K.M. Breay

K.M. Breay
Location
Havana, Cuba
Birthday
April 21
Bio
www.kmbreay.com 美国作家。本名塞谬尔·朗赫恩·克莱门斯。

MY RECENT COMMENTS

K.M. Breay's Links

萨缪尔克莱门斯
Editor’s Pick
JULY 27, 2009 11:03AM

Bush Frequent Presence At Shopping Mall

Rate: 61 Flag

Every weekday at noon inside a North Dallas shopping mall, the 43rd president of the United States of America sits down at his usual table in the food court and settles in for lunch with a jumbo Mello Yello, two plates of magic fries and a grande chimichanga.  “When he first starting showin’ up at the mall, people would always come over and ask for his autograph or whatever,” said Daryl Vanderveen, a 19-year-old cashier at Sbarro Pizza. “But now that he’s here so much nobody even looks up from their lunch.”

Sources interviewed for this article said that Mr. Bush spends at least eight hours of each day at the Preston Hollow Shopping Center, a popular retail destination near his home in suburban Dallas. “Other than that chimichanga lunch he doesn’t really have a set routine,” said one source. “Sometimes he’ll hang around Lenscrafters trying on glasses or head over to Abercrombie & Fitch and watch the girls fold pants.  Last week I saw him inside Pottery Barn sleeping in a leather recliner.”

But some mall employees are beginning to complain about the former president. “The other day I was taking a smoke break near the fountain and he just kept asking me stupid stuff like, ‘guess how fast I could get a hot dog in the White House,’” said Amber Kaul, who works part-time at the T-Mobile kiosk. “So finally I’m like ‘I dunno, ten minutes?’ And he’s all like ‘more like two minutes’ and then he snaps his fingers and gives me this cocky look like I’m supposed to care.” Donna Simpson, a barista at the mall Starbucks, said the former president is often a distraction from her work. “He sits down over there with his laptop and supposedly starts working on his book,” said Ms. Simpson. “But after about five minutes he comes over, takes a seat at the counter and starts telling how there’s milk duds on Air Force One or Dick Cheney has a glass eye. I’m like ‘dude, there’s about fifty people in line right now, go write your book’.”

Nestor Martinez, a 20-year-old mall security guard, confirmed that on at least two occasions he’s had to speak to the former president about his behavior. “We started getting complaints that he was hanging out in the men’s room asking guys if they wanted to have their picture taken with him,” said Mr. Martinez. “When I told him to stop he said, ‘let’s go sort it out over a game of Donkey Kong.’ So after my shift we went over to the arcade and I beat him in a best of three. Then he got all pissed off and said he’d take up the bathroom thing with my boss.”

Two sources have confirmed that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was recently enlisted by friends and former aides to speak to Mr. Bush about the situation. “She asked him point blank if it was true that he'd spent an entire afternoon doing nothing but riding up and down the escalators,” said the source. “The president got really angry with Condi and refused to give her a straight answer.”

When the president left office six months ago, it was announced that in addition to writing a book detailing the key decision points of his presidency, he would dedicate himself to promoting democracy throughout the world. Many friends and former advisors close to Mr. Bush admit privately that he has not made progress on either the book or his democracy agenda. “He told me he was going to open up some kind of ‘freedom institute’,” said a prominent G.O.P. fundraiser. “I’m not sure how you promote democracy by camping out in front of a shopping mall arcade challenging strangers to games of Ms. Pac Man.”

In response to questions about the president’s schedule, a spokesman released the following statement. “The president continues to work towards advancing freedom around the world and is busy with his book.” 

