I still get a little edgy when people talk about “family.” Over fifty years into the game, and I’m still wondering what it means.
At our core, at the very base of our soul, we want to belong to something bigger than ourselves, to be a part of a world beyond our own mirror. We have an almost insatiable drive to connect with our universe. Our natural families seem to be the logical stepping stones into that universe.
Except when they are not.
Millions of children through the ages have grown up in homes with adults who were not our parents. I am such a person. Many of you are as well. Some of these homes are extraordinary remedies for circumstances which propel us away from our parents at a tender age. Some of these homes are a hundred times more deplorable than the circumstances to which we were born.
My whole life I searched through crowds for faces that resembled my own. I longed for bloodlines that merged with my own. In the river of life, I swam alone.
Or so I imagined for a very long time.
This evening I sat out at my little pond listening to crickets and cicadas, a few birds singing the last refrain of another summer day. The frogs had not come out yet, and I found I missed them.
My eyes roved carelessly across the yard. I saw the large planter that my boy, who is not my son, gave me for Mother’s Day. Yesterday I drilled a hole in the side and ran the pump hose into the hole, leaned the pot forward a little, and when it fills with water it washes over the top and onto a rock, and then part of the water splashes a little to a smaller rock. The water washes off both rocks and empties itself as small falls back into the pond. It gave me such joy to watch, and in watching, it filled me with great love for this young man who honors and respects me. He is my family.
I glanced over beside the bamboo to the two gladiolas, ready to bloom any day. They remind me of the only woman I ever knew as “Grandma,” though we were not related. She was the mother of my adoptive mother, and I adored her. She had a large plot of gladiolas the entire twenty years I knew her. She tended those flowers as the children they were to her. They were precious to her, as I am to her. She is my family.
Hanging over on a post by the back porch is an old hand hewn paddle with little holes drilled in it. The paddle has one purpose in life: to swat bees. My foster father Pop made it years ago after he got run out of his workshop by a swarm of bees. Mom loved to tell the story of him doing the “Bumble Bee Bop.” As she spoke he would listen with a big grin and an occasional giggle. Mom and Pop owe me nothing, yet give me all that they have. They are my family.
I looked across the yard through the shadows of the aging day and I saw a large chair. It reminded me of an elderly woman I met in a nursing home when I was a freshman in high school. Her name was Mrs Mattingly, and I visited her nearly every Saturday for many years. She spent hours talking to me about the days when she was an English teacher long before integration.
Every once in a while she’d wag her finger at me and say, “Don’t you ever let me catch you talking trash about black folks! We are the same as you white folks under our dark skin!” When I considered dropping out of college Mrs Mattingly fussed at me, wagged her finger in my face again, and exclaimed, “You drop out of school, I’ll climb out of this big ol’ chair and whack you upside your noggin’! Don’t think I won’t!” She died a year before I graduated, and I knew, I knew she was in the audience smiling at me. Mrs Mattingly cherishes me. She is my family.
Ella Rose rustled in the chair next to me. We had sat quietly much of the evening, enjoying the remnants of the day. I looked at her, and she looked back at me, and I reminded myself that I am entirely undeserving of her great affection for me. She has the magic of smiling all my fears away. After ten years she still holds my hand every chance she gets, in the car, watching tv, sitting on the porch. She loves me. She is my family.
These people, and oh, so many others, so very many others, are my family. I look like none of them. And yet they are mine to know and to love. The river of life, I have learned, is not a river of blood, but of water. I swim with my family because I am adored.
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Comments
I am glad you and I chose some good people to be our new family.
Rated with hugs.
A beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing your family with us. And you have a great day!
Thanks for a well written reminder.
Lezlie
I caught the tail end of the film "The Birdcage" the other night (I've only seen that movie maybe 50 times), the part where they were smuggling the congressman and his wife out of the club and the song "We Are Family" was playing. The film says so much about what a family is--and offers the conclusion that "family" means whatever we make it to mean.
If I had to rely only on biological family members to help me when I need it I'd be in sad shape--and probably already in a nursing home by now, since there are many things I can no longer do for myself. But I'm blessed to have loyal and loving friends who come, voluntarily, to help me. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of love but I'm grateful every day for these lovely folks.
This piece brought all of them to my mind again. So thanks for that, Kit. Rated. D
PM - Yes - each of these precious people live with me still. I just about have a whole bleacher section now!
Little Kate - Why, thanks! I believe I will!
Romantic Poetess - You're welcome!
greenheron - LOL! I've actually never killed a bee with the ol' bumble bee paddle. I prefer shooting them up 20 feet in the air with a water hose. Immediately followed, of course, by the next generation of The Bumble Bee Bop!
Owl - Thank you! I actually did compose the bulk of this from the water's edge of my little meditative pond. Wow! Does it show??
zanelle - I have come to a similar conclusion, though I do not preclude the fact that there are many biological families who adore one another. I guess we each have to find our own way.
Fusun - Yes, yes - absolutely. The Queen of the Southern Sock Monkeys has been nagging me for days to do a blog of her tending the pond. Watch for it!
L - Yep - it sorta jerked mine, too! Glad I'm not alone!
Amanda - What a great honor it would be to sit in your inner circle! Heck, I'll even bring the chips!
"The river of life, I have learned, is not a river of blood, but of water. I swim with my family because I am adored." Well done._r
Blu Speck - I think so, too. Thanks!
Yarn Over - I love that movie! And the end, them dancing through the maze, what a great celebration of family!! Thank you for reminding us of that!
TME - Indeed! I came to the realization a little late, but my "family" was there all along!
lemon - LOL! I actually thought about it, if you want to know the truth. But for various reasons, decided against it. Thank you so much for the notion!
dianaani - Does that mean I can wear your hat sometimes??? Seriously, though - thanks for your kind words.
Joan - I am honored at your comments, truly! I, too, like that line alot. I wonder where in the world I found that within me?
Jonathan - Thanks!
Doireann - Well, I pouted for a long time about not having a "family," and then came to realization that I had a very fine family! Thanks for you comment!
Just Thinking - It's not a smooth path, is it? I have been an adopted child, a foster toddler, a foster teen, and foster parent, and adoption and foster care caseworker for infants, older, and special needs kids, and an administrator in a statewide adoption and foster care program. It is a very intricate process - and not for sissies. I look forward to hearing more of your journey!
Dave - I wonder. I'm not even sure if blood IS the connection. I think it is more the conduit. Sometimes people are families with the ones they are related to and sometimes they are not. I expect I will revisit this theme a few more times in my life.
Jerry, I love how you summarize this!
scanner - Yes, I am "related" to one similar to what you describe. Family must be very broader than the confines of blood!
Aunt Mabel - I does what I can! ;)
Ll2 - What a lovely thought!
Cranky - Yes! I will gladly take you as my brudder!
ladyslipper - I'm glad you enjoyed this!