Needless to say the past four days have been blurry and as the days pass, the last few weeks have become hazy to remember.
All I remeber now is how bright Steven's eyes were when he spoke to me for the last time on Saturday night. He came to, long enough to tell me goodbye and to go take care of the pup. It was the most sureal experience I've ever had.
What I would give to have just a moment with him again . . . just to hear his voice.
If it weren’t for my little girl I’d be drunk off my ass right now . . . I have to keep it together to take care of her. It breaks my heart to see her wander around the house looking for Daddy. I think she senses something is wrong. The expression on her face just tears me in two.
In their own way, I think animals know.
After nearly eight years of sharing a bed with someone, I’m not used to sleeping alone and find myself turning in late, the empty bed such a blunt reminder of why the house is so quiet.
Why do I feel like that was a lifetime ago? I see flashes of our life together: little moments I thought I had forgotten.
I remember everything . . . and that pain is unbearable. I don’t fear being alone, I fear this pain. The dull ache of missing him. A tiny part of me is in denial, wishing he’d pop through the front door with some wise ass remark about practical jokes.
Wishful thinking, indeed.
I have to keep it together, Boo needs me. That sweet little angel at my feet is my saving grace. I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about just ending it. But then I look at Boo and remember that I have a duty to her and deep down have unfinished business here. I’m angry. I’ve always had the need to save people, even at my own expense. I couldn’t pull him back, I couldn’t save him.
Now I have to worry about myself, I cannot do that. I’ve always put others ahead of myself. I feel empty, lost and alone in the worst way. I can’t sleep, the bed is too big. What I would do to roll over and feel him behind me, the warmth of his arms, scent of his hair.
All gone.
This morning I woke up with Boo staring down at me, her precious face showing concern. It broke my heart. For a moment I just watched her and I had to smile.
She’s one of the greatest gift’s he ever gave me.
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Rachel Kramer Bussel
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Comments
I wish we lived close so we could hold each other and just cry until we could cry no longer.
No magic words, no waking up, just pain and more pain...Stay with us and it does get better I don't know when, I still expect to wake up, but it will get better and we will survive because that is who we are.
I love you and wish I really could do something to help.
It is going to take a very long time to forget the pain of those we loved so very much but someday we will only remember the good and we will laugh and smile remembering. I promise...
You might want to read C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed. "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the
sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." He knew what it feels like.
I am truly sorry for you.
So sorry you're having to go through this, I wish he'd walk back in the door for you too.
The love of my life died 19 years ago and I still choke when I try to write about it. He shows up in bits and pieces in my poems.
My heart goes out to you, I wish I were close enough to sit down and talk.
rated with love
Rated.
Everything Happens for a Reason [tm]
But please hold on. I won't insult you by saying I know how you feel--I'm sure I don't. I'm sure it will be hard going in the immediate term. I will only say, you won't feel this terrible forever. Be gentle with yourself. I'm so thankful you have Boo. I'm sure she is taking care of you every bit as much as you are taking care of her.
Rated, with big hugs.
I can't feel what you feel now....no way. I have no way to share it with you like I would if possible. No way to hold at bay even part of the feeling you have and protect you from it.
My mom use to say that we should not be shielded from such things, but if I could, I would try to shield for you.
For you, I would try much,... as so many of us would here.
Yes...you have responsibilities that keep you functioning here, but remember that one of them is to "keep on going on," and finding that way to get out of the bed in the morning.
I suspect he would have that for you.
I suspect he would wish it of you.
He loves you, and I suspect he would have you love yourself.
I suspect he'll still comment on those jokes.
May you find peace some day my friend, when the time is right for you...and know that my prayers go with you daily.
J D
I've been avoiding commenting cuz my heart is breaking for you, but I just had to say that we all love you.
Hug your pup and let him love you up back for us, K?
(and yeah, I'm crying my eyes out right now)
Rated.
Sending comforting prayers.
Then time passed, she grew older, I'd sit with her on the porch now and then. And sometimes out of the blue she'd be waiting by the door when I was going outside, and want to come in. Years after he'd gone, those rare times she'd want to come in again, and it was the same thing, searching the nooks and crannies.. perhaps she'd been thinking of him and just wanted to be sure he was still gone..
Boo has adjustments to make too doesn't she..
And I'm glad you have her and she has you. The companionship of an animal is probably more of a boon, at least in the early days, than that of family. You don't have to be strong for them, you can get mad, cry as often as you need to.. and they're there for you.. no matter how off the rails you go, they just want to be with you. No questions asked, no judgements made. Just all of the love their body's can contain and then some. Just want to give it to you.
Ok will come and go.. for some time yet :(. Just feel what you need to.
Rated for liquid and loyal brown eyes.
vzn wrote:`
`
Everything happens for a reason.
I never know how to respond then.
Honest.
A neighbor stopped over yesterday.
On Oct 20 - He told me he fell bad.
It was muzzle-loading deer season.
You hear shots in the woods today.
The neighbor fell from a deer stand.
He spent two weeks in the hospital.
`
He takes pain pills to sleep. Sad.
He fell twelve feet. He's hurting.
I hear what vzn intended. Bless.
`
I read the read last eve. Be well.
These losses are never very easy.
I mean no disrespect to vzn. Bless.
Lezlie