This clone would just hang out in her pajamas all day, drinking coffee and writing. She probably wouldn’t brush her hair or go out much, but man, she’d bang out the freelance work, while also maintaining two or three finely-crafted blogs that have readerships into the thousands. Did I mention that she’d also be finishing up her e-book of humorous essays? In her spare time, she would be teaching the best writing workshops ever for pissed-off teenagers who have a few things to say. (Er, she’d probably have to get dressed for those, as they would require actually leaving the house.)
Mom clone would be responsible for all the nurturing, care, management and upbringing of my boys. She would have a hot, healthy dinner on the table every night and would be at the ready to patiently help a surly teenager navigate his homework. She would be on top of every permission slip that needs to be signed, every carpool that needs a chauffer, every dentist appointment that needs to be made and all the dozens of school potlucks and parent meetings that require attendance. She would spend quality time with her children and would listen with unbounded enthusiasm as they explain, in excruciating and unrelenting detail, the newest video game that they're into. While she’s doing all this, she would have a cheerful and unflappable demeanor at all times. The kids would love her. They'd clamor for her whacky presence. She would make them laugh so hard they spew milk out of their noses.
This lucky clone would manage all things musical. She’d be on top of daily practice, learning new tunes, working on trouble spots and hustling gigs. She would do a long warm-up every morning, followed by a rigorous practice routine. In addition, she would ramp up the piano lessons and put in the requisite daily hour or two of practice on the keyboard. She’d constantly listen to music, trolling for ideas and inspiration and she’d keep charts and “the book” in functional order at all times. And if she’s the dream clone I’d imagine, she’d also look drop-dead gorgeous in a strapless evening dress. I realize, however, that the latter request might really be pushing it. But this leads to……
Gym clone’s only job would be working out. She’d run 5-6 miles daily, hit the gym for strength training a few times a week, do 100 crunches every single day, practice yoga regularly and attend dance classes frequently. Since the body is her job, she’d also be in charge of making healthy eating choice with every single bite and an would have an iron strong will in the menacing face of late night ice cream. Gym Clone would keep my figure strong, lean and sexy and would like great in a swimsuit.
Teacher Clone would be in charge of keeping up with all the kids in my overcrowded, psyche ward of a classroom. She would wipe snotty noses, talk kids down from the tree or the roof, keep the ADD kids from killing each other and provide fun and educational projects that will engage any type of learner. Teacher Clone would also be the lucky so and so that gets the fun job of dealing with the handwringing, histrionic, "Klingon" parents who equate dropping their young children off at school to marching them to an execution chamber. Her daily mantra would be: "The kids are alright.....really." (Sidebar: More on this in a future blog post.)
She would work in close conjunction with Mom Clone. In fact, some of their duties may overlap. These might be the only collabrative clones of the bunch. Domestic Clone would deal with all the crap around my apartment that I don’t want to deal with but that has to get done: laundry, bi-weekly trips to Trader Joe’s, mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors, dealing with the insurance company and getting the oil changed in the car. She’d be on tap for all the unexpected things that come up like the toilet overflowing right as Mom Clone has to drive the morning carpool. Domestic Clone would also slap on her Hazmat suit and wash the young teen’s laundry and clean out the unidentified moldy things growing in the back of the fridge.
R & R Clone
I possibly need this fine clone more than the rest. She would live up to her name and would be responsible for nothing more than fun and relaxation. She’d meet my girlfriends for coffee (or green chile rellenos, whatever the case may be.), go to lots of movies and jazz shows and catch up on all those books I never seem to get around to. She’d play poker with the kids and lie around on the couch on Sundays, watching football and reading the “New Yorker.” She might do a few things that would normally be delegated to the Domestic Clone, but they would be fun jobs like making a chocolate cake in the crock pot. She’d also go out to dinner now and then and would finally hit that little Turkish restaurant in Madrona. She’d take the kids bowling and would throw a party at the apartment for all the friends she hasn't seen in eons. R & R clone would have something that most of the other clones (with the possible exception of Gym Clone) don’t have: time.
So this is my personal clone wish list. I don’t think I'm being too greedy here, am I? I’m only looking for half a dozen or so, although maybe it would be good to clone a few extras and have them on hand for other things that could come up. (Possible scenarios; Daughter/Sister Clone, who would fly to Oklahoma to help with my tiny and very challenging 84 year-old mother and relieve my sister whom mom lives with. And if I were to get super lucky, maybe I would have the need for a Girlfriend Clone, you know, just in case some wonderful and madly attractive love interest entered the picture.) Anyway, my mighty team of Katy clones and I could meet once a week or so for something akin to a staff meeting. We could go over notes, discuss concerns and enjoy a little commaraderie over shared DNA. We could all dress alike and screw with each other's brains. It would be a gas.