One of the things that I have not been able to grasp in my ten years of gay-dom is the startling, and certainly disturbing, number of things that adult gay men have in common with teenage girls.  Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, 90210, High School Musical, American Idol, raising voices and waving arms when excited, use of the phrase “Oh My God” and melodramatic movies starring unrealistically stylized leading men/boys who behave like perfect third-sexed robots – meaning they do things that no human heterosexual or homosexual males actually do.   Case in point: Twilight.

I watched “Twilight” with 3 of my gay male friends in their 40s last night.  Our hosts were jump up and down, scream OMG giddy about this movie.  They had pre-ordered it on Netflix.  They had made a homemade but portable dinner that could be eaten in front of the television – lest a delayed start time inflict needless anxiety.  When we missed the first line of the movie because the volume was too low, we rewound and started again.  Just in case.

As almost ever gay man and teenage girl already know, the two central characters are Edward the vampire (played by impossibly bedroom-eyed Robert Pattinson) and Bella something or other (played by perpetually cranky Kristen Stewart).  She’s new to town; he’s the enigmatic heartthrob that nobody can reach blah diddy blah.  Until Bella comes walking in.  He stares, he broods, he nearly throws up with desire when he sees her, he saves her from a runaway car, he broods some more and stares then broods again.  She “whatevers” and sulks and “yeah rights” and scoffs and ignores her nice, perky friends who all fall in love with her while she blows them off to chase the broody one who tells her to leave him alone while following her and saving her from big meanies and…well, you get the idea.

So, the takeaway is this.  All straight teenage boys listen to me.  Don’t be fun, thoughtful, quirky or smart if you want to get the girl.  Be a dick.  But be a dick who can stop cars with your bare hands.  And stare a lot.  And look depressed.  But be good looking while you’re depressed.  And express your desire to be with the girl of your dreams but be vague about why you can’t be with her.  And then avoid her until you can’t.  Confuse her, make her crazy, change your moods by the hour and make sure your hair looks like Johnny Depp in the mid-90s.  But then submit to her will because she’s just so intoxicating that you can’t help yourself – except when it comes to controlling every desire you have that could hurt her.  And then spend the rest of your life lurking outside of her bedroom window just in case she needs you.  Because it turns out that’s what teenage girls want.  As do 40-something gay men, apparently.