I've done it.

Wait, hold your applause. Let me tell you what I've done first.

I have come up with a solution for one of society's biggest nuisances.

No, I'm not talking about salad forks, although goodness knows I wish I were.

I'm talking about--

Onlooker Traffic

How frustrated do we get when we sit in traffic for an hour assuming we're about to see some awful car wreck, and it turns out to be a guy getting towed or somebody getting pulled over, and everybody's just slowing down to commit vehicular eavesdropping?

It's an embarrassment to all of civilization. The fact that there's a term for what happens when people don't mind their own business is nothing short of shameful. The Romans certainly never had this problem. If you slowed down on the road to watch some guy castrate his ox, you were beheaded...or something.

Well, now we're going to fix onlooker traffic once and for all--and no, not through beheading--at least, not if this plan works.

Here's my idea:

We change the name Onlooker Traffic to--

Douchebag Traffic.

Wait, hear me out.

The problem with the term "Onlooker Traffic" is that it sounds too nice.

Can't you just hear some fifties mom say to her husband "Oh dear, let's be onlookers tonight. It's such a wonderful thing to be AND you get a free toaster!"

The phrase doesn't at all encapsulate what it means to be one of those people holding up traffic.

So I say, we give it a more appropriate moniker.

After all, who would slow down and stare knowing everybody on the opposite side of the road was thinking the same thing--

"Oh, here goes a Douchebag creating Douchebag traffic."

If the term "douchebag" offends you, don't worry. There are lots of other words we could use.

We could rename it "Pedophile Traffic," "Moron Traffic," "Necrophiliac Traffic."

Imagine having the following exchange with your child:

CHILD: Dad, why are you slowing down?
DAD: I think there might be an accident up ahead.
CHILD: Does that mean you have sex with dead people
DAD: You know what? We're in a rush. I should mind my own business.

See?

Works like a charm.

So let's start calling onlooker traffic what it really is, and pretty soon, we'll all be able to keep our eyes on the road.