Why Ban Gay Marriage?
Recently in court, Charles Cooper, attorney for the Proposition 8 campaign committee Protect Marriage told Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker why same-sex marriage could and should be barred.
According to a San Francisco Chronicle report, Cooper said that “extending marriage to same-sex couples would undermine its status as a ‘pro-child institution’ and redefine it as a private relationship between two adults who love each other.”
An Idea Is Born
At first I thought, “What's wrong with that?” But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, “You know, he's right! That would be just really awful. Children, kids, the lifeblood of our society might become a thing of the past, a mere memory, something that old people talked about. And all that love—what on earth would we do with that?”
It was so clear and simple now that I marveled that I had ever missed seeing it. It had been such a Communist idea, I saw now, that marriage was about Love.
The world view I had come to know and believe was suddenly crumbling around me like a chrysalis that had served its purpose and was peeling back to reveal the beautiful pro-Marriage butterfly I had been destined to become. I flapped my small yet powerful Right wing in disbelief at the simplicity of it all.
Armed with this new insight—thanks very much, Mr. Cooper!—I could finally see clearly what we needed to do next.
Let's void the marriages of anyone married two years with no baby to show for it.
Let's track down the infertile among us and void their marriages now.
Let's find our veterans who have been maimed in ways that don't allow them to have kids and void their marriages.
Let's tell women who have miscarriages to hurry up and have a kid or else expect their marriage to be voided.
Let's audit the credit card records of married people to see if they're buying birth control and void their marriages if they are.
Let's remind the pretenders who have only adopted children instead of having them “for real” that such cheap stunts don't count as reproduction and that their marriages are null and void.
I realize now, thanks to this trial, that gays are just a distraction to the real need to fix marriage. If it's all about kids, we've been letting all kinds of people marry we really shouldn't have even before we got to worrying about gays.
To really fix marriage, we must first clean our own house, leaving gays strictly out of it—they're just going to complicate matters. I call on Congress to immediately pass legislation that just leaves the whole matter of gay marriage unmentioned and merely asserts the part we can all agree on—that if you're not a breeder, you have no business getting or staying married. I urge the Democratic majority to pass this common sense law immediately. I'm sure the Republicans will have no choice but to join. This is what they want, right? Let's call it the Defense of Procreation Act.
Okay, I admit, it will likely be challenged. But I'm sure the Supreme Court would like nothing more than to establish a clear ruling that all of these people I've named must not marry. In fact, I'm sure the Supreme Court will uphold my Defense of Procreation Act even if that elite group includes some whose marriages would be casualties of the law they upheld. Justice simply demands that marriage's true purpose be upheld! They wouldn't wimp out on us now—would they?
I ask because if they didn't, if they instead overturned the Defense of Procreation Act that I worked so hard to craft, they would have established a precedent that said for all time, “No, in point of fact, marriage really is not just about procreation.” And if they did that, well, then we wouldn't have to give the time of day to arguments like Mr. Cooper is raising right now.
It would be weird and ironic, wouldn't it, if the quickest path to acceptance of gay marriage wasn't to raise consciousness in people who don't care to have their consciousness raised, but was instead to merely take seriously the outlandish claims they are making about what marriage really is?
Well, it was just a thought.