Breaking News: Obama Signs Historic Healthcare Legislation
President Obama made history Wednesday afternoon when he signed into law legislation that guarantees healthcare for all Americans. “A struggle that began nearly one hundred years ago ends today,” said the president in a Rose Garden ceremony. “There is no doubt this is one of America’s finest hours.”
The bill’s co-sponsors were Senator Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts and, to the surprise of some, the actor Sean Penn. The Kennedy-Penn bill passed the Senate on a strict party line vote of 60-40.
The legislation calls for the immediate creation of a Healthcare Politburo, which will oversee the national healthcare system and meet in secret once a month inside a windowless concrete building shaped like Vladimir Lenin’s head. The legislation stipulates that members of the Healthcare Politburo must be either homosexual communists or Barbra Streisand. Members will be chosen by Mwai Obama, the president’s 23-year-old Muslim half-brother who deals drugs from the back of an abortion clinic in Nairobi.
Every year on Karl Marx’s birthday, Americans will be required to attend a fitness conference at the Healthcare Politburo’s headquarters in Caracas, Venezuela, where teams of rappers will curse white people and smoke crack while administering physical examinations. Afterwards, everyone will sit on the floor across from their government assigned doctor while atheists dressed as Nazis stand in between them issuing health decisions in Ebonics.
To reduce the financial burden on the American people, travel to and from Venezuela will be partially funded by a Cash For Fairytales program, whereby the federal government will give money in exchange for Holy Bibles, which will then be burned inside evangelical megachurches throughout the South. Afterwards, the ashes will be shipped to a factory outside of Moscow, where they will be mixed with the blood of Christians and then sent back and sold as refreshments at National Public Radio affiliates throughout the country. Several names have been floated as possible heads for the Cash For Fairytales program, including former DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe, fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi and the rapper Bow Wow.
Proponents say the bill’s execution provision will dramatically reduce the rising cost of healthcare. It mandates that the federal government create hundreds of Death Squads which will travel throughout the country in Soviet made tanks and execute anyone 65 year of age or older, unless they can produce a union card or a dildo. The Death Squads will be made up entirely of illegal Mexican immigrants and, because of a last minute provision added to the bill by Senator Barbara Boxer of California, will be required to wear black power t-shirts and backless leather chaps.
Republicans strategists are privately admitting that in the weeks leading up to the vote they were not aggressive enough in publicizing the more controversial aspects of the legislation. “Sure, we had people at the town halls” said one GOP strategist. “But they played it way too nice and didn’t even mention the immigrant death squads or those rapper physicals. And now we’re all paying the price.”