JULY 13, 2009 2:42PM
The United States of America 1776 â€“ 2018
The United States of America, who dominated the world’s commerce, culture and foreign affairs for nearly two and a half centuries, died Sunday evening at the age of 242. The official cause of death was apathy, although in recent years she had suffered from a variety of serious ailments.
Historians are already focusing on the election of President Sarah Palin in 2012 as the beginning of the end for the United States. The election proved to be a pivotal one and political strategists consider Palin’s campaign against then-President Barack Obama as one of the most effective in American history. Her signature slogan, “94 IQ Just Like You” burnished her regular gal credentials while shrewdly exposing President Obama’s erudition and intelligence. Polls taken throughout the campaign showed that voters considered Mr. Obama’s intelligence as the issue that concerned them most, with well over 90 percent of Americans stating that his intellect made him “totally weird.”
The United States of America, known to many simply as “America,” cemented her reputation as a fighter early in life, waging the first of what would become many wars with her own mother, The United Kingdom, from which she emerged fully emancipated at the tender age of 8.
But it was America’s final war, The War for Families, which many historians view as her most serious military blunder. Despite the advice of nearly all her military advisors, President Palin invaded the city of San Francisco after arguing that the west coast port was in fact a foreign country in possession of dangerous stockpiles of WGIs (Weapons of Gay Influence). Before the pre-emptive invasion, the Palin White House waged an aggressive public relations campaign to gain support for The War for Families, repeatedly telling skeptics that "we can't wait for the smoking gun, which might come in the form of a Brokeback Mountain sequel." By October of 2014 a Gallup poll found that 93 percent of the American public believed that San Francisco was a foreign country amassing dangerous stockpiles of WGIs and that an attack upon America was imminent.
The war lasted less than 48 hours and in the days that followed, The Apostles, an elite special forces unit from the Family Research Council, publicly presented what they called “significant stockpiles of WGIs,” including two Celine Dion bobbleheads, the filmmaker Gus Van Sant and a fuscia ascot which they said smelled of Drakkar Noir.
The United States of America had difficulty living within her means, especially in her later years, borrowing billions of dollars from friends to support her lavish lifestyle. By 2015, she was 75 trillion dollars in debt and reduced to auctioning off many of her most prized possessions, including the Lincoln Memorial, which became the Lincoln Mutual Life and Casualty Insurance Memorial. Other treasured items that were sold and renamed included the Cutlass Supreme Court, the Samsung Korean Memorial and the International White House of Pancakes. The Sotheby’s auction raised nearly 200 million dollars, which the United States said would be used to pay off her debt, but the money was instead given back to the companies who participated in the auction in the form of a bailout.
The Literature Purification Act of 2013 granted President Palin sweeping powers to burn books that she deemed “not with the morals of us.” Thus began an aggressive burning campaign in which thousands of grass-roots activists were enlisted to participate. When it was all over, the only books that remained were the King James Holy Bible, the works of Judith Krantz and President Palin's bestselling autobiography, "Lipsick Pit Bull."
Critics contend that the United States lost focus in recent years, due in large part to a powerful prescription pill addiction, rumored to include Ativan, Valium, Vicodin, Cialis, Lunesta, Effexor, Lexapro, Trazodone, Zoloft, Paxil, Viagra, Klonopin, Xanax, Halcion, Ambien, Levitra, Adderall, Ritalin and Celexa. Although a previous addiction to Prozac was successfully overcome in the late 90's.
In her will, The United States of America bequeathed her national parks to Exxon Mobil, her lakes to a Chinese sovereign wealth fund and what is left of her soul to Goldman Sachs. Wall Street insiders say Goldman Sachs plans to split America’s soul into thousands of credit default swaps, hold a closed auction and then buy back the swaps and turn them into mortgage backed securities, which will then be re-packaged and sold to the American people as adjustable-rate, interest-only, negative amortization, home equity mortgage loans.
A spokesman for Goldman Sachs declined to comment.
The United States of America is survived by her husband, the state of Israel, whom she married in 1948. The couple’s only child, former Congressman Rham Emmanuel, told the Associated Press his widowed father will be moved over the weekend to a retirement home in Boca.