I am an introvert. Never has this been more plain than the past few months. When I am stressed I withdraw and ponder and try to make meaning out of my situation. That is what we do as humans, make meaning, but extroverts make meaning out loud, with others. I just rabbit away until I can face the world again. I haven't been posting because I haven't known what to say. I was lost in this deep interior world trying to make meaning.

A few months ago I began to have difficulties associated with childhood polio. I would have days when I would not be able to walk, or days devoid of energy. For someone previously very active and in good physical condition, except for the cancer, this was difficult to accept. I had no control over my body and no sense of when my body would give up on me.

Shortly after I began to work with a physical therapist on this problem, I was told by my oncologist that my cancer tumors had started to grow again, that my treatment failed, and that we might have to consider another measure. I truly felt besieged. Maybe I could deal with one of these, but both at the same time? I wasn't so sure.

The physical therapist told me that I would not be able to ski this year. Skiing is my passion, it is what makes a winter in Montana worthwhile. It is liberating, but even more  I sense God's presence in the silence of the snow and the power of the mountains. How can I survive winter without skiing?

 When I was told that the cancer was growing again, I felt so foolish. I had just allowed my emotional defenses to relax, just allowed myself to begin to hope again after 4 months of my oncologist telling me and my husband that I was well. As soon as I was emotionally vulnerable again, the cancer reappeared. It is a very mean spirited disease.

How does one find healing when there is no cure? As a health practitioner, I have often talked with my patients about healing and the difference between healing and cure, but I suppose it has been more of an abstraction for me until now. Neither of my conditions is curable so where is the healing for me?

Healing is more than a positive mental attitude. I think that the process of healing involves going down into the muck of the illness in all its incarnations. It involves experiencing all of the ugliness, horror, and fear. But, after that, it also involves looking at it and saying "that's ok." It is what it is, no more and no less. 

For me it isn't about hope - what do I hope for? To be rid of these conditions - not gonna happen. To have a good day? Some will be good and some not. It's about living in the moment, fully, with the negative and the positive and allowing each its rightful measure. Perhaps healing is acceptance in some way - not acceptance as in caving in to doom - acceptance as in here you are - you are what you are- not more and not less.

My psychology professor had a wonderful way of expressing this. 'Greet each thing that overwhelms you thus: "There you are. Please come in and let's have tea."' Or another expression:  "There you are. Have a seat on the bus. You can journey with me but you're not driving!"

So just maybe I have experienced healing. Maybe it means that to be healed doesn't mean being cheerful all of the time, or always thinking positively. Perhaps, it is as simple as facing disease and fear as they are but no more. I am not my diseases. I am.