Here's my list of 10 Things I'd like to never see on a Facebook wall again:
1) The Boyfriend Report
John Smith is--thinking about his boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <3>
Do you realize every time you put something like this on your wall, you make it that much harder for anyone to feel bad for you when the relationship ends two days later?
2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression
John Smith is--Some people are really making other people really angry by doing certain things that they shouldn't...
Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got into a fight with two hours earlier? Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these are even better--
John Doe: OMG! You're not mad at me, are you?
John Smith: Noooo, OMG, I love you!!! It's just someone doing something that they shouldn't. They're just a someone.
Jane Doe: Is it ME??? LOL No, but is it?
John Smith: LOL Nooooo! Someone else.
Pretty soon it just becomes process of elimination.
3) The Inside Joke
John Smith is--koala bears in the what what? Hahaha
You know, they have this new thing where you can edit statuses so that only certain people can see them. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two people who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is?
4) The Ode to Life
John Smith is--Crazy pancakes after an amazing party at Sal's! Love my Life!
I don't care.
5) The Cursed Life
John Smith is--I just found out that I'm adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!
I don't care--and I now know wayyy too much about you.
6) The Declaration of Love to a Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're the Only Idiot That Likes It
John Smith is--AVATAR IS AMAZING!!! Everybody should see it!
I'm sorry, I'm confused. Are you talking to the four people who haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?
7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated to Whomever You Just Had Sex With
John Smith is--"And your body is/My ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top" :)
Just so we're clear, posting song lyrics afterwards doesn't make the hook-up any less trashy.
8) The Compliment Fisher
John Smith is--I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me.
Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with--"Yeah, you really are. You should just find a bottle of something and take the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of us having to tell you. What a load off that is!"
9) The Bar Tab
John Smith--Still sooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha Who wants to go out tonight?
If I want to find out how your alcoholism is going, I'll tune into Intervention when your episode is on.
10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On
John Smith is--Watching a sunset on a tropical island in the Pacific. Spent all day relaxing and now I'm going to drink wine and dance the night away with as many beautiful strangers as I can. God, life is glorious, isn't it?
F**k you.
1) The Boyfriend Report
John Smith is--thinking about his boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <3>
Do you realize every time you put something like this on your wall, you make it that much harder for anyone to feel bad for you when the relationship ends two days later?
2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression
John Smith is--Some people are really making other people really angry by doing certain things that they shouldn't...
Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got into a fight with two hours earlier? Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these are even better--
John Doe: OMG! You're not mad at me, are you?
John Smith: Noooo, OMG, I love you!!! It's just someone doing something that they shouldn't. They're just a someone.
Jane Doe: Is it ME??? LOL No, but is it?
John Smith: LOL Nooooo! Someone else.
Pretty soon it just becomes process of elimination.
3) The Inside Joke
John Smith is--koala bears in the what what? Hahaha
You know, they have this new thing where you can edit statuses so that only certain people can see them. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two people who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is?
4) The Ode to Life
John Smith is--Crazy pancakes after an amazing party at Sal's! Love my Life!
I don't care.
5) The Cursed Life
John Smith is--I just found out that I'm adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!
I don't care--and I now know wayyy too much about you.
6) The Declaration of Love to a Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're the Only Idiot That Likes It
John Smith is--AVATAR IS AMAZING!!! Everybody should see it!
I'm sorry, I'm confused. Are you talking to the four people who haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?
7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated to Whomever You Just Had Sex With
John Smith is--"And your body is/My ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top" :)
Just so we're clear, posting song lyrics afterwards doesn't make the hook-up any less trashy.
8) The Compliment Fisher
John Smith is--I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me.
Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with--"Yeah, you really are. You should just find a bottle of something and take the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of us having to tell you. What a load off that is!"
9) The Bar Tab
John Smith--Still sooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha Who wants to go out tonight?
If I want to find out how your alcoholism is going, I'll tune into Intervention when your episode is on.
10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On
John Smith is--Watching a sunset on a tropical island in the Pacific. Spent all day relaxing and now I'm going to drink wine and dance the night away with as many beautiful strangers as I can. God, life is glorious, isn't it?
F**k you.
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Comments
Thank you for the laugh, much needed!
Stephanie
Good piece. R
And I personally think people that commit number 4 are just trying to (as an extension of number 2) say to "someone" that their life is fine without you, thank you very much.
At any rate, their posts were comical in a disgusting sort of way. They were constantly posting stories of how delightful their Isagenix colon cleanse experience had been. Who doesn't wait with bated breath waiting for stories like that? I really wanted to comment to them that I was waiting for the video of their most recent colonoscopy. I decided not to do it because I didn't want my real friends to think I was a curmudgeon. Instead, I went through my friends list and unfriended all the Isagenix people. Turns out, there were more thand 50 of them, but I managed to get rid of them. Good riddance!
Screenshots are here:
http://hothottie.com/109/facebook-revenge-is-a-bitch/
The back and forth between brother and sister in the comments is absolutely classic.
I do have a family member who also posts about her Oxycontin addiction, and I vote that be the #1 stupidest thing you can post on facebook. (Her posts alternate between drinking, celebrity gossip, and oxy addiction. Celebrity gossip should also be included. Did you hear about Brangelina? No and I'd like to keep it that way)
"I just found out that I'm adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!"
I just posted that as my facebook status.
Very very funny. Keep on writing.
R
of course, the are busy posting about their trip to cancun...while i freeze in the finger lakes. the twonks!
I'm on there because a good friend suddenly got active and he's fun. Also, I hear more about/from my absent daughter this way than thru traditional means. (My other daughter has quit in disgust due to being hacked...)
Thanks to beyondthepale for that link to the FB fight between Chris and Katie, OMG that was beyond funny! Especially reading the comments that followed the posting, and the horrified reactions of the guys that were on her "hit" list.
I still can't believe this Katie chick was so explicit in detailing exactly what she would do to these guys on her "To-Do" list (or have done to her). And here To Do can be taken quite literally ;oP Wow ... to be 16 and so stupid.
@mimitwo your yogurt and apples wasted 2 1/2 seconds of my life, just like all my other dopey friends on FB. ----
I just ate a half a box of cheez-its. Payback is a bitch.
Although I get a bit twitchy not so much with the 'perfect life' person offering there views as to why their existance is just so dreamy, it's the sycophants that answer with - 'Oh yes Jane Doe, I am sooo with you, you are so awesome' that drives me to wonder about remote state forests, and shovels.
Excellent post....