Note: This is a long post!

A few weeks ago I attended a Christian small group meeting held by a friend of a friend; I was well aware at the time that both women had discussed my journey on the road to becoming a Christian (as they saw it) and were concerned about my spiritual well-being. I had been attending church with one of them, more out of a desire to see her once a week than out of any strong agreement with the particular church's views. It has a large congregation comprised mainly of students in a college town.

 The youthfulness of both the congregation and their pastor set me up to be disappointed by one week's sermon on the topic of homosexuality and God's view on the matter, which as it turns out is apparently no mere "matter," but a true "sin." I was and am saddened that this church, situated on the edge of "liberal" academia as it is, has made itself a sort of haven for this specific prejudice by stamping it with God's assent. To be sure, the pastor preached forcefully for tolerance and love of those "afflicted."According to my friend, this was unusual and commendable, and she had nothing but admiration for his courage. As a sister of a gay young woman, I felt little besides nausea.

 But I decided to go ahead and attend the small group meeting after the fact. Both my friend and her friend are wonderful people, and at the time I couldn't find the words to express my apprehension. It came more easily when the email invite for another meeting arrived in my inbox a week later. Here's my response, with names omitted, of course.

 __________________

Hi ____ -

I wanted to thank you for inviting me last week; it was wonderful to meet such a truly nice bunch of people.

And thanks for including me again in this week's invite. I don't think I'll be able to come on Wednesday, though, and in the interest of being completely open, it's because I don't think I could engage with the group without being a bit dishonest with myself. I've reevaluated what I mean by being "on a journey" in my investigations of Christianity, and the truth of the matter is that I've figured out quite a few things about my own beliefs, enough to know whether I feel totally at home within a group and can participate with my full self. As [our mutual friend]  may have told you, I believe certain things about the Bible texts that are quite at odds with her own beliefs and what I gather are those of [the church’s]  congregants in general.

For one thing, I am convinced that God does not view homosexuality as a sin. My youngest sister's homosexuality has influenced my take on the matter, to be sure, but I wouldn't be able to consider it a sin even if she weren't gay; [The church’s] (via Pastor _____’s) view does not make sense to me in light of Jesus's message of compassion. Imposing guilt on gay Christians for completely loving their soul mate (sex is no bigger a component of committed gay relationships than of straight) is not compassionate. It comes, I feel, of human and not Godly motives.

To be honest, I think it would have been better if I hadn't heard Pastor ______'s sermon about homosexuality. His bravery in addressing an issue most mainstream churches avoid doesn't augment what I feel is a failure to challenge an ancient text that also calls for women's silence in church and condemns interracial marriage. How does one decide which things God "really" meant in the Bible? How does one separate the human-writer element from God's word? Does one do so only when it supports a given argument? Does one avoid doing so when it doesn't? I feel this last is the most apt explanation for his homosexuality sermon.

I don't feel animosity towards Rev _____ personally; I think he is only human, and he just doesn't have the requisite empathy to fully and credibly address the issue, having never been close to a homosexual who wasn't struggling with his or her identity (according to the anecdote he used in his sermon). It's different when your gay neighbor is perfectly happy and at peace, and sex is just one aspect of their lives, like it is with any straight person. I don't think my sister, for example -- someone who is very comfortable and happy--, would be anything other than amused by Rev _____’s message, and perhaps less inclined to take Christians seriously. My heart goes out to any gay Christians in the congregation that day who were made to feel ashamed during the sermon (and statistically speaking, there had to have been at least a few gay people present), especially if up until that day they hadn't felt anything but welcome at [the church]. How devastating to discover that their special "sin" is one they have no control over, and that the committed love they might feel for a partner in the future must come with shame in the eyes of God, according to Rev _____.

It may seem like a fairly minor disagreement in light of all the other points with which I *could* (and in some cases do) disagree with my impression of [the church’s] views, but it is actually quite major. For me a congregation's stance on the issue of homosexuality has broader implications for their interpretation of what it means to be a Christian.

I would be happy to talk with you more about this and my other views, but again, I don't think the covenant group is quite the best fit for me. I get the impression that [our mutual friend] thinks I am still figuring things out, but I wonder if she doesn't think this because I don't and can't believe precisely what she believes. To date, the author who has come closest to articulating my own perspective on Christianity is Marcus Borg; it's like he read my mind and broke down all the major obstacles between myself and Jesus. Jesus isn't and wasn't who I thought he was. And for me this has been a good thing. But I think my image of Jesus is very different from the covenant group's image of him. At the same time the idea I now have of him has drawn me closer to him than the one I had growing up in the church. I'm past the point of "crisis of faith"; I just need to find a church where I feel at home.

In any case, thanks very much again for making me feel so welcome last week.

Take care.