George Chesterton

George Chesterton
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AUGUST 27, 2009 10:19AM

Dennis Hastert Sex Tape Fails To Impress

Rate: 19 Flag

dennis-hastert

The release of a sex tape featuring former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert having intercourse with an unidentified woman in a Las Vegas hot tub has failed to achieve its intended aims. “It was a risk,” admitted an advisor close to Mr. Hastert. “But if Kennedy hadn’t died and these town halls hadn’t gotten out of control, everyone would be talking about Denny’s tape.”

When Mr. Hastert retired from the House of Representatives in November of 2007, he said his intention was to spend more time with his family and tend to his farm in southern Illinois. But friends say the former speaker quickly grew restless with farm life and longed to find a way back ‘into the arena.’ “Even though he was the longest serving speaker in American history nobody knows the name Denny Hastert,” said a former GOP fundraiser. “So after running through all the options Denny decided the best way to get his name out there was coming out with the sex tape.”

Mr. Hastert’s sex tape breaks from the traditional format in that it runs just under 13 and 1/2 hours and features an intermission where Mr. Hastert sits breathless on the side of the hot tub and talks to the camera about school vouchers, deficit reduction and his support for the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. After the 8-minute intermission a doctor checks Mr. Hastert’s blood pressure and adjusts his hearing aids before the 66 year-old former speaker returns to his lovemaking.

Political strategists say the former speaker made a mistake when, after only five minutes of sex, he climbs out of the hot tub, lies down on the cement and takes a 7-hour nap. “Nothing against Denny – he was a fine public servant – but he doesn’t have the kind of charisma that compels people to watch him sleep naked for that long,” said GOP political consultant Mary Matalin. “I would have advised an hour tops.”

Despite the fact that the former speaker’s tape was posted on Youtube and sent directly to over 200 media outlets, it has largely been ignored. “Traditionally these tapes take hold because they’re released anonymously and then denounced by the ‘star’,” said Washington Post media writer Howard Kurtz. “But Denny sent his tape out himself.” Media sources say the former speaker also tried to secure a number of print and television interviews. “He called me everyday for two weeks asking to get on The View,” said Barbara Walters. “I explained to him he’d have more success plugging the tape on another show because our viewers are overwhelmingly registered Democrats.”

Friends say Mr. Hastert has taken the rejection of his sex tape particularly hard. “He spends all day sitting on the porch swing out at his farm,” said an Illinois legislator and occasional advisor. “Replaying the tape in his mind over and over again, wondering where he went wrong."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I just threw up a little.
You're serious, right?
The real test of true art is in finding an educated audience (too late for Van Gogh but the world eventually appreciated Banksy and Damien Hirst). Perhaps if he hadn't chosen the Tantric sex... Bootleg, anyone?
Denny Hastert was the the longest serving speaker in American History? Hard to believe. They must have been pretty hard up, but then they always are.

As usual, hilarious. It hurts to laugh this early. I'm afraid the egss will come out my nose. Rated, of course.
At least I know how I'm spending my weekend.
Shame, another hour of sex, and he might have bit the dust, if you know what I mean!!
ROFL ... now that shit's funny :)
How do you manage to come up with one smart and funny bit after the next? You're nuts! My nuts...
For others, like me, hard pressed to recognize him...
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12054520/the_10_worst_congressmen
I thought this was about Dennis Haysbert.

My mistake.
Boy you ain't right in the head....
That mental image is as bad as Limbaugh's foreskin...
please try to confine your energies to current targets, boehner is in desperate need of your attentions. can you do anything with harry reid? or is he immune do to shapelessness?
Conjures up a vision of the other white whale, Moby Dick! Well done, sir. Rated.
Not too surprising of a reaction. You can only watch a horny bull sea lion flopping around the beach for just so long. Besides Hastert's ass isn't in the shape it used to be when he did runway swimsuit modeling.
I see an opportunity here for the folks who make Viagara...
I call bullshit. Reads like an Onion piece. Can you even upload a 13.5 hour tape to utube? I'll believe it when you post a link and it actually goes to a Hassert sex tape. Till then; Bullshit.
Damn! Those Republicans know how to have all the fun!