If you’re thinking, “but I’m not a bitch at all,” you are in the right place! This post is Lesson One in the Series "How to Be a Bitch."  To read the Introduction, go here:  HTBAB: Introduction. 

We want to create good bitches.  What is a good bitch?  In a nutshell she is a strong, confident person who speaks her mind and achieves her goals.  At times, your goals will be in conflict with others’ goals. 

At times, what’s on your mind won’t be pretty or nice.  This is when the bad bitch mojo can raise its head and slither up your leg.  It takes practice and self-awareness to keep it at bay.  Otherwise, you’ll be one of those bitches that gives us good bitches a bad name.

Let’s look at some bitch archetypes to help refine this concept.  You are worried about being a bitch because you don’t want to be a…

Catty Bitch: She’s the mean girl from junior high; she’s the whispery gossip at the PTA.  She smiles ever so sweetly to your face, then tells her coffee group about the shameful story you told her in tears.  Your shoes.  Your purse.  Your clothes.  Your hair.  She cares about all of it and nothing of yours is ever up to par – unless she’s talking to you, in which case it’s just darling.  She makes people fear the suburbs.  Think Real Housewives of Orange County.

Mean Bitch:  She’s the mom whose daughter is never going to get a date with a face like that.  She’s the instigator of “Slam Books.”  She does things that upset people just to watch them squirm.  She can really get on a roll with the anonymity of the Internet.  Think Cruella De Ville.

Superior Bitch:  Everything you do, she’s done faster, better and before you.  Unlike Catty Bitch, Superior Bitch has no problem looking down her nose at you and sneering.  She is often amused by the plebian sensibilities and charming ignorance of the masses.  Think Anna Wintour.

Demanding Bitch:  She is the spoiled child, the boss from hell or your high-maintenance girlfriend.  The world is for her pleasure.  Waiters, housekeepers, valets, retail clerk are all her personal minions.  Suitors better come to see her bearing gifts.    Think Veruca Salt.

But maybe you could get behind this concept if you could be a…

Tenacious Bitch:  She has a cause, a passion, a purpose and no one is going to take it from her.  She’s the activist with a cause, the mom whose child needs special education, the DA taking down the drug gang. She might be referred to as a pit-bull.  She can be blind to other concerns or needs .  Think Erin Brockovich.

Brilliant Bitch:  She’s usually the smartest person in the room.  She knows what needs to be done and can’t understand why it isn’t just as obvious to everyone else as it is to her.  She has to be vigilant about not being superior bitch and use her brain for good instead.  Loves a challenge and is happy to help solve any problem. Think Emily Deschanel asTemperance Brennan in Bones.

Propriety-Ignoring Bitch:  Don’t tell her girls don’t drink beer or wear white before Memorial Day.  She’s not much interested in the roles society assigns.  She says and does pretty much whatever she pleases.  If she’s got a bit of Tenacious Bitch in her, society changes.  Think Janice Joplin, Jo March, half the women Jane Austen wrote and Mae West.

Warrior Queen Bitch:  in the most literal sense, you find her in history & fiction.  In a broader sense you find her almost every day.  Unlike Ms. Tenacious, Ms. WQB fights for others based on who they are, rather than what their cause is.  She fights for her tribe, her friends, her people, her family – even, for herself.  Think Greek goddess Athena, The Trung Sisters of Vietnam and, of course Xena, Warrior Princess.

Think about how each of these bitches manifests in your life and in your mind.  And then come back for our next installment in your journey to WQB!