kryptogal

kryptogal
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Utah, USA
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December 31
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I'm a lawyer with a background in the social sciences. I enjoy reading, thinking about, and pontificating on family and gender relations, evolutionary biology, psychology, culture, and philosophy. I'm currently working on a research project related to parenthood and how people make the decision about whether or not to have kids.

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APRIL 7, 2009 5:35PM

Facebook and Old Flames

Rate: 27 Flag

                             facebook old flame 1 

 I wonder how many old flames have been reignited because of Facebook.  I wonder how many affairs are going on right now that began with a friend request.  Quite a few, I would bet.

I signed up for Facebook less than six months ago.  I love it.  I live thousands of miles away from where I grew up and went to college, and I’ve gotten back in touch with many old friends.  It’s a fantastic tool.

I’ve also become “friends” with more than one ex-boyfriend.  With most of them, we say hi, give a quick status update, check out each other’s photos, and that’s that.  But a few have made definite romantic overtures.  They’ve sent questionable emails, and flirted, and told me I look great.  The problem is that at least two of these guys are married.

I think this is pretty common.  I would guess that it’s happened to most people on Facebook – at least, most of those of us who are old enough to have lost track of old lovers.

Would it happen without Facebook? Probably not. Until I signed up for Facebook, this didn’t happen to me. And for all we like to wail about the loss of privacy on the internet, most of us aren’t actually googleable.  I’ve googled lots of old friends and acquaintances and had zero relevant hits turn up.  And even when google does turn up with something and you find an old flame, you have no valid reason for contacting an ex-lover out of the blue.  To send an out-of-the-blue email to a long-lost lover, you must be either very curious or very brave.

 But this all changes with Facebook.  Suddenly, we can find old flames in an instant, and there’s a perfectly good reason to contact them – we’re friending all our high school buddies, why not them too?  Friending is so casual. It doesn’t violate any etiquette.  It’s all too easy.

 I haven’t been tempted to engage in online flirtation with these guys, but that’s because I’m not what I call an IVP:  an Intrigue-Vulnerable Person. But IVPs are common.  My workplace is crawling with them.  And a few years ago, I was one. Here’s what makes for an IVP:

 ·        Boredom with your relationship and/or homelife

·        Stress related to your relationship and/or homelife

·        Loneliness and/or a feeling of being undesirable or taken for granted by your mate

·        Unrequited love for someone from your youth (this one is the most dangerous)

 If you’re an IVP, and you get a flirtatious email from an old flame, a little spark goes off in your chest.  A tingle.  It puts a smile on your face.  So you start corresponding, perhaps innocently at first, and now you have a fun little secret.  You start reliving old memories.  Online, you’re both at your charming best.  You carefully compose your emails and you choose your words to be witty, self-deprecating, and fascinating.  You anxiously await a reply in your inbox.  Your instant messages are effervescent.

 Not only do you put your best self forward online, but your old flame sees you that way too. They remember you when you were young.  They still think of you as young. They don’t see you as middle-aged, they see you as a vibrant 19 year old in a grown-up body.  It makes you feel young.  It makes you feel sparkling and interesting and desirable.  It’s intoxicating.

 Some of these emotional affairs will never leave the bounds of the internet.  But some will turn physical, and some will break up marriages.  I posit that this phenomenon will grow by leaps and bounds because of Facebook.

 I am not blaming Facebook, nor excusing adulterers.  We are all responsible for our own behavior.  But in my assessment, most people are vulnerable to affairs and one point or another.  The reason they don’t happen more often is not because most people have wonderful self-control but because opportunities are either non-existent or come at too high a cost. 

 But Facebook significantly decreases those costs.  It allows people to fool themselves. It starts so innocently.  It provides both the means and the motive for contacting an old flame.  Hell, you can chat with your ex-lover on your laptop while your spouse is in the same room!  But an “innocent” exchange can turn into attraction and emotional attachment very, very easily.  The allure of the old flame – of the person who knew you when you were young – should not be underestimated.  It can be very powerful.

