George Chesterton

George Chesterton
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JULY 13, 2009 2:42PM

The United States of America 1776 – 2018

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The United States of America, who dominated the world’s commerce, culture and foreign affairs for nearly two and a half centuries, died Sunday evening at the age of 242. The official cause of death was apathy, although in recent years she had suffered from a variety of serious ailments.

Historians are already focusing on the election of President Sarah Palin in 2012 as the beginning of the end for the United States. The election proved to be a pivotal one and political strategists consider Palin’s campaign against then-President Barack Obama as one of the most effective in American history. Her signature slogan, “94 IQ Just Like You” burnished her regular gal credentials while shrewdly exposing President Obama’s erudition and intelligence. Polls taken throughout the campaign showed that voters considered Mr. Obama’s intelligence as the issue that concerned them most, with well over 90 percent of Americans stating that his intellect made him “totally weird.”

The United States of America, known to many simply as “America,” cemented her reputation as a fighter early in life, waging the first of what would become many wars with her own mother, The United Kingdom, from which she emerged fully emancipated at the tender age of 8.

But it was America’s final war, The War for Families, which many historians view as her most serious military blunder. Despite the advice of nearly all her military advisors, President Palin invaded the city of San Francisco after arguing that the west coast port was in fact a foreign country in possession of dangerous stockpiles of WGIs (Weapons of Gay Influence). Before the pre-emptive invasion, the Palin White House waged an aggressive public relations campaign to gain support for The War for Families, repeatedly telling skeptics that "we can't wait for the smoking gun, which might come in the form of a Brokeback Mountain sequel." By October of 2014 a Gallup poll found that 93 percent of the American public believed that San Francisco was a foreign country amassing dangerous stockpiles of WGIs and that an attack upon America was imminent.

The war lasted less than 48 hours and in the days that followed, The Apostles, an elite special forces unit from the Family Research Council, publicly presented what they called “significant stockpiles of WGIs,” including two Celine Dion bobbleheads, the filmmaker Gus Van Sant and a fuscia ascot which they said smelled of Drakkar Noir.

The United States of America had difficulty living within her means, especially in her later years, borrowing billions of dollars from friends to support her lavish lifestyle. By 2015, she was 75 trillion dollars in debt and reduced to auctioning off many of her most prized possessions, including the Lincoln Memorial, which became the Lincoln Mutual Life and Casualty Insurance Memorial. Other treasured items that were sold and renamed included the Cutlass Supreme Court, the Samsung Korean Memorial and the International White House of Pancakes. The Sotheby’s auction raised nearly 200 million dollars, which the United States said would be used to pay off her debt, but the money was instead given back to the companies who participated in the auction in the form of a bailout.

The Literature Purification Act of 2013 granted President Palin sweeping powers to burn books that she deemed “not with the morals of us.” Thus began an aggressive burning campaign in which thousands of grass-roots activists were enlisted to participate. When it was all over, the only books that remained were the King James Holy Bible, the works of Judith Krantz and President Palin's bestselling autobiography, "Lipsick Pit Bull."

Critics contend that the United States lost focus in recent years, due in large part to a powerful prescription pill addiction, rumored to include Ativan, Valium, Vicodin, Cialis, Lunesta, Effexor, Lexapro, Trazodone, Zoloft, Paxil, Viagra, Klonopin, Xanax, Halcion, Ambien, Levitra, Adderall, Ritalin and Celexa. Although a previous addiction to Prozac was successfully overcome in the late 90's.

In her will, The United States of America bequeathed her national parks to Exxon Mobil, her lakes to a Chinese sovereign wealth fund and what is left of her soul to Goldman Sachs. Wall Street insiders say Goldman Sachs plans to split America’s soul into thousands of credit default swaps, hold a closed auction and then buy back the swaps and turn them into mortgage backed securities, which will then be re-packaged and sold to the American people as adjustable-rate, interest-only, negative amortization, home equity mortgage loans.

A spokesman for Goldman Sachs declined to comment.

The United States of America is survived by her husband, the state of Israel, whom she married in 1948. The couple’s only child, former Congressman Rham Emmanuel, told the Associated Press his widowed father will be moved over the weekend to a retirement home in Boca.

