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MARCH 9, 2010 5:00AM

Top Ten Stupid Things Posted on Facebook Walls

Rate: 51 Flag
Here's my list of 10 Things I'd like to never see on a Facebook wall again:

1) The Boyfriend Report

John Smith is--thinking about his boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <3>

Do you realize every time you put something like this on your wall, you make it that much harder for anyone to feel bad for you when the relationship ends two days later?

2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression

John Smith is--Some people are really making other people really angry by doing certain things that they shouldn't...

Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got into a fight with two hours earlier? Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these are even better--

John Doe: OMG! You're not mad at me, are you?
John Smith: Noooo, OMG, I love you!!! It's just someone doing something that they shouldn't. They're just a someone.
Jane Doe: Is it ME??? LOL No, but is it?
John Smith: LOL Nooooo! Someone else.

Pretty soon it just becomes process of elimination.

3) The Inside Joke

John Smith is--koala bears in the what what? Hahaha

You know, they have this new thing where you can edit statuses so that only certain people can see them. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two people who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is?

4) The Ode to Life

John Smith is--Crazy pancakes after an amazing party at Sal's! Love my Life!

I don't care.

5) The Cursed Life

John Smith is--I just found out that I'm adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!

I don't care--and I now know wayyy too much about you.

6) The Declaration of Love to a Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're the Only Idiot That Likes It

John Smith is--AVATAR IS AMAZING!!! Everybody should see it!

I'm sorry, I'm confused. Are you talking to the four people who haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?

7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated to Whomever You Just Had Sex With

John Smith is--"And your body is/My ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top" :)

Just so we're clear, posting song lyrics afterwards doesn't make the hook-up any less trashy.

8) The Compliment Fisher

John Smith is--I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me.

Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with--"Yeah, you really are. You should just find a bottle of something and take the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of us having to tell you. What a load off that is!"

9) The Bar Tab

John Smith--Still sooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha Who wants to go out tonight?

If I want to find out how your alcoholism is going, I'll tune into Intervention when your episode is on.

10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On

John Smith is--Watching a sunset on a tropical island in the Pacific. Spent all day relaxing and now I'm going to drink wine and dance the night away with as many beautiful strangers as I can. God, life is glorious, isn't it?

F**k you.

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I completely agree with #10. My ex-sister-in-law lives in Florida, and she's always posting about how wonderful the weekend will be/is/was, complete with pictures of beach parties and sunsets on the ocean. She also had to post about her cruise ship vacation and her stay in Cancun. I'd put her on Ignore, but then I'd never find out how my little nieces are doing.
Agree. But it IS okay to post about how your cat's therapy/hot rock massage/colonoscopy/accupuncture appointment went...right?

Thank you for the laugh, much needed!

Kevin: You got something against the name "John"?
Good piece. R
LMFAO! I confess I am guilty of some of this and some of the things listed are what get on my nerves as well. I am trying to change my FB ways and offer tolerence to those who commit the same status sins I have in my past. Except during NaNoMo. I put my word count about a million times a day then. Love the confusion it creates in a otherwise normal day Hee-Hee-Hee.
Thanks for the comments everyone!
BA-ha-ha-ha!!! This is hilarious. I've had these exact feelings about my sister's statuses! She is so guilty of 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 8.

And I personally think people that commit number 4 are just trying to (as an extension of number 2) say to "someone" that their life is fine without you, thank you very much.
Somehow or other, when I first got into facebook, I got connected into a group of people who were using facebook to sell a dietary supplement called Isagenix. I think it is distributed via a pyramid marketing scheme and my Isagenix facebook "friends" appeared to be trying to use facebook to recruit more deaers/distributors into their pyramid.

At any rate, their posts were comical in a disgusting sort of way. They were constantly posting stories of how delightful their Isagenix colon cleanse experience had been. Who doesn't wait with bated breath waiting for stories like that? I really wanted to comment to them that I was waiting for the video of their most recent colonoscopy. I decided not to do it because I didn't want my real friends to think I was a curmudgeon. Instead, I went through my friends list and unfriended all the Isagenix people. Turns out, there were more thand 50 of them, but I managed to get rid of them. Good riddance!, laughing her ass off at Captain Cruciferous's fist-shaky Facebook smackdown.
My least favorite is the person who only gets on asking for something to do with Farmville or whatever the game of the week is. Or is it the friend that only posts that she's heading off to bed. One presumes that she does that every night, but she confirms it just so that I am sure. But I don't object to some of it, but then again, my friends don't post about their drunken adventures or the post drunken whatevers. I do have people I have blocked due to their unrelenting sending of easter eggs, hugs, bears, flair, flings, buttons, hearts, etc. Thirty or so of those notices on a weekday morning and I am completely annoyed.
My all-time favorite was the kid who posted his sister's hookup list of guys on his Facebook wall and tagged every guy on it, apparently as revenge for her ratting him out to their folks about a 12-pack of beer.

Screenshots are here:

The back and forth between brother and sister in the comments is absolutely classic.
I don't care what people are eating for dinner. I'm more curious who they're shagging and if they are stupid enough to post it publicly. Funny piece.
Daniel just rated Kevin Broccoli's post on Open Salon.
Guess I'm fortunate that most of my "Friends" only fall into the #9 and #10 categories - bar tab and posting from exotic location to make everyone feel bad.
I do have a family member who also posts about her Oxycontin addiction, and I vote that be the #1 stupidest thing you can post on facebook. (Her posts alternate between drinking, celebrity gossip, and oxy addiction. Celebrity gossip should also be included. Did you hear about Brangelina? No and I'd like to keep it that way)
Daniel is - posting Kevin Broccoli's post on Open Salon on his Facebook.