 So while I believe in personal responsibility, I also have sympathy for those who struggle to resist something so powerful.  Technology dangles an exponentially-increasing number of temptations in front of our noses: 5,000 years ago, we didn’t have to struggle to avoid that last piece of pizza, or that unnecessary credit card purchase, or surfing on our boss’s dime, or having an online affair – those things simply didn’t exist.  Today, we must all exercise constant vigilance against incessant social and technological influences that do not have our best interests in mind.  So I’m not quick to judge.  But I do worry.

 Am I making something out of nothing here?  Should we all just trust ourselves and our partners to use proper self-restraint, and go on our merry ways?  I’m admittedly a cynic, but I work around middle-aged family guys, and judging from the boredom and dissatisfaction most them express with their lives, I doubt they could be trusted to maintain appropriate boundaries if they were contacted by a flirtatious ex.  (Note: the same could be said about women, I just happen to work with mostly guys).  What do you think?

 

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i agree. there's mad opportunity for intrigue. rated.
Excellent post. You bring up a valid point. It seems like Facebook opens a door to previous relationships that previously would've remained closed. The first time a boyfriend contacted me on Facebook, I completely freaked out. Now it seems like everyone just friends everyone, regardless of prior relationships. The ease of friending causes us to let our guard down. I can see how some people would be caught up in wanting to recapture that part of themselves from their youth.
Kryptogal, interesting post you have about the Facebook/old flame topic. Two friends that I used to date are also my friends on Facebook, but there's no secret affair or funny business going on.
Every time there's a new technological/communication breakthrough, we turn into kids in a candy store. It somehow becomes a loophole to the principles we hold.

You stated, "Some of these emotional affairs will never leave the bounds of the internet." Call me old fashioned, but it makes no difference whether it leaves the Internet. Committed couples have taken vows to draw definite boundaries. Why should the Internet be any different?

We act like we now have to rewrite our moral code...no we don't. It hasn't changed. There's just too many of us who want to find any excuse to say, "I didn't know." They know.

Great subject. Thanks. Rated.
oh absolutely. A friend of mine nearly broke up her 15 year marriage last winter over a re-ignited (via Facebook) old high school boyfriend. It was a bad, bad scene there for a few months, and it started with a so-called innocent friend request as well.

(shakes head sadly)
"Call me old fashioned, but it makes no difference whether it leaves the Internet. " I fully agree. If someone is engaging in an online relationship that requires lying to their partner, there's probably a reason for that.

I just can't help but think this is going to become a common problem. I've gone years with no contact from ex-boyfriends, and all of sudden, half of them are back in my life (well, on facebook anyway). This doesn't currently pose a problem (I'm so happy with my current relationship it would make you sick), but I know a lot of people out there who are looking for an escape. Facebook offers a seductive hatch.
Excellent post.

These days when people are pulling back on going out; trying to save a buck here and there...more and more are spending time online.

I have noticed something, during the springtime the activity on such social sites increases dramatically. Maybe it is the impatience with winter leaving, but the amount of unsolicited romantic interest emails and friend requests goes up dramatically. Where I would get none for months, all of a sudden come April men crawl out of the woodworks. Maybe women too, I can only go by what I have experienced.

If one is going to cheat the opportunities are there. Be vigilante in your relationships with your mate...be as attentive to them as you would want them to be with you. Nip it in the bud.

Rated.
Call me misguided, but I think a distinction should be made between "old flames" and "ex-lovers". To me, an "old flame" is someone whom you might have had a brief fling or affair with, but nothing ever really came of that relationship and you left on good terms. An "ex-lover", obviously, carries with it a ton of baggage, and that baggage isn't worth reliving, especially on Facebook.

I know of at least 6 ex-girlfriends of mine on Facebook, whom are friends of friends. They won't be friends of mine.
"The reason they don’t happen more often is not because most people have wonderful self-control but because opportunities are either non-existent or come at too high a cost."

Easily the most accurate observation in the entire essay and it's very unsettling for most people.
As I think I recall reading in a Mary Kelly post somewhere, "A third party cannot break up a happy marriage." It does, however, suggest a need for greater vigilence within the marriage based on the easier temptation or access.
@ Gus - I always thought "old flame" meant a person you used to have a passionate relationship with, and the flame of that passionate never fully 100% died.

