Just in case anyone is actually reading this...

Kristi Myers

Kristi Myers
State College, Pennsylvania, USA
January 03
Freelance Commercial Writer and Consultant
Hieroglyph Communications
I am a "thirtysomething" Mom and freelance writer raising the most incredible 9 year-old on the planet. Work (when I could get it) is writing technical manuals, marketing materials and grant requests for clients ranging from small nonprofit agencies to large national corporations. I just finished my Master of Arts in Education, an accomplishment that qualifies me for not much of anything in this economy. I love working with children and spend my days supporting kids with disabilities. I lie about my age. I just want to be happy. And to win the lottery.


JANUARY 4, 2009 3:23PM

Today I became an "old person"

Rate: 4 Flag

Well, it was yesterday, to be exact.  I was having dinner at Damon's, playing that nifty trivia game, when it happened.  We were there to celebrate my cousin Zach's 21st birthday before he headed back to college.  Between rounds 2 and 3, the guy with the microphone announced "Today we wish a Happy Birthday to Kristi Myers, who is 37 years old."  Totally ruined my game.  I came in fifth.

 There it was.  My younger cousins at the next table snickered, clearly enjoying my embarassment.  It was then that I realized I had officially crossed over to the dark side.

What had happened?  Just  last year, my cousins, aged 15 to 25, laughed with me, sharing jokes and stories and talking music and fashion and boys.  They came to  to me for advice, and sometimes dropped by for dinner or the occasional "sleepover" with me and my little girl.  With one sentence over the PA system, that had ended.

 Now, I wasn't totally in denial or anything.  Short of lying about my age on MySpace, I was well aware of my increasing age.  My colorist was skilled at both lying to me about my gray hair and hiding it for me. And I was happy to pay her well for the service.  I knew I was getting older, but for some reason "37" really got to me.  Perhaps it was the way my hormones suddenly went all wonky, or how my once lightning-fast metabolism suddenly slowed to a crawl.  Whatever it was, it really did me in.  Thirty-seven has turned out to be worse than 30.

It was only a few months ago that I first noticed actual lines around my eyes and mouth.  And all those fancy creams?  They do NOT erase wrinkles.  That is a lie concocted to seduce women out of their money.  I know, because I have tried all the creams, gels and masks  one can get at Sephora, and the lines remain.

There is an irony here, of course.  I would much rather be 37, with all my knowledge and experience, than to be a clueless kid of 25 again.  For me, 2009 presents an opportunity to grow my consulting business, work on my writing, and  be a better Mom to my wonderful 6 year-old.

In conclusion:  getting old sucks for sure.  It is even worse when you are as vain as I am.  But becoming wiser really rocks.  But It's a damn shame I can't be wiser without the crow's feet and gray hair.

 At least, that's what I told myself when I went to bed last night.  But this morning, I found a WHITE HAIR sticking out of my head, bold as you please.   Now that can't be good.

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Funny, true, but: you're ONLY 37. rated
Wait til you find white hairs elsewhere. Then we'll talk!
Mom, if you're going to give me a hard time, you could at least RATE me.
Oh to be 37.

But having outlived my mother, who died when I was a young girl, I find myself grateful for every year.

And Sandra no longer Miller (congrats on that, by the way, and I'm a fan of your writing)...I have one word for you: Brazilian.

(Actually, I'm kidding. Having suffered through that experience once, I would have to say no longer being interested in one is definitely a perk of middle age. Which is not to say that I could not be talked into it again, mind you, but it would have to be, say, Neil Gaiman...)
Think of it this way: I called my 30's the Power Decade. Young, strong, filled with the power of body strength and endless possibilities, plus having the creds to take advantage of it all.

Happy Birthday from The Other Side.
OMG, I didn't look closely, I was BORN in York!
Your colorist lied? Ohmigod, he's like George W. Bush! Colorists lied, people dyed! You should impeach your colorist and replace him or her with a black messiah. Then everything will be better! I'd post about the problems I've been having with my butler, but this blog is pretentious enough as it is. Say hi to your life coach for me!

---Dave O'Connelly Furtado
FYI... "Dave O'Connelly Furtado" is the person who is supposed to be my brother, although he clearly missed the memo about family sticking together. He is a jerk who appears to take great pleasure in antagonizing people and pushing their buttons until they snap, just so he can taunt them for being emotional. Please disregard his comments, as they have no merit and are intended to humiliate me.

I guess those who can, write. And those who CAN'T...well, they post nasty comments on others' blogs.
That's an odd thing to say, Kristi, considering I actually do write for a living. I'm a double-threat: I can write AND I can post nasty comments on other people's blogs! Actually, just your blog. I come for the menopausal Damon's Grill anecdotes and stay for the nasty-comment posting.

To be fair, that observation about cream was spot-on. Those sexist creams really do have it in for the ladies. Aveeno Positively Radiant is a rapist..of women's bank accounts! We've got to take back the Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle Night Formula and free women everywhere from the tyranny of Guantanamo Olay! Nice job on exposing our patriarchal creamspiracy. I just hope there doesn't come a day when balding men have to worry about such scams.

-Dave Hussein Obamaconnell
I remember thinking when I got divorced in my late thirties that it was all over for me. But in the wise words of Grandpa Art: "Shit, you ain't even got your tail feathers yet." Thirty seven isn't even middle age.
Thanks for the comments, emma, sandra, Robin, Sally and idahospud.

Yes, I know 37 is not old, but it is the oldest I have ever been. It's all relative, you know?

This age has brought with it some real roller-coaster emotions. I was telling my wonderful mother-in-law that I am just getting low enough to think that I need ask my family doctor for some help. I told her I was perplexed by seemingly sudden change in my emotions, and I asked her why it was happening now. She is very wise, and she said this:

"Kristi, you have never been THIS age before. This is all new."

I think she summed it up pretty well. But then again, 37 x 2 equals 74, so that puts me pretty close to middle age, doesn't it?

Now that I think about it, I was pretty freaked out over 27 and its proximity to 30. Maybe this is the same thing.

Sally, what a nice coincidence that we are from the same town!
You become old as soon as you utter the words, "Here, just sit and watch Spongebob."