Steve Jobs, the aggressive and demanding personal technology pioneer who died in early October, will be reincarnated as a PC. Afterlife Court spokesman Tom Breen, a former mortgage broker who is living his second life as a slip-n-slide, made the announcement via Twitter.

Mr. Jobs was convicted of ‘moral bankruptcy’, which carries a minimum sentence of 20 Years Non-Human Object but, with good behavior, is sometimes reduced to something Sub-Human, like a United States Congressman or Dick Fuld. Mr. Jobs’ defense team argued that reincarnating their client as a PC was cruel and unusual punishment and pleaded for something less harsh, like a cat tree or a sub pump; but the court rejected their appeal.

The prosecution presented evidence over several weeks and called to the stand a parade of witnesses who detailed Mr. Jobs’ malevolent behavior; which included habitually parking in handicapped spaces, berating waiters and waitresses, routinely telling his employees they were ‘shit’ and, despite being a billionaire several times over, giving nothing to charity. One witness, a former Apple engineer who died 3 years ago, testified that every time he passed him in the hallway, even though they'd never spoken to each other, Mr. Jobs would give him the finger. During his closing argument, lead attorney Leon Jaworski summed up the prosecution's case with a simple and convincing mantra: “If he’s a dick, you must convict.”

Mr. Jobs' defense team argued that their client’s contributions to society were monumental and introduced into evidence many popular Apple products; including the iPod and iPad. But Justice Louis Brandeis dismissed the devices as trendy and inconsequential gadgets that will soon be forgotten. He cited previous consumer products that were briefly hailed as towering achievements before becoming unpopular and useless; including pocket calculators, Pong, cassette tapes, Intellivision, instant cameras, Walkmans, pagers, MP3 Players, fax machines, CDs,  landline telephones and Frogger.

Mr. Jobs also requested that, should he exhibit good behavior as a  PC, he would then become eligible to appear as a PC in future “Mac versus PC” commercials and would be compensated for his appearances with Apple stock. Chief Justice Earl Warren speculated that Mr. Jobs was seeking to re-acquire Apple shares so he could eventually take back his company. The prosecution pointed out that if a PC acquired Apple it would be a violation of anti-trust laws; and the court agreed.

Mr. Jobs will begin life as a PC next week and has been assigned to the desk of Milwaukee resident Harold Bunderson, a life-long social worker who works with children abandoned by their fathers.