@ incandescent - Interesting take. I have deep sympathy for people trapped in boring/stressful/miserable relationships. I am divorced, so I know what it's like. If I had been on Facebook during the last year of my marriage, I doubt I would have resisted answering an ex's "cry for help." So I get it. But I also think that trying to fix your relationship by escaping into intrigue is very unlikely to be helpful. Most of the time, it just makes things much, much worse.

Like Buffy said, we should all strive to be vigilant and attentive -- it is very difficult not to take long-term romantic partners for granted. And there is not much that feels worse than being taken for granted. When people get taken for granted for too long, they tend to jump at any little scrap of attention they get.
The main reason some relationships end up on the rocks is that one of the people has been taken for granite.
Yup, I just friended the first guy I ever kissed. One hour later I got a long email about how happy he is that I found him again, and that if I'm ever in town we should "hang out". It turns out we both chose the same career and had a long chat about the ins and outs of the music industry. Then he started posting cute comments on my pictures. I'd love to meet up with him to reminisce, but he's engaged. Not going to touch that with a 10 foot pole!
I would disagree that most people are marriage-compromising moral weaklings merely lacking opportunity to act on such tendency. I would, however, agree that Facebook changes the landscape significantly.

Also, I do not think that Facebook decreases the costs of an extramarital affair. Regardless of "sales channel", the costs of a materially-compromised marriage tend roughly to be the same: Significant emotional pain for the couple (and their children, should they have any), loss of assets, and in general a marked disturbance of everyday life. Instead (sticking with the consumer-transaction model), Facebook significantly decreases "barriers to entry" (double entendre acknowledged, but not intended) by making it easier to create situations that could catalyze an extramarital affair.

One of my wife's high school friends (now one of my business associates, thanks to my having married well) recently mentioned that at least two of his high school friends have had their marriages compromised by Facebook-catalyzed affairs. So the threat is real, based on what I have heard.

Facebook is not personally an issue, as I have the sort of nasty career habits that make Google hits easy, and what few "old flames" are in my history are more on the order of hyper-combustive disasters that sensible people acknowledge as best left alone.

Personally, I suppose the greatest threat could be the fact that my away-from-home apartment (I am bi-coastal as part of my "day-job" demands) is in NYC's West Village. Apparently, an unaccompanied middle-aged man, even with a wedding band in clear evidence, is evidently of interest to straight women who find themselves in the neighborhood. Of course, I can see the wedding ring as well, and remember that it actually means something, so the threat is not material.
"The reason they don’t happen more often is not because most people have wonderful self-control but because opportunities are either non-existent or come at too high a cost." great observation and something I have said myself (more or less but not nearly as concise as you have articulated here - I'll have to remember your wording!)

You have basically summarized the reasons that I have decided not to jump on the FB bandwagon. I don't want the complications of previous folks contacting me when I am in a lovely, strong marriage. It is too precious to let anyone near it with a 10-ft pole. So, I highjack on my hubby's FB instead. We have co-pictures and common friends, some mine, some his, but we share it. He recently deleted a woman who sent a flirty email, even with my obvious sharing of his account! That takes nerve... great post.
The ring on the computer reminds me:`
Thee morning after the wedding vows:`
~
I took your ring off last night. Why? huh.
Thee ring pinches me. It's way too heavy.
I shedding a ring because it pains me so.
~
I'd not go on facebook 'fling' seeking either.
I met a divorce and funeral lawyer. She say:`
Computer tryst are her # one income source.
~
I agree with the ten foot pole idea? Use a pinkie?
Touch with a pinky? Yea. Shake hands? Troubles.
To shake hands with a little pinky leads to spanks.

Hanky Pinky.
OY! Be careful.
Shake toes? O, oho.
No merry anybody?
Sometimes Ya can.
I'd just be a Friend.
Then Ya can go kiss.
Ya fun to think with.
I think this definitely happens, perhaps not a lot, but enough to beware of the possibilities. If nothing else, it provides an opportunity to have an easy emotional affair, as opposed to a physical one.
Not through Facebook but through Google, I got in touch with an ex-boyfriend I had not spoken to for 15 years. I didn't intend to start up a flirtation. Our relationship had felt like a good marriage; it was the standard to which I held up my (by then unhappy) marriage.