 

 

Author tags:

george bush

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
At least no one is dying from his current behavior. Sounds like he's doing what he does best. Much better than when he was president:-) Thumbs up on this one.....
You should write for The Onion. This is great.
Just the kind of online reportage the nation so desperately needs. Take THAT, New York Times and Cleveland Plain Dealer!
Umm... what he said
Pathetic. A broken man.
Wonderful satire. Good to see you here.
With all due respect, this is very tired and actually not funny at all. I have a feeling Jonathan Swift is taking a moment from kicking it with Mr. Pope to shake his head in disapproval. Perhaps you will find a new subject to write about by the time 2012 rolls around. Good try though. Godspeed.
Remember the video of Bush senior at a checkout counter in a supermarket in awe of the scanner? "BEEP! Do it again! BEEP! Do it again! BEEP! Do it...This family has NO CLUE what the rest of the planet has to deal with. Thank God and Greyhound they're GONE!
Let's see some pictures--I'll even settle for Photoshop.
You know, it just makes me sick, what you media types cover up. Why is there no mention of the incident involving the sample girl outside the pretzel place? Of course, when you've been president, I guess it doesn't matter when you break the laws of either man or nature, which W's actions clearly did.
Hahaha funny. Bush is a sorry SOB. Seriously, I wonder how his 'book' is coming along?
You are my new idol. Brace yourself.
Well if that keeps him away from the lecture tours ....leave him be. In fact I have a better one. Maybe someone can make some money off of this one. Might help the dismal economy he helped in crafting along with others.....but seriously ..... wheres the rest of the family?
I don't think I've ever seen a subject savaged so mercilessly in such a gentle way.

Beyond hysterical.

The hapless guy you describe here? You know I think I could vote for a man like that.

loved this.
I admit I just gave you a thumbs up because of your bio. But then I got to "“The president got really angry with Condi and refused to give her a straight answer.” and figured you'd earned that thumb twice over. Then I got to "Many friends and former advisors close to Mr. Bush admit privately that he has not made progress on either the book or his democracy agenda." and decided that I love you.

You should made this a regular feature, except if you do he'll start to seem like a harmless codger and people might feel some affection for his simple ways, and start feeling all nostalgic, forgetting where the real source of humor from which such writing stems.
Love this! I'm actually picturing him at Valley View Mall, not very far from Shrubville and normally habituated by the boyz from the hood.
Funny, very funny. I like how your bio is now in Mandarine. Let me know if you need a Ukrainian translit.
Our former President, ladies and gentlemen! Let's give him a big hand!

Oh, by the way: does he wear Crocs? Just wonderin'.
Bravo. I was almost a paragraph in before the penny dropped.

Would that it were true, that he'd just sit there just doing SFA instead of whatever it is he thinks promotes freedom around the world. He tried that already and killed most of a million people at about $3M a pop when the bean counters were done. Can't wait for the book, though. I got the Crayolas all sharp.

He's actually begun his speaking tour, but, coward that he is, only where he can preach to the choir. His first gig was in Calgary in March to a hand-picked bunch of paleoconservative oil barons. He couldn't even face down his own citizens that soon after he left the WH.

Keep it coming!
At least now he's doing what he does best. I've been wondering how he spends his time on Sundays as Chick'filet isn't open.

Thanks for your insight and perfect brilliance.
This is hilarious, but I have my doubts about the truth of it. Can anyone offer any credible sources for any of the information contained in the article?
great satire, especially because it's credible
You can almost picture Bush in dark blue sweats and a shiny pair of Nikes power walking all over the mall.
I guess it's kind of sad (for Bush) that I didn't realize this was a joke until the 3rd paragraph.
"Hanging out in the men's room" is my favorite line, Dude.

This is satire? I live in the Dallas area and it sounds entirely plausible. They must have banned him from Elliott's Hardware, so where's he gonna go?

Well done.
Thanks! This is hilarious.

For everyone who takes this seriously: It's a joke. George W. Bush isn't really challenging mall patrons to Donkey Kong and Ms. Pac Man. The secret service wouldn't let him sleep in a recliner at the Pottery Barn.
I got that this was a spoof at the end of paragraph one, and it took that long only because I've got NPR's ATC buzzing in the background, am sucking an MGD 64 the nonce, with my brain on autopilot.

