So dear reader, the last we spoke I left you hanging with my quandry of whether or not to go back on chemo. For new readers this may seem like a simple answer but for me chemo is highly problematic. I have been fighting this disease off and on for 8 years. Every time that I have had chemo I have ended up in the hospital an infintesimally small sliver away from death.  It may be true that I will die from this disease but I prefer to die from the disease not from the treatment for the disease!

 My friends and family were concerned that I was giving up when I decided to not have more chemo. They began to treat me carefully as though I had begun the final journey, But I had not given up; I was putting my hand in every other top hat I could find hoping to pull out a rabbit. 

Facts: no new tumors, all the tumors were in the same place, they kept growing. Question: Could we do something localized? I remember my male friends with prostate cancer having radiation seeds implanted and I was wondering if we could do something like that. After a number of conversations with my medical oncologist, she agreed to refer me to a surgical oncologist to evaluate whether or not any of these more localized approached might be possible.

It was quite a journey. Before we met, the surgical oncologists had looked at my file and become familiar with the particuliarities of my case and had let me know that they thought they would be able to help. My first face to face was quite extraordinary. I have never had a physician discuss philosophies of treatment and my particular goals before. It seemed to me that it was crucial to this surgeon that I was aware and accepted that any surgical intervention would not be a cure, that I knew this disease was incurable. I appreciated our conversation immensely; I have never approached anything without being clear from a philosophical standing on the reasoning.

So, in addition to his multiple degrees and surgical oncology fellowship training and all of the rest of the paper trail that seems to indicate skilled physicians, the surgeon and I thought in holistic terms and were on the same wave length.  That was more important that I can convey, especially as I was trusting this man to cut out 35% of my lung tissue in an effort to improve the quality, and possibly the longevity, of my life.

In May they operated on the least compromised lung. It was a minimally invasive surgery and I rebounded quickly. This, I thought, was going to be a snap and I felt guilty when I thought of my metavivor sisters (others with stage 4 breast cancer) for whom this opportunity did not exist and who were wedded to traditional toxic chemo.

 In June they operated on the more compromised lung. It was a full blown thoracotomy where they cut off one entire lobe as well as a section of the remaining lobe. My ribs were fractured from having been spread,and, while my skin was numb over a large portion of my chest, I had phenomenal nerve pain, muscles were cut through and no longer functioned, not to mention that I felt like I was smothering. It was frightening. painful, and debilitating. I no longer felt guilty about having chosen an easier road than my metavivor sisters - I was paying the full load of suffering up front.

After 5 weeks it started to get better and I felt that I might actually be able to get past the pain. It has now been 4 months and I only have patches of numbness now, my muscles are starting to be useful once again, and I no longer gasp for air. I have gotten used to the feeling of not being able to breathe as deeply but I do get enough oxygen in every breath. 

 Three months after the surgery I went in for another scan to establish my new post-surgery baseline scan. I was expecting to have the scan look all shiny and new without the distinctive crab-like form of my former tumors. But, as with everything in cancer-land, a new suspicious lesion is now visible near where one of the tumors used to be. We won't know whether it is cancer or not, but I suspect that it is. The tumor site that it is near is the one tumor that never behaved no matter what we threw at it, the one that grew when all the others were shrinking.

Even if this new site is cancer, I have been able to reset the cancer clock. I hope that I have regained the 3 years that it took for the original metastases to grow to the size where they imperiled my life. I may have less time than that before I am back in the same situation as before, or I may have more time. With this disease you eventually learn not to hope and not to expect, just to take it as it comes.

 But for now I have gained 10 pounds and have plump rosy cheeks, When I look in the mirror I no longer see someone who is dying. I am living and loving. Life is full of surprises and adventures and is very very good!