I wanted to speak to the one person who could give me perspective on what was missing from my marriage. I couldn't have been more surprised that he had never married or had children.

He came to visit for two days and within 24 hrs we were trying to figure out how to be together forever. 2 days after he left town I asked for a divorce. On the 3rd visit after that, he proposed to me. I accepted. We had a house under contract when he proposed.

We are still on cloud 9 every time we are together. I'm sure everyone thought he was a crutch to get out of my marriage, but 15 years later it still feels like a good marriage...even more so.

Thank God for Google and email.

My old boyfriend that I Facebook Friended...it's nice to just feel good about him and be finally over the hurt that I carried for years over how it ended. The guy I dated once who emailed me out of the blue...I'm flattered he appears to still carry a torch and enjoying learning about his life since high school. But, the man that I have always loved...finding him again was like Sleeping Beauty getting kissed back to life.
I forgot to write that now we have been together for over a year and a half.
Interesting. My x recently contacted me after about 21 years and is now on FB after telling me about how his wife has "found Jesus" and that is causing issues. I'm divorced, happily single and really not interested in him. I don't do married men and as my marriage ended due to my husband cheating on me, I know the pain that this kind of betrayal can inflict. He is coming out this weekend, to ski with some of his friends, but he wants to see me as well. I am quite sure his wife has no idea.
Kevin, Geoff, Deferred, and Y Heron have all touched on an important question – can a third party interfere with an otherwise happy relationship?

There are two basic schools of thought:

1. If a relationship is happy, healthy, and satisfying, with good communication, a third person can not cause infidelity. Infidelity stems from problems in the relationship, not outside influences.

2. Infidelity is a natural tendency and does not necessarily stem from problems in a relationship. Given a very attractive offer with little chance of being caught, many people will cheat, even in a happy relationship. A highly desirable person can absolutely interfere with a happy relationship. So those who intend to maintain a monogamous relationship must be vigilant and work to prevent these scenarios from happening.

In the US, philosophy # 1 is much more popular. I happen not to believe it. I think it is emotionally satisfying and provides people will an illusion of control over their lives, but I don’t think it actually describes reality. It just doesn’t accord with my experience and observations. Clearly it is much easier to get wrapped up in an affair if you’re unhappy with your primary relationship. But a happy relationship isn’t affair-proof.
I'm sure you are onto something here. But Facebook might not be the main tool. With all the online dating services, including swapping, prostitution, and cheating sites, Facebook is likely the least used for cheating. But it surely happens. Good Post! Rated
Well, after spending a number of years in therapy and indulging in a variety of body work to understand why I was unhappy in marriage and trying to fix what as wrong, the way my marriage ended was a total shock to me. I never thought I would ever do something like what I did.

I once bought into all the Redbook magazine cliches about temptation and working at one's marriage. I fought off temptation a bunch of times and never once slipped until those last couple of days (and even then we kept it pretty clean).

Now all I know is real love isn't work, it's a pleasure. As to why one person makes me happy and another doesn't, I've stopped pretending to know.
I wrote in an earlier post about the problems that social sites are creating in marriages. Actually, let me restate that. The social sites don't cause them, it's what people are doing within the social sites that are causing problems. There were several people who were dismissive of my concerns. In my practice, this issue between couples of people being contacted by ex-lovers and people adding them as friends is creating problems of mistrust. The internet is here to stay, social sites are here to stay. It's a new area that couples must deal with should these situations arise. People need to be completely honest with themselves as to why they seek out ex-flames or why they accept them as friends. For many, it is harmless, for many it is not. You are not making something out of nothing. I've worked with couples in pain over these issues. It's real. Excellent post.
Krypto--your assessment of human behavior is correct. Though we'd like to believe that no one strays in a happy relationship, that's bullsh$t. Anyone who's been to a professional conference knows better, if not from personal experience, then from observation.

