Chuck Heston, sorry you died last year but you lived a long and fruitful life for such a tough cowboy.  As a young kid I saw you in "Ben Hur" and for a long time, you were my hero.  "The Ten Commandments" was a decent flick in its day, but not nearly as good as "Ben Hur".  In your second half of your career, pretty much right after "Planet of the Apes", your acting soured and so did your personality.  Your dead, so I can't really say this to you man to man, but those were films, not reality and you were a real son of a bitch toward the end. 
 
You weren't really a superhero or a biblical character.  So now that your beloved firearm has been peeled from your cold, dead fingers I'd like to say that I want my time and money back that I spent toward your work.  Your reaction after a young child was shot dead in Michigan was deplorable.  You had the gall to go ahead with an NRA rally the same week in her hometown.  At that moment, you were dead to me.  Have an angel fly me the money for my time and box office spent on you over the years.  We will call it even.
Jon Voight, what can I say about you?  You are one major league ass bag and I cannot put into words how much I despise you.  "Coming Home" was a good film.  You've had a couple of other good, borderline great films in your life.  But was it worth it considering how badly you fucked up your kids?  I mean, c'mon, they French kiss each other.  Angelina has become quite a great woman in spite of you.  I saw Bill Shatner dismantle you and humiliate you on "Raw Nerve" and I wanted to hug and kiss him for doing it.
 
Let's remember Jon, you only played in "Runaway Train" and "Coming Home."  You never fought in Vietnam and you were never in prison.  You are not a bad ass, you're a very middle of the road actor and horrible parent.  You now live miserably alone with your thoughts and memories.  I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.  You suck and I can't stand you.  I want all my money back spent on films you were in and I want compensation for time spent as well.  If you can convince Angelina to give me two hours alone, we'll call it even.
Tom Selleck.  Wow, what a douche bag you are indeed.  You had one hit show and  in retrospect, it was really stupid.  You give the Detroit Tigers a bad name and should never wear their hat again.  You're wearing a Vietnam Vet hat in this photo and you were never a veteran of Vietnam.  Maybe if you were shot at in a real war, or had to kill many men, women and children, you wouldn't go on talk shows and make an asshole out of yourself.
 
You give tall men a bad name.  You are not a good actor, in fact, you suck.  You are Magnum in every role you play.  Magnum was in reality a pussy.  So are you Tom.  How about you put down your guns and we go a few rounds mano a mano?  I know I can take you down because I believe in fair fights, not a militia.  You support gun owners but I bet you've never shot a live round in your life.  You do know that those prop guns aren't real, right?  Yeah, I know Jon Eric Hexum killed himself with a prop gun, but that was from the muzzle flash.
 
I want the hours I spent watching Magnum P.I. back.  I only watched it for Higgins and the other cat.  I always laughed at your big, goofy ass and your head sticking out of the top of the car.  You were pretty young to have a mid-life crisis.  Oh, and I'll take you one on one on the court any day of the week, and since your ass is so old now, I'll play left handed.  I want my time back, the least you can do is let me nut punch you once.  Now, shut the fuck up, you're irrelevant as I don't see C.B.S. asking you to reprise the Magnum role anytime soon.  Not unless they call it "Magnum MRI".
Chuck Norris, the first time I saw you on screen you were getting your ass handed to you by Bruce Lee.  You looked like a bad porn actor then and your acting skills only got worse.  I love your tough image and I don't know if you remember, but we met here while you were filming one of your infamously bad Vietnam war films.  They weren't real Chuck.  All those characters were still alive.  You don't owe me much money because I never watched your films.  I did want to include you though because you are a 68-year old bully tough guy and need to be hit with a shovel just hard enough to shut you up.
 
You are not a bad ass and a lot of young guys that watched you can now kick your old ass.  You are not an inspiration to me for being in good shape at your age.  You're just another geriatric tough guy.  Let me introduce you to my friend (ha) Gordon Osmond.  He's like you, old, bitter, alone and a huge right winger.  Maybe since you cheated on your wife all those times here in town while filming your movie, you can hook up with Gordon O and give the gay lifestyle a try.  He live in Sao Paulo, what a better place for you to live out your lives...

 

I want my time and my money back.  Make checks payable to Kind of Blue.