George Chesterton

George Chesterton
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DECEMBER 21, 2011 1:11PM

Gingrich Rushed To Hospital

Rate: 23 Flag

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has been hospitalized after collapsing this morning outside of a diner in Davenport, Iowa. The former speaker had just left a sparsely attended ‘meet and greet’ at Annie’s Coffee Shop when he was confronted by ABC news reporter Jake Tapper, who asked Mr. Gingrich to explain why so many of his former colleagues have said that he is too unstable to be president. Mr. Gingrich glared at Mr. Tapper for several seconds before cursing, stumbling backwards and then crashing through a nearby display window, reportedly filled with ladies clothing.  

Sources at Mencken General Hospital say that Mr. Gingrich, who has recently been the target of millions of dollars in negative ads, is being treated for a severely damaged ego. He is unconscious and currently in intensive care. One hospital source, who insisted on anonymity, said the Iowa facility is ill-equipped to properly treat the candidate. “Frankly, we’ve never seen an ego this large and fragile,” said the doctor. “We’re doing our best, but they will probably have to airlift him back to DC.”

Another source said that, for the time being, campaign aides and Callista Gingrich, the candidate’s wife, have been a constant presence at the former speaker’s bedside and are doing their best to help  treat Mr. Gingrich. “Callista has been whispering ‘you get sixty thousand dollars per speech’ into his ear over and over again,” said the source. "And there is a succession of aides who take turns holding up a copy of the Time magazine issue that named him Man of the Year.” (It has been reported that Mr. Gingrich always keeps several copies of the issue with him, much like a diabetic does with insulin).

Campaign aides were disappointed to find that the candidate’s iPod was crushed to pieces after Mr. Gingrich, who is said to weigh nearly three hundred pounds, fell through the clothing store display window. Mr. Gingrich’s iPod reportedly contains all of his political speeches, every single one of the lectures the former professor delivered at West Georgia College and recordings of all of his former mistresses whispering 'you are a genius'. “Whenever Newt’s not talking, which admittedly isn’t often, he’s listening to that iPod,” said one campaign source. “It would really help if we could pop that thing onto his head right now.

The Gingrich campaign has officially refused comment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You got me! Very funny, thanks.
You know, this almost isn't satire.
Touche! Very funny. Rated.
I seriously question that weight thing... Hell, his ego alone weighs the nearly three hundred pounds that you reference. Gr8 piece and rated
Annie's Coffee Shop serve Newt bagels.
He eat poppy seed and the stick on teeth.
He'll be okay? He will emerge unscathed.
Newt G. can rant he's as a cute dummy.
Mannequins speak like ventriloquist.
He buys dental floss from a beaver.
He'll i-pod and show buck teeth.
He sit on Santa's lap and poop.
Poop? Pee? Poor St. Nick.
N. Gingrich stink up store.
Newt G. show black teeth.

He speak dummy lisp.
America do need help.
Newt buy breath mint.
E. Holder`yell pee you!

It's not satire? Darn it.
I thought Newt be okay.
You mean he's still ill?
Good one. Although I'm pretty sure I heard him say he had grown out of his ego. Or, maybe it was his suits.
Heh, heh. You had me going there for a moment.

Lezlie
helium and play-doh can't help him.
you're a genius, she whispered :-)
For 60K, the man needs to stay on his feet!
I once had some spleen enhancements done at Mencken General. /r/
Brilliant and hilarious as usual. The thing that makes these pieces work so well is your fluency with the rhythm and cadence of pundit-speak and mainstream media news reportage. That mimicry keeps the 'straight face' low key delivery on target and makes the absurdities you describe seem perfectly ordinary. Which I suppose they are. That's the secret joke at the heart of your parodies: you're not really exaggerating anything.
You got me too! I'm looking in the papers for the Newt crash. We Iowans are notorious for our lack of Texas-sized egos...to a fault. Humility never won a campaign, though.
The slaves whispering in Caesar's ear, telling him that glory is forever? hehe
I second divorcedpauline. Perfectly dangerously close.
Brilliant and, sadly, almost plausible.
Good observation, KM. The biggest fear of him maintaining momentum is not from the Dems -- but the center - right -- or is it the righteous religious far enough right?, the creatures who anointed Perry, however prematurely -- and the power brokers who have the big money to roll out. His ego is not a problem as much as an opportunity to implode.
Let's call it the secret weapon, the one and only Newtron bomb: if it does not blow a key decision, then ethics violations would be creeping out all over again. He is smart -- but smugly so, not with the grit and intestinal fortitude that we would really like in our leaders, one who would find a way out of a financial disaster or making essential diplomatic policy that make us all safer. Not in his mettle at all. He is only taking TV time away from those with reality grounded ideas. Kind of sad, actually.
another brilliant satire!
i could tell you were funnin' cuz speaker gingrich is a great man who has held high office already and soon will be president. the people of america can't be fooled and so they will support 'newt,' as we fondly call him, knowing him to be the only candidate of both parties not tainted by stupidity, cupidity or lax moral standards, the great man has married most of his mistresses, for heaven's sake, can't say better than that!