The Broccoli Blog

It's Almost Good for You
JANUARY 4, 2013 2:31PM

Sobriety Tests Can Be Fun!

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I don't really drink, and by "don't really" I mean I never drink.


And when you don't drink, people try pressuring you into drinking.

For years, I looked for that glowing moment when something would happen to show me that not drinking all these years has been a good decision.

On New Year's Eve, I had my moment.

I was on the highway at around 1am when the police car behind me turned its lights on, and pulled me over.

After realizing that I wasn't speeding, I felt a rush of exhilaration.

Could they be pulling me over because they suspect me of being...drunk?

I had just swerved, because I had to change songs on my iPhone--

(Don't judge.  I'm offering full disclosure here.)

--maybe this was proof that had I been drinking earlier it would have been the wrong thing to do!

The state trooper was very polite, and right away, got to the good stuff:

Had I been drinking tonight?

Rather than just say, "No, I haven't been.  I actually don't drink," I went to my tried-and-true way of getting out of a ticket.


I say that my blood sugar is low.

You can mock me or act appalled that I would use a serious condition like diabetes to get out of a ticket, but the next time you get pulled over, and you don't want your insurance to go up, let's see how pious you are.

Nobody wants to give a ticket to somebody with diabetes.

It's a known fact.

If you say you have terminal cancer, nobody will believe you.  Also, if you say you don't drink (even if you really don't) police usually won't believe you.

But for some reason they'll believe that you have diabetes, and they'll immediately send you on your way since they have no idea what having diabetes consists of, but they'll think that if they keep or worry you, you'll die immediately and it'll be on their head.

So without thinking I pulled out the diabetes line when I didn't even really need it.

The officer, probably figuring--Well, I already have him pulled over, I may as well go through the motions--still wanted to give me a sobriety test.

I was very excited.

How many times in life are you given a test you KNOW you're going to pass?

It would be like if somebody showed up at my workplace and gave me a pop quiz on Dolly Parton or the underrated performances of Angela Lansbury (of which there are many).

I was ready.

Then I thought about the kind of sobriety tests they could give me, and how I would do on each.

I can definitely count backwards from 100.
I can also recite the alphabet backwards (Thank you, Wee Sing.)
I can sort of walk a straight line but not when I'm nervous.
I can touch my nose with one finger but it usually makes me pee.

But I didn't get any of those tests.

He gave me the pen test.

He held a pen up above my head, and moved a pen back and forth in front of my eyes.  I had to follow the pen without moving my head.

Guys, have you tried that?

It's really hard!

And I was sober!

Thank goodness, I wasn't drunk.  I'd like to think I could convincingly act sober if I was drunk, but the truth is, I can barely pass sobriety tests sober, let alone drunk.

It didn't help that I was laughing the entire time.

The officer said to the other officer there--"He's got diabetes" and I think that's why they let me go.

So you see, diabetes saved me after all.

I bet that's something you don't hear every day.

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Fun Read, Kevin! But changing songs on your iPhone is soooo dangerous! Albert Brooks in the 1991 Movie "Defending Your Life" did just that (but not an iPhone yet) & found himself in Purgatory! R