A late-night mind dump because I am all of the above and this is the best place to put it.
MAD - as in angry (I usually use the accurate term, angry, but it didn't ryhme). Mad because OS sucks lately. The ugliness and whininess pisses me off (this goes back a couple of weeks and they know who they are). Even where I have not commented on the personal-crap posts, I have read them and you all suck. (NOT the ad-bitchers so much, mostly the personal-crap posters).
MAD because once again, the good feminist women of OS have informed me that I am not a good one. This despite the fact that I actually live the life and walk the talk on a daily basis and have for 30 years now.
REALLY MAD because in RL I am dealing with a few very bad men treating very vulnerable women in the workplace in ways I fought against 25 years ago. I cannot believe I am still fighting this today.
SAD because CCC and Caruso Wedgie have apparently silently left OS (well before ads) and I miss them both very much.
SAD because MJ died at 50 years old. Yeah, that's right. I don't have to explain it - it just is. Sad because the world lost a genuis and I lost a person a grew up with and I don't give a flying fuck what you believe about him. It's sad.
SAD because Farrah died such an arduous death. She was more than what you might think she was. She was also a distant relative on the in-law side.
SAD because 50 yr old Billy Mays died of a heart attack in bed.
Last year, during August, three of my old classmates died - 2 at age 49 and and 1 at 50. I was 49 then, and 50 now. These deaths now remind me of last year. Sad.
REALLY MAD and SAD because last August, my best friend died alone in jail as a drug addict. I hadn't seen her in years - her family was ashamed and would not pass on information. After she died, I got a letter from her mother (I sent a flower arrangement) telling me that she'd asked for me that last month (and who knows how many times before). I had been home in Mass not an hour away for the entire month of July before she died but nobody found me! Any one of at least five people they could have called could have contacted me in one second. I am still so fucking pissed off about that one. These recent deaths have brought that back full force.
BAD because I have allowed my anger to come through in some comments here. In some cases it may have been justified, but it's not something I like to do and I did it anyway.
GLAD because my life is good, and OS is here, and this is the most personal thing I have ever written here and I can do that. For free. Whenever I want to.
It's been a shitty few weeks but my life is still good. So I apologize to those I may have offended. 9 out of the 10 of you who might read this will not even notice but still, it was good to get this out.
Thanks for listening, and for forgiving my bad mood if it hit you - IF you didn't deserve it :-)
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Comments
i'm so sorry about that loss and people not tracking you down. i'm estranged from my extended family and i will never know if there were people like you who wanted to find me. i really get how painful that is and how infuriating. i'm being really boring . sorry. the title resonated with me because im' feeling all of those things too. birthday week, running constant fevers and a lot of other bullshit but fabulous little dogs. love love love and gratitude and i so hope this was a catharsis for you.
I think it is sad, also, the dynamism of OS and how this happy place we've found and made is so fragile and, possibly, temporary. I'm still going to hang out here, and I hope you do the same.
Most of all, I can relate to taking time out for a good rant! I shake my fist at all of this with you.
And you have my deep sympathy over the very sad circumstances of the death of your friend. Perhaps it doesn't matter, though. Perhaps he or she can see into your heart now and knows how you feel.
Here's hoping you got a good sleep and woke up feeling better this morning!
This week even younger people were reminded that fragile, beautiful things die, sometime too soon, like your friend.
Your excellent, honest rant speaks to all those things.
Benjamin, so many have true "hard" in their life that I feel bad for whining but thanks for understanding.
Theo, thanks for the love love love and yes, it was cathartic! I hope you feel better too. I read and rate most of your posts but never quite know what to say to you. I don't have any real problems and I'd never be as strong as you are facing all that you do! Love love love back to you.
Rich, thanks for the empathy on the rant. I'm sorry about how you lost your friend. It hurts so much doesn't it? And yes, I will still hang out here, but I need to get my MAD under control first!
Pilgrim, I have it on good authority that it IS all your fault (hehehe thanks for the laugh). I do feel better this morning because I woke to find all of your kind words here.
Lea, "OS is fragile and beautiful " sums it up perfectly. Even though I seldom post, I'd be bereft if OS died. Hanging out with you and the other ladies of the the DC quartet have been two of the high points of this year. You are so much fun and full of warmth and sweetness. Thanks for looking in and taking time to comment, it truly helps.
O'Really, you're a very funny poster. I have been lurkingly reading your posts but feeling too pissy to comment :-)
Don't read the crap on here. You know who they are, just never read them again. It works, I promise. Just avoid them, do a search for poetry tags (says the poet discreetly) and avoid all the madhatters.
I say you're a feminist and I should know because I have the t-shirt!
xo
Mary, I'm glad you didn't witness my recent bad behaviour. My boyfriend sometimes gets exasperated with me for "beating myself up" over my perceived faults, so you may be on to something.
Deborah, thanks for stopping by to commiserate.
Dragonfly, finding out she'd been asking for me was devastating. Realizing her family chose not to pass on the request infuriated me. I hadn't seen her in quite a while but our other girlfriend (the 3rd muskateer as it were) and I were always waiting for her to come back to us. We believed she would someday. And she'd tried and I am crying now again thinking about her dying alone possibly thinking I didn't care.