss-Kahn apparently share a history of unwelcome groping, but lets be clear, his fathering a child with the help is still a private matter. Voters might have judged him on it as it does reflect on the character issue, but it's still private. The accusations against Strauss-Kahn are criminal. If convicted he will go to prison. There's bad behavior that may cause pain to those you love, and there's criminal behavior which may send you to prison. Big difference.
Okay, that last comment made me laugh.
Excellent post. For shame, Arnold. I used to be a big fan. -Erica
When men cheat it’s because they are selfish pleasure-seeking dogs. When women cheat it’s for love and spiritual connection.
I'm amused by the persistent reminders here that women too behave badly. Yes, in deed they do. But the difference is a philandering woman is scorned and marginalized by the members of her own sex and those of the opposite. Men however celebrate and envy the multiple "conquests" of their buddies. Despite what you may have seen on TV garbage like Sex and the City, women in my world neiter brag about their sexual exploits nor the many partners they've partnered with. Most men I know do. And that, dear readers, is the difference. Rewarding this behavior promotes it.
While the women out here are tut-tutting Arnold and Dominique, there are plenty of men cheering these guys on. Until that kind of locker room behavior ends, neither will this kind of extracurricular activity.
"He has hurt his wife and his other children by cheating on his wife and then reportedly withholding that important information from her for ten years. He was living a lie at the expense of his family. He had a double life and he was deceiving those in his family who loved, trusted and cared about him. It was a selfish, thoughtless deception and one of the worst things that a husband can do to his family. The consequences of his betrayal will have a lifelong impact on Maria and his children.
In seeking the Governorship, he asked Californians to trust him. Millions of Californians did so for many years, yet while he was seeking their trust, he was also betraying them with the lie that he was living. This lie will have a negative and long lasting impact on his legacy. I wish the best for his family, including his newly-acknowledged child and her mother, who were also victims of Arnold.
I hope that Maria makes Arnold fully accountable in their divorce if there is one and I hope that the mother of his child will make sure that Arnold guarantees that the child’s financial future is secure as well."
– Gloria Allred

In the past decade, feminist legal theory has become a formidable presence in many of America's top law schools. Feminist activism has also had a major impact on many areas of the law, including divorce, rape, self-defense, domestic violence, and such new legal categories as sexual harassment. However, the ideology of legal feminism today goes far beyond the original and widely supported goal of equal treatment for both sexes. The new agenda is to redistribute power from the "dominant class" (men) to the "subordinate class" (women), and such key concepts of Western jurisprudence as judicial neutrality and individual rights are declared to be patriarchal fictions designed to protect male privilege. Courts and legislatures, lawyers and the corrections industry, psychologists and psychotherapists, and the religious industry support efforts to limit individual rights in the guise of protecting women as a class, and deny the fundamental principle of equality regardless of gender before the law.
@noah tawls. Thanks for shedding some light on the quote from California's biggest prostitute outside of Sacramento - Gloria Allred.
@ValerieH:

Of course women get rewarded for their infidelity. It's called eighteen years of tax-free child support. Add the delightful attention of proclaiming oneself a victim and there's that added bonus, too.
pjay, you're obviously not well acquainted with the pleasures of childbirth, child rearing and putting up with the obnoxious, leach like behavior of the average man. Child support doesn't begin to cover all that fun.
The bottom line biologically is that men have their fun and leave women to clean up the mess -- and bear the children, wanted or unwanted. The ridiculous bragging and boasting by these guys about their female conquests comes at a price. They'd better be willing and able to pay it.
I don't either the explicit sense of entitlement nor the public humiliation of the families that go along with these male escapades. Good post.
I don't either the explicit sense of entitlement nor the public humiliation of the families that go along with these male escapades. Good post.
Wouldn't men find it a lot more difficult to behave badly, if there weren't women out there more than willing to enable such behavior? I know nothing of this housekeeper, but it does not appear she was raped. If she was a willing participant in this, doesn't she get 50% of the blame? She's genetically 50% responsible for the child. She certainly knew he was married. I guess the attitude is: well she's "only" a commoner, not an "important" person, ie. a celebrity. So we won't focus on any of her culpability. If marriage doesn't prevent infidelity or at least lessen the likelihood, then exactly what is the purpose of wedding yourself body and soul to another person? It's just as easy to live together these days. Everyone always says why do these habitual womanizers get married in the first place? They certainly know they aren't going to be held to any promise made in a ceremony? I guess because like everyone, they want their cake and eat it too.