As I told you before, I was shocked to realize recently that I have developed a habit of analyzing some events from my past. If I detect something that is a major failing there, I kind of freeze up, and feel deep, deep shame -- so much that it hurts physically. I worry that I am a fatally flawed human being. I worry that other people will not like me because of this mistake.
Don't get me wrong. I am a very happy person, life is great lately! But I have struggled with negative thinking for a long time, mostly in the past. I have got the thing down about controlling self-talk. ( For people who have never heard about self-talk, I have learned to monitor my internal dialogue. Like if I slip, and I tell myself, "That was a stupid thing to do," I correct myself, and tell myself something like, "You did your best, it wasn't that bad.") So I have corrected a lot of my past negative thinking habits.
But in trying to explain this new self-condemnation thing to you guys it has become clear to me that this new thing is just a negative FEELING. It is subconscious -- there is no self-talk; it is just an automatic feeling, it is spontaneous.
As I have further analyzed it, I have gotten the mental monster cornered in the light of day:
Why do I sometimes fear that I am so defective?
In my life I have failed no more than the average person. So the fear is not accurate.
Why am I sometimes so afraid that people will not like me? In my life I have been no more disliked than the average person. So the fear is not realistic.
I have had my knocks and my rejections, my betrayals, as we all have. I have also had my triumphs and received a lot of praise and friendship. So why am I sometimes so afraid that people won't like me?
THE ANSWER IS THAT, IN SOME CASES, APPARENTLY, I VALUE OTHER PEOPLES' OPINION OF ME MORE THAN I VALUE MY OWN OPINION OF ME.
WELL, WHY SHOULD I?
IT'S LIKE I SOMETIMES FEAR ANY DISAPPROVAL FROM PEOPLE AT ALL.
I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT OTHER PEOPLES' OPINION OF ME MUST NOT BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY OWN OPINON OF ME. I SHOULD CONSIDER THEIR OPINION. BUT I CAN NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE.
AND I AM HARD ENOUGH ON MYSELF. I HAVE HIGH ENOUGH STANDARDS. I DON'T HAVE TO ALWAYS WORRY ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW TOO.
Als0, as I have explained before, these problems result from my perfectionism.
PERFECTIONISM IS A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD:
It is good to want to excel/But in these cases, I am demoralizing myself with such impossibly high standards, that my perfectionism is a negative.
This has been a big breakthrough for me. I realize that I don't have to feel bad about making these kind of mistakes anymore. Just admit them, learn from them. And If they are really big errors, try to correct the situation, and never repeat the mistakes.
But beyond that, forget the errors. Don't agonize over past mistakes, it's counterproductive.
I feel FREE. I have been thinking, well, I can let go of that now! I can let go of that!
It feels wonderful.
This is huge; it will help me a lot. I think that you have had a lot to do with it. By trying to explain it to you, I explained it to myself, for the first time in my life. Thanks for being one of the best sounding boards that I have ever had in my life.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Oahusurfer
stlfilmaker
Sara McGrath
Kerry Lauerman
sueinaz
rainee174
Salon.com
Comments
Rated
WE ARE ALL FLAWED...just few of us are fatally flawed. I use to have the same problem. Not only did I think I was unworthy of anything, but I was convinced I had good reason to feel that way. I was wrong. I was also overly conserned as to what others thought of me until one day my brother asked me: "Do you know you as well as other people know you?"
"Well I should hope so," I told him.
"Then stop worrying about what those other people think cause they don't know the subject nearly as well as you do."
he was right. Love yourself and keep writing and sharing your life....you are worthy.
Rated!
The Buddha, and the person who mops the bathroom at the Bee Pee gasoline fuel pump
says:`Whatever one says about Ys consider. Anything a person says that's constructive?
You/me do consider?
If the critic project crap?
Then Ya place it right backs?
Anything post 60- may be true?
Socrates said : `Mu daemon is a beast.
The dark beast-side must be befriended.
Thee yin/yang, sun/moon, and sage/idiot.
Thee diabolical foes teach the best lessons.
This was fresh with honest self-examination.
If one can Not rectify Self? You can't fix others.
Sure, some nasty so-called MD guru etcetera hurt.
Beware.
There are myriads of fake quacks, false teacher too.
So called know-it-all's create societal downfalls? Yes.
They harm other, set back, and are the Lost and astray.
Sheep?
Dressed.
Ugh beast.
Beautiful post.
In my opinion.
Meditate. Speak.
Write from a heart.
The heart can be cold.
Nature heals wounds.
Stay away from quack!
Ya stay? Keep a heart.
Warm hearth is heart.
I agree ref:`feedback.
The Best Sound board.
Ya sure do learn @ O.S.
Discern the chaos times.
Listen to a calm person.
No inflict MD ilk Hubris.
If Ya can't discern Ya cry?
No. pathetic & dangerous!
No You. Thanks Kathy K.!
R
Take a trip to Berlin and find the place that Alan Nothnagle blogs about. This will help get your mind off the past because there will so many thing to see, do and eat.
The past is dead. Let sleeping dog and bad dreams die. But if you can't, get revenge on the past by writing a comic novel about the dumb events.
We are definitely works in progress...
Chuck you are elegant
Boanerges1 I am flattered
Torman, very helpful
At home, good to see ya in my home
Scanner my dear man
thanks for stopping by Mary
Unbreakable: we will not be broken
Suzie, I'm glad I'm not the only one
Pat, good to see you
Why is it SO MANY of us are afflicted with such self-doubt, especially, as you say, when there can be such wonderful evidence to the contrary. I think it's just the human condition and a HUGE mitigating factor against the plight of aging.
Just remember: perfectionism is the enemy of good enough.
I always keep in mind that we're all too caught up with our own lives to really give any thought at all to the mistakes or failures of others. We're too busy beating ourself up for our own! :)
Great stuff. Rated.