Come ON, people... I'm talkina you, "nitejazz" & "riskguy"! Why so gullible? [I'm TOTALLY with you, "jsewn".]
Sweet bio! Google translate says:

"American Literature Study Guide" (second edition) is the history of American literature and counseling to learn to choose the book works. The first edition was published since been well-received by readers, reprinted more than ten times. In the first edition of this book have done well based on the amendment. Four major components: the history of American literature and practice to choose a comprehensive reference to the answer, appendix and a bibliography. Comprehensive practice test questions are the mainstream of literary questions: fill in the blank, determine the error and the error is, a number of options, sub-segments, and work analysis. Exercises are divided into 9 large panels to
Look, I know GW. and Jeb...he is a good man, his wife is a wonderful lady. He loves this country. He was just wrong on Iraq...he should have told his dad to get rid of Saddam....he kept us safe from attacks after 911 and for that I'm grateful. He also uses our Mr. Wiffle Sonic Tail Lures....they catch bigger fish...because they swim to the RIGHT>

Give the guy some credit...he knows a good burger and fries.
if there's a word of truth in this, people who voted for him should go out back and cut off the hand that pressed the lever. i know they don't give a damn about the tens of thousands he killed, but they might be ashamed to know their hero can't win at donkey kong.
Hey, after 9/11 he said that people should go out and shop, so he's doing his patriotic duty having Mello Yello (whatever that is)!
*applause and laughter*
Remember when he was in office? How many days did he spend on vacation at his "ranch" (you know...the one that had no livestock) clearing brush. The guy was a regular brush-clearin' fool. Now that he has all the time in the world, he hangs out at the mall? This pretty much proves that his drugstore cowboy bit was just that...a routine. He bought that compound just before he announced his candidacy for POTUS because he wanted to look like Ronald Reagan. Now he looks like my Uncle Walter...annoying people and generally making a nuisance of himself.
OMG, I'm so in love with you. This is the best thing that has happened to since....... not sure. Anyway, you're brillant and funny!

Over the top rated!!!!!
Oooops,

The missing word is me!
I can actually see him sitting there. Rated.
hehehehe. No wonder he's gotten so fat.

perhaps you could find out what Palin is doing since her "retirement"????

loved this post!
I read this to my husband and he said, "That does not sound like it is true."
Great way to satirize the President without getting mean.
This is very, very close to being absolutely believable.
Too funny! This made my day! Emailed the link to your story to a bunch of my friends so they could enjoy it, too! Rated.
Seamlessly written. Somehow I'm now at peace with the world, knowing that B43 has found his place in it. At last. And he can't call air strikes on it anymore.

Rated.
At least he's been more productive since leaving office.
Posted to Facebook.
Maybe he could get a job as a greeter at the Walmart?
You didn't give any information on if he's getting tips on how to sharpen his crayons for his memoirs! People want to know!
This is what Cheney's puppet does now that "his master's voice" has stayed on to bloviate in Washington.
I agree with nitejazz! Great stuff...
You don't have to be a Republican to find this piece labored, obvious, and just plain unfunny.
I guess I've been missed some stuff in my absense from OS.

Is GordonO our resident fake Republican troll?
Now this I enjoy! Great article!
Very funny, and a very innovative idea :)
I thought I read Bush got a part-time job at an "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt!" but got fired for giving Cheney free cones.

Despite what that conservative zombie GordonO says, this was funny to the max.
It's so sad when the great ones fall.
Oh! That Bush. Here I thought it was about woman not wearing under....oh... never mind!
Will we get an update later about the incident at Sunglass Hut when he wouldn't stop trying on a gazillion pairs of sunglasses? ;)

Too funny.
Like Roy Jimenez says, it is precisely credible.

If only the poor monkey had been given the job he really wanted, Commissioner of Baseball... If only. If only.
This is tremendous work. :-)
This is great, but it leaves me conflicted. Should I laugh, because it's so damn funny, or cry, because it's too close to the truth.