George Chesterton

George Chesterton
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AUGUST 12, 2009 8:09PM

Breaking News: Obama Signs Historic Healthcare Legislation

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President Obama made history Wednesday afternoon when he signed into law legislation that guarantees healthcare for all Americans. “A struggle that began nearly one hundred years ago ends today,” said the president in a Rose Garden ceremony. “There is no doubt this is one of America’s finest hours.”

The bill’s co-sponsors were Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts and, to the surprise of some, the actor Sean Penn. The Kennedy-Penn bill passed the Senate on a strict party line vote of 60-40.

The legislation calls for the immediate creation of a Healthcare Politburo, which will oversee the national healthcare system and meet in secret once a month inside a windowless concrete building shaped like Vladimir Lenin’s head. The legislation stipulates that members of the Healthcare Politburo must be either homosexual communists or Barbra Streisand. Members will be chosen by Mwai Obama, the president’s 23-year-old Muslim half-brother who deals drugs from the back of an abortion clinic in Nairobi.

Every year on Karl Marx’s birthday, Americans will be required to attend a fitness conference at the Healthcare Politburo’s headquarters in Caracas, Venezuela, where teams of rappers will curse white people and smoke crack while administering physical examinations. Afterwards, everyone will sit on the floor across from their government assigned doctor while atheists dressed as Nazis stand in between them issuing health decisions in Ebonics.

To reduce the financial burden on the American people, travel to and from Venezuela will be partially funded by a Cash For Fairytales program, whereby the federal government will give money in exchange for Holy Bibles, which will then be burned inside evangelical megachurches throughout the South. Afterwards, the ashes will be shipped to a factory outside of Moscow, where they will be mixed with the blood of Christians and then sent back and sold as refreshments at National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country. Several names have been floated as possible heads for the Cash For Fairytales program, including former DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe, fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi and the rapper Bow Wow.

Proponents say the bill’s execution provision will dramatically reduce the rising cost of healthcare. It mandates that the federal government create hundreds of Death Squads which will travel throughout the country in Soviet made tanks and execute anyone 65 year of age or older, unless they can produce a union card or a dildo. The Death Squads will be made up entirely of illegal Mexican immigrants and, because of a last minute provision added to the bill by Senator Barbara Boxer of California, will be required to wear black power t-shirts and backless leather chaps.

Republicans strategists are privately admitting that in the weeks leading up to the vote they were not aggressive enough in publicizing the more controversial aspects of the legislation. “Sure, we had people at the town halls” said one GOP strategist. “But they played it way too nice and didn’t even mention the immigrant death squads or those rapper physicals. And now we’re all paying the price.”

 

 

 

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Great news! --although missing from the news release is that Obama signed the legislation with Penn's pen!
You made it sound soooo easy.
Oh my God! I gotta send email this to everyone I know!
I notice you missed the section of the bill that requires every american to submit to a skin color scan. Those who have skin which is rated 'white' and 'sub-white' will be sent to re-education camps and also charged a melanin deficiency surtax.
This is hilarious! Too long for a Bill Maher monologue, but just as funny. Bravo.

Rated.
And the new Surgeon General will be Louis Farrakhan.

Highly Rated
I am truly relieved.......
Thank you, cheesuss! I was just making arrangements to leave this country and denounce my citizenship. Your post has convinced me to stay.
And it didn't even mention that we'll still be paying through the nose to the insurance companies who will administer all this.
I hope the illegal immigrant Mexican doctors will be performing the state-sanctioned abortions. Isn't there a provision to ensure handicapped children of state governors are prevented from being born?

Sounds like they rushed the bill through too fast. How could they miss such essentials? Isn't there a way to allowing for white women who have been impregnated by black men to be placed at the front of the socialist waiting list?
Barbara Boxer's additional requirement that the "backless chaps" may only be made in the USA from organically grown Texas cattle is just downright vindictive.
Fabulous KM! At least everyone is coming together on this one. For example, I feel it is important that one learns Ebonics while reaping the benefits, too, of getting their yearly physical. How can one not see the potential in this newly signed bill? (But I do agree 110% with G-S. They will have to add many amendments to this bill). I am actually a contributor to the Cash For Fairtytales program (not to pimp, but you TOO can contribute by sending in gently used Monopoly dollars...) I'm happy to see that the use of illegal Mexican immigrants in the Death Squads has once again reared it's brown head. As you may know, KM, the Mexicans were used in the very same capacity during the Nazi Regime (totally off the grid) however, "Brown Power" was their theme and not to mention the backless chaps hasn't changed-it wouldn't make sense to mess with the signature uniform. My great-grandfather, legend has it, was a member of this elite group, and pictures have recently surfaced in my family, making for uncomfortable conversation at family reunions. (Don't worry, we recover well the next day with a bowl of menudo and more tequila while singing "De Colores")
I'm off subject.
Kudos to you for shedding light on this newly, historical signed bill that will surely make Americans think twice about defecting to Canada...
Bravo! It's always refreshing to see things put in proper perspective.
Hilarious! This just kept getting better and better!

Doesn't the bill also require a mandatory sex change and/or gay marriage?
So here you are!
Quite good. Quite!
k.m. breay, the writer, the thinker, the alpaca farmer (not in that order) has nailed it once again. i tip my hat to you, sir.
All I can say is.... LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
Puleeze do not let this brilliant piece get near Fox News or Tushie Limbaugh. They will take it literally.
Grrrrrrreat Post!!! How can I apply to work in the Cash for Fairytales department? ??
If only! One can dream, right? The only thing to make that story more complete would be outlawing Fox Snooze.
rated
I wish the opponents could actually understand satire and have a sense of humor. Beliefs and passion without humor translates to terrorism.

I think some folks out there might read this and get all nervous and colicky and start throwing a social fit!!