In the pink ribbon world, we chant "rah, rah, beat cancer!" So cancer must be the enemy, some invader that has attacked us, right? We must believe this since the alternative that cancer might not be the enemy or that it might have come from our own selves, if true, would rock our world!

 My friend, the scientist, and I had a heated exchange of views one day when I disagreed with this cancer framework by  saying that I thought that my cancer is just that, MY cancer - my cells that for some unknown reason had gone rogue. Many e-mails flew back and forth. His anxiety and perplexity rose as I, also a trained behavioral scientist, challenged this medical shibboleth.

 When I went through treatment the first time I saw cancer as Other, "not me." But, I viewed it as a benevolent other, sort of like a medical angel that had been sent to teach me some life lesson. That is all well and good when you have an expectation that treatment, however horrific, will be successful and once you have learned your lesson the  cancer will go away and never visit again. There are many cancer books and visualization tapes that promote this idea. So I was very intent on being grateful to my cancer.

 However, having metastatic disease really pulls the rug out from under you. There is all sorts of room for self-recrimination: was I  not grateful enough, did I not learn the lesson I was to learn, and on and on.  This is made even worse when I learned that the treatment that almost killed me, did not, in fact, kill the cancer and that I am dealing with original cancer seeds.

The dichotomy between cancer as Other and one's Self, can be the source of tremendous psychological and spiritual  distress for those of us living with this disease. But, the tensions dissolve if I can turn this around and say that these cancer cells are part of me (BUT not all of me). A doctor friend of mine keeps reminding me that it is not the cells present in one's body but what one's body does with those cells that should be of concern.

 Those of us who have been exposed to psychology understand the concept of the psyche's Shadow. I have come to believe that my cancer cells are the physical equivalent to the Shadow. As with a number of women, my physical self has been the dumping ground for all of those things about myself that I reject. (I'm too fat. I'm not pretty. I'm too clumsy, etc.) I was brought up in an evangelical Protestant home and was set up from birth to think of the world as a duality between good and evil as expressed by spirit and physical world. I reject all of that thinking now, but that training is deep in my unconscious.

I have learned from my work as a behavioral scientist that the Shadow is fertile ground for spiritual, as well as psychological growth, and that when we are open to our Shadow selves that the great mystery of life speaks to us with great power. 

I now believe that my cancer has been a metaphor for all that was diseased in my life. I am not surprised that my cancer is expressed as breast cancer because, as with most women, I have had people metaphorically attached to my tits my entire life. So, my nurturing self was worn out and some of those nurturing relationships were toxic, thus my breasts became diseased.  

 After a great deal of thought, I have also come to the realization that the cancer might have arisen from my need to be protected and my body's attempt to do just that. I will write more on this in a future entry but for now I can say that the cancer has given me permission to put myself first and care for myself for the first time in my life. It has made me appreciate just how sweet and precious life is and how I had spent my former life pursuing values that mean nothing in the final analysis. Because of my disease I am now forced to slow down, live thoughtfully and intentionally, and to let those I love know that I love them. Because of the cancer, my relationships are now healthy and life-giving. And because my cancer will be around for the rest of my life, I will always have that stern but loving force sitting behind me ready to tap me on the shoulder and keep me on the road to wholeness if not cure.