Facebook accomplishes in this respect what the internet accomplishes generally--it provides a level of detachment and anonymity that allows one to act in a way one wouldn't if face-to-face. Hence flaming emails/posts. Hence cyber-nookie, as well--the old flame who was scared sh%tless to call you uses his e-courage to send you a email, or make contact through facebook/myspace/google.
Exactly right MaryT. I had a client whom I had to call from my cell on the way to court once. She texted me a couple of times, and my wife saw. Nothing going on, nothing untoward in the txts, nothing contemplated, at least on my end, but the perception . . .
@ The Buzz - Your story is fascinating and also illustrates - palpably - how powerful the flame of young love can be. Like you, many people had wonderful, intense relationships in youth that ended solely because they were too young -- NOT because we weren't right for each other. I can imagine that reuniting later in life would be electric.
I've been in touch with a ton of my HS classmates. I can't think of anyone I'd be interested in hooking up with. Even if I found one of my OFs, which I haven't, no relationship I ever had, even the best and wildest (and man, there were some GOOD times!) could compete with my wife. I guess it falls into the category of "not worth the price." As far as my wife goes, my only concern would be the same as any sort of relationship with a man: I don't care what you do or discuss, as long as a. you don't need to do it in private; b. it isn't complaining about my shortcomings. I see Facebook as just an accelerated form of communication; if you were going to cheat, you'd definitely find a way to make it happen anyway. A former friend of mine started chatting with an OF pre-Facebook, and he left his wife and kids and moved to another state. When he got there, the woman practically put a restraining order on him! He wrecked four lives in one shot and didn't even get what he was looking for. Guess why he's a former friend.
I have two basic thoughts here.

First people will do what they will do. Facebook will only span the distance that our modern life has created.

In days past people still did what they did, but we didn't travel like we do now. Times were that you may have never left the county you were born in much less the state you were born in. So what you would have done with your neighbor, you can now do across the country with FB.

I have contacted some of the people that I have wondered what happened to them. Not wanting anything more than to start conversations and catch up. I have to say, some have just been very rude about it like I'm going to come and kill their husband and kidnap them or something. An old friend can't say hi, how has your life been?

I know that I've gotten busy with life, kids and jobs to no put the effort into maintaining contacts like I should. I also have to admit to being guilty of saying I'll do it tomorrow.

However, there has been a change to tomorrow. My friends are starting to die, and we are in our early 50's. So before you die, or I die, I would like to know that you're okay. Is that so wrong?
I am not on Facebook, but I am on friendsreunited, the UK site where you can list your schools and colleges and find your former classmates. I've found a bunch of old friends there, but never anyone with whom I was romantically involved (I'll qualify that statement below). However according to the UK press that site (it's got millions of subscribers) has caused a lot of divorces due to people hooking up with the old flame.

Qualification: One girl got in touch to say we had been classmates in HS. I wrote back confessing I couldn't put a name to the face. Her response was somewhat huffy. I then remembered one party where something may have happened between us, which I guess would explain why she was pissed I didn't remember her.
I think you are dead on right.
@ marytkelly "People need to be completely honest with themselves as to why they seek out ex-flames or why they accept them as friends." Yup. FB makes it very easy to rationalize behavior that in other contexts, we would know is wrong.
I think you're right. It's been happening for a long time. It's just that each new advance in technology makes it a lot easier to tempt and be tempted.
I think why I pulled this off whereas I suspect for other people these "friendships" are just a tease is that there was no deception. Within a week of contacting my ex-boyfriend my (now ex) husband knew I was in touch with my ex-boyfriend/now fiance. I never suggested that my old boyfriend visit; my (now ex) husband extended the invitation (really!) to him.

During the initial visit we kept things pretty aboveboard...mostly hands off. I won't lie and say nothing happened, but a lot more could have. And then when we realized my feelings, I immediately asked for a divorce. We didn't have an affair. I left my marriage solely based on the strength of the relationship we had when we were young.

In addition, with my now fiance, we had never had a fight back in the day. We broke up because we had dated for a very short period of time at college, then I moved to another state. The majority of the time we dated long distance. The feelings back then weren't strong enough for one of us to move to make the relationship happen. There were no old fights to rehash; he never violated my trust nor me his.