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I LOVE it!! LOVE IT!!! This is one of your best ones yet. Maybe there could be an American born-again sequel or America reincarnated or America resurrected. But this, I love. You have geniusness. Is that a word?
Laughing out loud. And crying.
Because it could happen.
Both hilarious and scaring me shitless. Because as Verbal said, yikes, that book burning thing especially, she'd do it. If she was elected, within two years, we'd have "Palin Prisons" where anyone who disagreed with her would be sent to disappear. I want that to be a joke but yikes, NOT.
You are a fellow traveler of one Mike Judge. See his film "Idiocracy" if you have you to do so. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

Well done..
"If you have YET to do so" see Idiocracy.. Damn.. I'm a constituent of the Idiocracy.. Ouch!!!
This is quite the story! I'd love to believe it is only fiction, and the logical part of me says if Sarah Palin ran for POTUS, it would be a gift to the Democrats. But still. She's. so. scary.
Thank you for your crafty creativity!
Peace.
www.lisananetteallender.blogspot.com
When are you going to set up your tip account?

Again, you never cease to amaze me!

"Goldman Sachs declined to comment"...I"m dying...

....and the new bio is fab...poor Mr. Black's arms...sigh:(

Reading your blogs has become an event...everyone gathers around the computer now to listen...it is so exciting...keep em' coming...Mr. Breay...

this "broad do love your posts"....
Son of a bitch, it was a hell of a hangover, but for fucktards sake, the past nine years are a blur.

I finally shower off the whiskey haze and ass clown Palin has killed America?

Can't say I'm surprised. I hope that Bible-thumping, yahoo didn't close the bars. I'm gonna stupify myself for another nine years.

Maybe when I come out of this Rip Van Winkle stupor one of the Bush chicks will be president. Paris Hilton's age should've passed her IQ by then... she'd make a good err apparent.

Bartender, yes dump it in the bucket. It goes through the tube directly into my veins. And yes seven anti-freeze and Pine-Sol martinis... Fading back into the haze. What a wondrous thing stupification is...
Talk about prescient...
Ouch.

But in a good way.
Very creative post but blaming the whole thing on Sarah Palin? Many of the problems you speak of existed before she was ever born. But that's not the point is it? The point is a macho guy like you is intimidated by a powerful woman so you have to slam her instead of looking at yourself. But the sad part is the OS women high fiving you. It's like watching girls singing rap songs calling themselves bitches and 'hos and thinking in some fucktard way they're cool.
The United States of America, who dominated the world’s commerce, culture and foreign affairs for nearly two and a half centuries...

That's a bit of historical revisionism, considering the US was a relative backwater until after the Civil War.

Nonetheless, a hilarious post!
Where do you get your insider information? Fantastic!
Funny. But truth, maybe.
Perfectly stated! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!
Amerika. Feeling `weird' aka Obama's intelligence is a killer - for him electroally. SF a cool relaxed city banished from the country's psyche. Fahrenheit 451 by decree. And broke. The Russians must be laughing all the way to the gas bank. Scary stuff. Spot on. WAKE UP AMERICA.
I linked to this on Facebook to share the mood. I am new to OS and this is the first time I have read anything by you, including your bio. Future history can be very instructive. Still, strongly worded stuff. I'm sure it's in fun, it's your look. I did link to it, remember. But I do have reservations. What is with the gendered pronoun for a nation? It enables the obit jokes, yes. Not sure it was worth it. Feminizing the demon-nation and demon-president, coupled with your bio, makes an overall effect of male whining. Was that your goal?
I chuckled (and cringed) as I read this. Excellent piece!
Why Boca, You ask...."It's where we go."
You know - I've just about ....Well, to tell you the truth I was lured to your space tonight by some mystical and enchanting aroma...

Oh Breay - where for art thou??

The bio is hot and spicy! HA!
I was waiting for Nell Carter's ghost to appear but I didn't have any luck.
Is there a method to your madness? A trick to the twist. Is my mouse cursed?
Ha!
Dang! I wanted the hummer...but the earrings are quite nice.
Re: 1776-2018
Wonderful , intelligent and witty - and scary too!. Your reference
to Americas Mother struck me as spot on, and I can tell you for
certain that Mother does not approve of the marriage.
Being serious for a moment, even our own Manchester city Jewish community, of vastly ancient settlement, has serious doubts about
what Israel does these days.
With love from a descendant of a Loyalist refugee after 1776. We were about a third of folks then, are still out here, and we still care.
America needs to come off of "magic pills" and actually DO work once again. There is currently a shortage of adderall cuz everyone has "ADHD".