So, therapy marches on. I don't feel like I'm making much progress at all but my therapist said it didn't happen overnight and won't fix itself overnight. I am seriously into instant gratification and am having a very hard time dealing with this. Last Sunday my husband's sister called and invited him to a movie. This sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. So, of course, a slight argument ensued. I felt so bad because it's my weaknesses that cause the majority of our marital troubles. I didn't say much about it and on Wednesday, on our way to the mall, I just totally broke down. I couldn't apologize enough to him. I have been kicking around the idea of taking meds for this but I'm really afraid to try. I said to him "I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of the meds or of you eventually hating me." He just said "I couldn't ever hate you. I love you and we'll just take care of one another, ok?" I said how sorry I was he couldn't go to the movie on Sunday and he said "I didn't want to go anyway, don't worry about it. And don't try meds yet." He's a really great guy most of the time. Sure, we have our arguments, most marriages do.  Not only do we live together, we work together. We are together 24/7/365 and one extra on Leap Year. The longest we've been separated in 11 years is 1 week. That was last May when he had his heart attack. The therapist said this is what triggered my full blown anxiety that I can't shake.

I used to be normal. Or, at least my own definition of normal. I miss that person and want her back. Quickly. But, I think this is going to be an on-going project. I am my own worst enemy. I cause my own anxiety attacks which makes me feel like a bigger ass than I should. They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem and need help. I've done that part. I admit it. I throw myself upon God's mercy and am begging for help. Oh, and my therapist, too..lol. I put my life in their hands. I suppose a better step would be to put it in my OWN hands. What a novel idea.

The only thing that keeps me going some days is my kids. They're 6 and 7 and the funniest children I've ever known. They get their humor from me..lol. I will leave you with this funny story from yesterday. The kids kept after me all day "Mommy I need this" "Mommy I need that" "Mommy mommy mommy." So, finally I had a conversation with my 6 year old daughter, Gabrielle. It went like this:"

Me: Gabrielle, I told you to get your homework.

Gabby: I don't want to.

Me: Gabrielle, stop being a pain in the ass.

Gabby: Mommy, your ass is just fine. It doesn't look like you're in pain.

Me: Uh, good point. And we don't use bad words. Bad Mommy.

See you soon!