The strange element to it was that as nice as it was when we were young, what we have now is a thousand times more intense and magical.

So, yes, it was a case that the only reason we broke up was that we were young. But, additionally, we somehow were more in love when we got older.
Reading this made me feel like I'd been caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar today. Earlier this winter I wrote a very personal story about sexual awakening, and ever since thoughts of "him" have niggled in the mind like a loose tooth.

This very afternoon I found him on Plaxo, and Linked In, and Facebook! I haven't been able to figure out if he's married or not but I did send a message via his Plaxo page.

I just couldn't help it. I want to know. If he answers me I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll do, I just hope he does.
Well there it is! The unintended consequence of putting yourself out there where everyone and their brother can misuse you, waste your time, and otherwise exploit the situation. If you all want high school yearboooks for everyone to sign, why not buy one. You only get one "privacy" and once you waste that, you don't get anymore.
What about the underlying questions of why is the urge to "cheat" so strong? and is it so wrong? and what are the pros and cons of fidelity and infidelity?

The biological imperative to mate and keep the mate for the rearing of offspring makes biological sense. But what about when the offspring no longer really need support? What about when the mates have changed and grown differently and have different needs and different attractions to different people and ideas than the ones that first bonded them long ago? What if the mates were able to maintain loving ties and bonds as parents of their offspring but could also explore and develop with others? What if their marriage prevented these important personal needs to be met to the detriment of the mental health of one or both of the pair? What if the marriage was more of a stifling requirement by society than a still chosen and preferred pairing? What if the marriage became more of a method of ensuring security, dependency, or ownership of each other rather than a loving, letting-go of the other person to develop other relationships of whatever nature they were to become?
I think your observations are right on the mark, including your observations in the comments section disputing that cheating cannot occur in a healthy relationship.

One can be in a healthy relationship (and yes, that is a very subjective term), but still perhaps a) have areas of emotional vulnerability, b) not be fully emotionally mature, or not at all times , or c) really like what it feels like to have one's ego stroked (ahem) and for someone other than your partner to find you attractive. Of course, those are just some of the things that can potentially compromise a healthy relationship. And yes, who isn't prone to some of those things at least some of the time?

This doesn't excuse people's lack of will and responsibility when they cheat, but is just to say it doesn't only happen in broken relationships, although that is the prevailing view.

I would like to do a post on dating sites, at some point, which present similar temptations / dangers like Facebook as well as their own unique dangers.

It's funny how euphemisms can mean the exact opposite of a word. For instance, Plenty of Fish uses the term 'intimate contact' to mean anything but intimacy. People looking for so-called 'intimate contact' essentially want anonymous, sexual encounters without any kind of intimacy or commitment.

More to the point, I was surprised how many people on the site indicated that they were married or in a relationship... and wanted to date 'discreetly' (or have discreet 'intimate contact'). And that is only the people who actually 'fess up to their relationship status.

Marykelly also had a good post on Facebook that I agreed with. I commented, only to lose it in etherspace (and didn't have the time to repost).
Great topic, kryptogal. I'm sure it happens, and I'd imagine you're right about the prevalence and how easy it is. I admit that Facebook, which my SU uses and I barely touch, has caused some jealous flare-ups on my part.

I guess the key is to know one's partner and be cognizant. Not hyper-vigilant, per se, but aware of what's happening.

Rated.
I have had the total opposite happen to me when I friended my ex boyfriend on facebook, he sent the friend invitation. I had a relationship with him over 20 years ago. Didn't want anything from him but friendship, and was curious about his life. I am happily married for almost 20 years. At first his comments on my statuses would be nice but then they got hurtful by belittling me and just writing stupid comments about things. Not going to get into it but they were hurtful. We did meet up a few months ago and everything went well as old friends. But then the bad comments started when I would post happy moments in my life. Like my wedding anniversary or something about my 2 teen daughters. And even what groups I joined..etc... Like he was jealous etc..........He would also post on his wall unfriendly remarks about me. It was as if he was competing with me. Unfriended him after 3 months of this. I only wrote a few nice comments on his wall and that was it. Glad I got rid of him.
I just created a group on facebook for people who's marriage/couple have been ruined by facebook and old flames.
http://www.facebook.com/editprofile.php?sk=interests#!/group.php?gid=116151325079301

