K.M. Breay

K.M. Breay
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www.kmbreay.com 美国作家。本名塞谬尔·朗赫恩·克莱门斯。

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萨缪尔克莱门斯
Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 28, 2009 11:09AM

Bill O'Reilly Rushed To Hospital

Rate: 35 Flag

Fox News Television Host Bill O’Reilly was rushed to New York Presbyterian Hospital Friday morning after he was found unconscious and lying on the floor of his office at Fox News Headquarters in Manhattan.

The 59-year-old father of two was found by an O’Reilly Factor segment producer who briefly administered CPR before calling 911. Paramedics arrived on the scene ten minutes later and rushed Mr. O’Reilly by ambulance to New York Presbyterian, where he was admitted shortly before 8am (EST).

A source inside the hospital has confirmed that Mr. O’Reilly is undergoing surgery to remove an enlarged ego. “A specialist has been flown in from Beverly Hills because our surgeons have never seen an ego this size,” said the source. “It sounds like a medical impossibility but the ego is actually larger than Mr. O’Reilly.” Another source said that, just prior to undergoing surgery, the popular television host regained consciousness long enough to ask a nurse to find the  “weapon of mass destruction” inside his pants and announce to his doctors that he was "handily beating that dickface Olbermann."

Enlarged egos often develop in highly successful people and, if left untreated, can result in self-destructive behavior that can ruin careers and families. Close friends of former congressman Mark Foley, for example, noticed some unusual behavior in August of 2003 and urged him to see an ego specialist, which he reportedly declined to do. One month later, Mr. Foley asked a 17-year-old congressional page if he’d “spanked it” over the weekend before telling the teenager, completely unprompted, that he had “totally stiff wood.” When the emails were made public in 2006, Mr. Foley resigned and moved back to Florida to sell condominiums.

Dr. Sam Feldman, Chief of Ego Surgery at UCLA Medical Center, suspects Mr. O’Reilly’s metastasized ego approached full size in 2004 when, according to transcripts from a sexual harassment suit, the popular television host phoned up an employee to praise his own appearance on The Tonight Show while masturbating himself with a noisy vibrator. “That kind of behavior is strongly suggestive of a dangerously large ego,” said Dr. Feldman.

CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta said Mr. O'Reilly's condition is grave. "If the ego is as large as reported the prognosis is not good," said Mr. Gupta. "Because after it's removed the Bill O'Reilly we've all come to know will essentially cease to exist." 

Fox News President Roger Ailes released the following statement, “Our thoughts and prayers are with Bill, his family and his ego.” 

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Thanks for the laugh. This is well-done (although I admit to some disappointment when I realized it was not an actual event!).
The Ego Transplant list is long. I'm fairly sure that Leona Helmsley's ego was preserved in a vat of grease at the Carnegie Deli. Her ego might fit O'Reilly.
WOW. I'm sorry to hear this news--an enlarged ego. Gosh, I wish him to get well soon--SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope he has good health insurance, bills for this sort of thing can pile up fast.
So, the rumor that he had suffocated from having his head so far up his ass aren't true?
Crushed by the weight of his own ego! I love it!
Sounds like they need an exorcist more than they need a surgeon.
Once again, marvelous. How do you churn this stuff out so fast? Not that you churn. But you're incredibly prolific. Kudos, bro.

Rated. Of course. You laugh, you rate.
Well at least he is fairing better that poor poor Teddy....but then again as Churchill said, "The graveyard is full of indispensable men."
Doesn't Brillo have TWO EGOS? One which is quite large, and another one in case anything should happen to the first?

After all, he IS an American - don't we have two of everything here??
Maybe he can borrow some of Rush Limbaughs drugs.
To quote Woody Allen on Howard Cosell (in the movie Sleeper), perhaps at least after his death his ego could be donated to science for study.
Loved it! When I first started reading I felt slightly guilty that I was happy that he may depart this planet. I don't wish him ill - I wish that he would shut up! Check out my blog

A Food Lover's Quest To Lose Weight
Seeming medical impossibility or no, O'Reilly's ego would have to be larger than he is, for he is such a very small man.
It's crazies like O'Reilly, who make crazy, outrageous, offensive, malevolent, excessive and hateful people like Steven L. Anderson possible. Job well done Billo.

"Pastor" Anderson's sermon: "Why I hate Barack Obama" | "Barack Obama should die... God is a god of wrath and vengeance..." | "A madman is in control of this country."
The latest I heard was that the surgeon was having difficulty with the ego-ectomy due to the overwhelming size of his own ego. As he resected O'Reilly's ego, he nicked some of own causing massive egorrhage.
Too funny - thanks for the laughs.
you know what they say. big ego, little...
This post reminds me of the superbowl ad from a sponser we will never remember. A man is rolled into the hospital face down on a gurney with a sterile tent over the whole affair. The operative phrase uttered by the emergency room staff - "This man has money coming out of the wazoo. "

Would excess ego exhibit similar symptomology?
I'm amazed his ego didn't burst fatally due to the extreme pressure on his brain.

Great Post! Rated.
This had me going. Egoectomy! Ha!
Hilarious!

Of course, you suckered me in with the title, you devil.

Rated.
My peals of laughter are the only balm for the sting of my deepest disappointment.

::gigglesnort!::
'Strongly suggestive' , well, you'll find no disssenting opinion here! Excellent stuff, rated for hilarity.
Hahahahaha... too funny!!! Great reporting!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if it's metastasized, there's no chance of a surgical cure. I'm sending flowers this morning.
Cogito, ego very large sum.

rated for funny. and apt.
Love ur post!! Maybe Bill can sell his ego to close the deficit gap in this country, "according to him its worth the price." Keep up the sense of humor - loving it.
I thought it was for rectal cranial inversion.
Maybe your next blog can be "Rush Limbaugh overdoses."