Life is full of surprises these days as I navigate the waters of breaking up. We have been seperated since July 1 when all holy hell fit the proverbial fan. The only conversation we have had was when I told her it was over. There really is nothing else to say.
I sit here alone trying to figure out my new normal. Some days are much easier than other days. Flying solo is not as hard as I had thought. Lucky for me I like me, and find myself to be good company.
Looking back at the relationship I see how lonely I was during it. Most everything revolved around her. It was all about what she was doing and when she would be doing it.
Friends, let me say it first, "I fucked up." When we got together I made the mistake of giving her my heart much too quickly.
I easily shifted into "caregiver" mode when she lost her first job and I had the money to cover our expenses. She never got another job that paid very much. She did work at various jobs but only made enough to cover her health insurance while I covered all the real living expenses-housing, food, car payments, insurances, etc.
She became a "corporate refugee" and began finding her passion which was tied into local food and cooking. I encouraged her to do so and watched as she tried various jobs. Then she and another woman started a business making local prepared ready to go meals. There was a lot of energy and excitement around it. I was very supportive emotionally as well as financially.
After a year that blew up and her business partner bought her out. She was devastated and hurt. I heard all about her being "wronged" by the other woman. She never was able to admit that maybe she had some part in the split by some of her own actions. Nope, this was surely a case of, "Look what she did to me."
Looking back maybe I should have seen more clearly that no matter what tale she spun it was never her fault. She had lost jobs because of cutbacks, being over qualified, or personality differences. Relationships had ended poorly due to the other person's problems or some other cockamammy.
Never did I hear her take any responsibilty for her own part in the situation. It was surely always someone else's fault.
Here we are now ending our relationship and I can see pretty clearly that she thinks this is all my fault. "Look at what J is doing to me! How dare her kick me out of our home and move my stuff to storage!"
She is yet again the victim of her own drama, all the while calling me names and attempting to take the focus off of her actions. But this time it's not working as well. I can see much more clearly how she tries to manipulate the situation as well as the people (me).
This is quite simply the end of our relationship, one that was not working very well for either one of us. It is the end of any future dreams together.
I will look hard at my part in all of it and try to learn from everything. In the end, I only have control over my own actions. I am keeping integrity right next to my grace and dignity.
It is hard and hurts like hell but it's time to pick up the pieces and move on.