"I just found out that I'm adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!"

I just posted that as my facebook status.
Well facebook works for me because I am a complete egomaniac so I can relate to all these things. I cannot believe that you don't care about my lover John Smith and all the AMAZING things about him.

Very very funny. Keep on writing.

Dude, I write silly facebook status updates specifically to incite these kinds posts!
kinds of posts....
Dude! I am so posting this on my Facebook page! (Unfortunately, the guilty probably won't recognize themselves.) Rated!
Seriously yes but you have no soul if you think it's not important my real parents are Bavarian gypsies!
we may be related because i just found out that i'm adopted and my real parents are bavarian gypsies also!!

of course, the are busy posting about their trip to cancun...while i freeze in the finger lakes. the twonks!
Oh my, #8! We must have a mutual Facebook friend. This was a very cathartic read. Thanks!
Number 4 strikes me the same way -- and I'm not cynical about the love of life. I love my life too. But those get under my skin. I've noticed the people post these updates also say things like "God, I've got great friends," and "What a horrible day," or even "What a year! Can't wait 'til it's over." Also falls into the "What a beautiful day" category. Usually, we live in the same town and have the same weather.
I think positive affirmations deserve their own category.
I gave up Facebook for Lent (I already gave up drinking three years ago), and I do not miss it. I started feeling really petty and wishing there was a "Don't Like" button next to the "Like" button. I also do not like knowing that people are waiting for their kids to wake up from taking naps. I almost feel like I'm on FB now. Yikes.
This list is completely on the money.
Good one Kevin! I think I'll post it to Facebook. Then everyone will hate me.
I'm with Kim - exactly. ("I just had a cup of coffee", "I just threw a ladybug pillow at you", "I'm inviting you to join the group, Fans of Ladybug Pillows (or whatever".)

I'm on there because a good friend suddenly got active and he's fun. Also, I hear more about/from my absent daughter this way than thru traditional means. (My other daughter has quit in disgust due to being hacked...)
Interesting Deletion - yeah, the "like" button. "John Smith - is mourning his mother who just died." Then 20 people "like" this post.
I am sure I have done a couple of these...
The stupid exchanges is precisely why I finally bagged it with Facebook. I could no longer stand the incessant whiny BS that seems to make up most of Facebook. Facebook seems to be mainly for people who need to get a life.
I agree with #2 wholeheartedly, and a few others too. But really, what do you want people to post? Facebook is apps, pics and status updates. Not much else to do. I play the apps, talk to my kids and a few friends and I am done. Not sure what you are looking for on Facebook, but if it is something more than those three things, I think you are at the wrong place. I come here-OS- for more intelligent interaction.
This is hilarious ... and I do know of more than one friend who does #10 ... nauseating.

Thanks to beyondthepale for that link to the FB fight between Chris and Katie, OMG that was beyond funny! Especially reading the comments that followed the posting, and the horrified reactions of the guys that were on her "hit" list.

I still can't believe this Katie chick was so explicit in detailing exactly what she would do to these guys on her "To-Do" list (or have done to her). And here To Do can be taken quite literally ;oP Wow ... to be 16 and so stupid.
This is why i call it: Assbook (Don't bother trying to start Assbook: I thought of that: It already exists.) I personally love the food updates: "I just ate..." Who the FUCK cares??? This is worse than Andy Warhol predicted: people don't want their 15 minutes of fame; they want their every millisecond of fame. (by the way: I just ate yogurt with apples)
Man oh man this is spot on. Rated! xx a
Facebook's got a lot to answer for!
I'm off to create a networking website that automatically blocks all ten items!
@mimitwo your yogurt and apples wasted 2 1/2 seconds of my life, just like all my other dopey friends on FB. ----
I just ate a half a box of cheez-its. Payback is a bitch.
I get so enraged by 'vague-booking' that I hadn't considered the full gamut of horror offered by my crackBook friends...

Although I get a bit twitchy not so much with the 'perfect life' person offering there views as to why their existance is just so dreamy, it's the sycophants that answer with - 'Oh yes Jane Doe, I am sooo with you, you are so awesome' that drives me to wonder about remote state forests, and shovels.

Excellent post....
But then Facebook would be empty, as that is almost every comment that there is. Which ... would probably be a good thing.
Facebook is a year-round daily Christmas letter opportunity, and you know most of those fall in the same category with hard, dry fruitcake.
ROFL!!! Thanks for the laugh! This is so good I'm going to post it on my Facebook page:)
This is a genuine questi0n, not meant to be snarky at all, but if you can't post those things on Facebook, what DO you post? I am not a member and avoid it because from what I have seen, it resembles all those conversations I force myself to have out of politeness. Can someone please enlighten me?
There are also those who ask for money please help such and such and if you send it to me I will make sure they get it...wait...nevermind that is just my husband's side of the family!
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This is pretty good for Open Salon. You're new here, right?

For non-Facebook users asking what the attraction is, to me FB can fun or useful in the same way that Show and Tell was fun in grade school --- here's something you might not have seen or heard before, here's an interesting place or activity, here's a laugh. But Kevin's post makes an excellent point on all the ways ppl overdo it.