This after my boyfriend left me after 15 years together after his high school old girlfriend showed up. Yes, as the article says, there can be some boredom, but what couple doesn't after a while. Most time you just catch up with an old boyfriend/girlfriend, but once in a while, something was left unfinished. It should have remained closed and did for years, but facebook makes easier to get in touch for no reason and there it is. Join if you lost your couple/marriage by facebook and old flames.
I enjoyed this post. My husband recently decided that he wanted to join facebook, So I took the liberty of helping him create it. All was well for a few weeks but here's where it all went down hill causing me to delete my own because I got tired of stressing over all these women he added in a span of 3 hours. He didnt have a desire to do so then now all of a sudden. They are females from high school , or so he says. Now I wouldnt care if it was someone hes been friends with since then but he hasnt talked to them since god knows when which means to me that they have no established boudries. He doesnt even know who these ppl are anymore. Obviously im not threaten by the men, but how do i know that they were not old flames or lovers that i didnt know anything about. What makes it even worse is that they are pretty. Now dont get me wrong im not a dog, but I still feel threatened. so tell me If im over reacting or do I have a valid point...i would just like some advice. it sounds childish but why is it affeting me so much that I contantly have this urge to scream.
I love making the guy who dumped me in high school eat his heart out on facebook. It's been almost fifty years but I am still way cuter than anyone he had since!
Recently, I received a FB friend request from an ex-boyfriend I had not spoken to or seen in over 20 years. I accepted the request and we immediately began messaging each other, then he gave me his phone number and we started talking and texting daily. I was in the middle of a divorce after being separated for 2 years and he was 6 weeks away from marrying his girlfriend of 3 years. (Oh, did I mention that I was his first girlfriend who he lost his virginity to?) I asked him why he friended me 6 weeks before his wedding and he explained he had been searching for me for years and was so happy to see me on a mutual friend's page that he friended me immediately. He recently came to my city and we hooked up, in the literal sense. He has only been married to his wife for 3 months and was willing to cheat on her to be with me one more time. I was willing to let it happen. Needless to say, nothing good has come out of this reunion. He is left feeling guilty and is returning to his unsuspecting wife, secretly wishing he could be here with me and I am left feeling empty and stupid for letting this happen. In our case, it was FB that brought us together. We both got caught up in how good it felt those 3 years that we were together over 20 years ago and we wanted to feel that way again. Sadly, it was only temporary and definitely not worth it. Had it not been for FB, we would not have reconnected, which isn't to say we could have connected another way and still had the same outcome... FB gives us opportunities that we sometimes just don't need!
Recently, I received a FB friend request from an ex-boyfriend I had not spoken to or seen in over 20 years. I accepted the request and we immediately began messaging each other, then he gave me his phone number and we started talking and texting daily. I was in the middle of a divorce after being separated for 2 years and he was 6 weeks away from marrying his girlfriend of 3 years. (Oh, did I mention that I was his first girlfriend who he lost his virginity to?) I asked him why he friended me 6 weeks before his wedding and he explained he had been searching for me for years and was so happy to see me on a mutual friend's page that he friended me immediately. He recently came to my city and we hooked up, in the literal sense. He has only been married to his wife for 3 months and was willing to cheat on her to be with me one more time. I was willing to let it happen. Needless to say, nothing good has come out of this reunion. He is left feeling guilty and is returning to his unsuspecting wife, secretly wishing he could be here with me and I am left feeling empty and stupid for letting this happen. In our case, it was FB that brought us together. We both got caught up in how good it felt those 3 years that we were together over 20 years ago and we wanted to feel that way again. Sadly, it was only temporary and definitely not worth it. Had it not been for FB, we would not have reconnected, which isn't to say we could have connected another way and still had the same outcome... FB gives us opportunities that we sometimes just don't need!