George Chesterton

George Chesterton
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NOVEMBER 21, 2011 7:22PM

Goldman Sachs Announces Candidacy For President

Rate: 14 Flag

Goldman Sachs Inc., the global investment bank and financial services firm, announced this morning that it is running for president of the United States. The announcement was made at a farm near Waterloo, Iowa by the musician Ted Nugent, who was hired to speak for the candidate. “We love oil and God and gasoline!" shouted Mr. Nugent, as he held aloft two semi-automatic machine guns and a sleeve of red, white and blue painted grenades. "And we hate them people who don't look American and drive those weird tiny cars and use big words!"  Mr. Nugent kept his remarks brief and did not mention the candidate, Goldman Sachs, by name. At the end of his speech, the outspoken musician fired off several rounds of live ammunition, screamed "Let's go eat a live bear!" and then charged into the woods with the frenzied crowd following behind.  

GOP consultant Mark McKinnon, who is not involved in the campaign but is familiar with its strategy, said the decision to hire Mr. Nugent  to speak for Goldman Sachs was based on thousands of focus groups and polls that were conducted over the last several months. "The focus groups loved Ted because he's seen as a guy who doesn't read books, and likes to shoot things," said Mr. McKinnon. "And they felt he was their best proof that evolution, an unpopular concept amongst Tea Party voters, is total bullshit." According to Mr. McKinnon, Goldman Sachs paid for its 1 billion dollars in market research  with profits made by betting against homeowner's capacity to pay back the sub-prime mortgages it sold  to them between 2004 - 2008. 

A source familiar with the campaign's thinking, who spoke on condition of strict anonymity, said the conglomerate will forgo donations altogether and instead finance the campaign with a portion of the 10 billion dollars in tax payer funded bailout money the investment bank received in 2009.   “The bailout funds will be converted into a new security they are calling ‘election default insurance arbitrage fixed income credit put straddles’ said the source. “Goldman has already hedged those bets with mortgage backed junk bond option default debit commodity exchange traded funds, which were sold to pension funds and small investors over the last several months.” The source said that Goldman has already made 25 billion dollars with these investments. 

Several public advocacy groups are already a considering a constitutional challenge to Goldman's candidacy, arguing that the financial behomeoth has -- for all practical purposes -- already been president for the last eight years and is therefore constitutionally barred from a third term. According to Mike Allen, chief White House correspondent for Politico, the investment bank is prepared for the legal challenge. "Last week they deployed all 12,498 of their lobbyists to capitol hill and have secured the votes for an historic piece of legislation," said Mr. Allen. "The new law will allow Goldman Sachs  -- and only Goldman Sachs -- to offer up to 100 million dollars each to all nine Supreme Court justices. " A spokesman for Speaker John Boehner refused to comment. 

Goldman Sachs is only the second corporation in American history to run for president. The first was former Massachusetts  governor Mitt Romney. 

 

 

 

 

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I didn't think I could laugh at the unbelievably miserable state of our government...delighted to be proven wrong!! R
Ha Great imagination and writing. !!!!
HA!!

Best piece of careful, scholarly-researched political commentary I've read in ... well, longer than by now I can remember.

Sorry this didn't show up as an EP sooner, but sure glad it did!! ?"Laffter is the best medicine"? Or is it ... "I could die laughing".....? Either way, thanks and BIG "rating"!
Why is this labeled as satire on the home page????
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!"
--upton sinclair

"One withstands the invasion of armies; one does not withstand the invasion of ideas."
--victor hugo


"We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can't have both."
supreme court justice louis brandeis


occupy party reaches critical mass/seismic effect--now what?
Very clever. I have been thinking of the corporate personhood issue a lot lately and was thinking that perhaps before they are allowed to apply for citizenship they should be required to serve in the military - starting at PFC wages. R
Exxon Mobil has been emperor for years.
a Christmas gift for my father, which one is better? http://www.newflybuy.com ...
there are a lot of products on sale. Which one is better for 48 years old mom? Handbag,glasses or biniki? Please help.
JP Morgan for Vice-President!
Rated Highly, Stumbled Upon, & Reddited
i thought they would be too busy running europe.
I'd be yucking it up more were it actually rednecks who had voted the current Goldman corporatocracy into power, as opposed to all you smug edumacated libtards.