Kevin Garrison

Kevin Garrison
December 31
Kevin Garrison is a professional writer, former airline captain and 3.5 tennis player. Kevin firmly believes that professional wrestling is real and the rest of the world is bogus.


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JANUARY 17, 2013 12:12PM

Lets get Real

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It is probably the weather.

Naw; it is probably just because I am becoming a crabby old man.

Every stage of life has its difficulties. When you are a baby you can congratulate yourself for surviving your birth and your first year or two, but you have to put up with tasteless food and you have no choice at all about what family you find yourself in or your economic situation. Lets fact it – as a baby you have just as much chance of ending up in a meth lab/mobile home as a house near a golf course.

You learn as an infant that life is a random crap-shoot and then in early childhood you begin to learn about the unfairness of the world.

It starts when you question a directive from your parents. “Why do you have to take that crayon out of your nose? Because I told you to, that’s why!” This statement from any grown up makes no sense to a kid.

Later in childhood you are forced to go to a school with other kids your age or worse yet, get educated at home and hardly ever see other kids. Either way, you are doomed to at least six hours a day of suppressing the urge to put that crayon up your nose and conform to the behavior of the most boring children on earth. Well behaved kids are nice for grownups but are the Eddie Haskels of Kidworld.

The way we all get around all these difficulties that begin during our childhood is to begin to believe in certain things that are so obviously untrue that we would laugh about it if we managed to maintain our sense of humor through middle school.

Now that I am an old geezer I feel it is incumbent on me to straighten out and explain away some of these misunderstandings of adult fact.

You are not going to win the Lottery. This should be obvious to you by now. You can pump dollars into this project, but there is statistically no way you are going to win hundreds of millions of dollars just because you think you are special. Sure, somebody is going to win it, but trust me; it is not going to be you.

You will never be famous. Fame is over-rated, so this fact should not bother you that much. Tom Hanks will not be coming over to your house. Coach Cal only sends you tweets because he sends everybody tweets and car salespeople don’t really want you to call them to chat after they sell you that car you can’t really afford.

The interstate highway system will never be finished. If you expect to take a trip down I-75 someday and not see a single orange barrel or experience a long traffic jam due to construction you are living in a fantasy world. There will always be annoying road delays due to the fact that even though there are a million orange barrels there are apparently only three road workers actually working on the entirety of the interstate highway system.

BTW, this is a note to the “powers that be” (which you and I will never be a member): Stop threatening us. I am sick to the teeth of billboards and expensive lit highway signs informing me that I will go to jail if I hit a road worker (good luck finding a road worker to hit). Same goes for telling me to buckle my seatbelt or reminding me that I will be arrested if I drive drunk.

The most galling threat you police and political types lay on us is those stupid little signs pasted to gas pumps that have the picture of the humorless, no-neck state trooper telling me that you will take away my driver’s license if I steal gasoline. Here is the thing, idiots: If I need to steal gas in order to drive a car it is unlikely that I care whether or not I have a driver’s license. I am an outlaw, and outlaws don’t follow laws like having driver’s licenses or gun permits and outlaws don't file income tax returns.

News media people – especially local news media people: Houses burn down, people get killed and robbed and sick and other awful things happen to them all the time. Please, dear god, please stop interviewing people who just lost their homes, relatives or their money or pets. We get it – they are sad and are probably going to cry. Leave them alone.

Here is another hint for the media: When you interview an eyewitness to an event please try to find somebody who is wearing a shirt, has at least some teeth and can speak understandable English. We see plenty of ignorant on TV without you news reporters seeking it out.

Finally, TV weather guys and gals: We don’t need you to interrupt our favorite episode of the Big Bang Theory to tell us it is raining or storming. We live on this planet and are either getting wet or hearing the thunder and if a tornado is really approaching us it is unlikely that we still have electricity and are able to hear your warning.

There. That is enough ranting for one week. I need a nap. Stay tuned for next week’s rant in which I explain more of the world.

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If I was really smart, and creative, and could write well, I would call myself Kevin Garrison and take credit for everything you do. Loved this post! Excellent humor mixed with actual worthwhile information. My favorite line? "Well behaved kids are nice for grownups but are the Eddie Haskels of Kidworld."

Stellar work, Mr. Garrison. Thanks.