Text Of Charlie Rose's Interview With Joe Biden - September 14, 2008

 Charlie Rose:  Thank you so much for being here, Senator. There is so much I want to cover, but let me start with your sense of Senator Obama. What will he bring to the Oval Office? What kind of president should the American people expect? 

Joe Biden:  Charlie, thanks for having me. Look, let me first say how honored I am to be on this ticket. I really am, Charlie. This has been...it's terrific, you know? I'll tell ya, my son came to me the other day and said, 'dad, you look twenty years younger out there campaigning.' And I told him I feel twenty years younger! I do, Charlie. This morning I did 100 pushups! 100 pushups! Can you believe it? 

 Charlie Rose: Well, I--

Joe Biden: And then I did 1,000 jumping jacks. Right there in my hotel room. 6 o'clock in the morning. Naked as a deer. Balls knocking around like rocks in a sock. 

Charlie Rose: I guess--

Joe Biden:  I hired this guy Sheeth or Shrump or, I dunno, Sugar or something. Anyway, Gypsie guy who rubs me down every night. He can't speak a lick of English and smells like duck crap, but lemme tell ya -- he gives one heck of a massage. You like Gypsies, Charlie?

Charlie Rose: I'm--

Joe Biden: Shump brings his 9 year old son around all the time -- teaching him the massage business. Anyway, the kid is...well, he's like all kids these days, Charlie -- a rotten little S.O.B.

Charlie Rose: Senator--

Joe Biden: One of those little punks who steals anything within five feet. The other day, I caught him trying to make off with my cuff links. Not some chink bullshit cuff links either. Nice gold ones. A gift from this big Jew fundraiser up in New York.  Anyway, I got up off the massage table and decked the kid. Boom! Iron fist right to the jaw, Charlie! Dropped him like a dead stripper. Felt like I was 25 again.

Kids these days. They need to be straightened out -- given some discipline. I always tell parents: you got to treat your kids like 007 treated his broads. They get a little out of line you slap 'em right across the face. Bam!

Charlie Rose: The-- 

Joe Biden:  I ever tell you about the time back in college when I took a dump on the steps of the Alpha Chi Omega house?

Charlie Rose: I don't think--

Joe Biden:  Or when my fraternity brother dared me to go up to every ugly girl I could find and tell her all the reasons I'd never ask her out?

Charlie Rose: Let's--

Joe Biden: There was this wop broad with a walleye. I'd been drinking like an Indian that night. I walked right up to her and said, 'Missy, I'm keeping my eye on you.' And then I pointed to my eye and laughed right in her face. Get it, Charlie? Keeping my eye on you?

Charlie Rose: That's very-- 

Joe Biden:  You think fat people should be able to vote? 

Charlie Rose: I'm sorry--

Joe Biden: Fat people. Should they be able to vote? 

Charlie Rose: I--

Joe Biden:  Or dumb people. We should put together a little IQ test for voters. Over 90 step into the ballot booth. Under 90 go home. Hell, I should be careful. If we had a dumb test in November Barack would lose by 15 points. Honest to God truth? I'd be kinda relieved if we lost. John would make a better president anyway. He really would. Charlie, can you believe Barack asked me why we're not spending more time campaigning in Canada? I'm not shitting you. He thought it was a state. Canada. A state. Can you believe it? This guy wants to be commander-in-chief and he thinks we should be sending campaign flyers to igloos in the Northwest Territories! I told John and he laughed his ass off. Said they'd be putting together a 30 second ad called "Igloo." 

Charlie Rose: Thank you for joining us.