I do hope you're wrong because I've been living vicariously through Lea. You thoroughly depressed me with your description of a special trip to Schnectady to see "Cats." It can't be true.

Claus Von Bulow!!!???? How did I miss that????

But, really, the Antarctica trip had me drooling. It was very attractive.

You know, there was always *something* about "Ms. Lane" that bothered me. I think you've figured it out! Now I can sleep at night, and not toss and turn trying to figure out what that something was.

(Hee. Your post amused the heck out of me!)

I actually believe that "Lea" aka "Lee" was a key figure in the Von Bulow defense case with Dershowitz. He flies under the radar. On the OS.

Laurel,
Have you been thinking again? Didn't we talk about that?
I kid of course you know that I love you.

Lea does get out and about. I know because I peeked in her stateroom window on that Antarctic cruise. I went disguised as a midget wrestler so as not to attract attention to myself.
The ploy worked as I was not discovered. I can't attest to the rest of her travels, but her Antarctic story is true.
I can't believe she didn't mention the way she hypnotized that pod of whales and had them doing synchronized swimming exercises around the icebergs. That was really something to witness.

Ps. Lea is just as Hawt in person as she is in her avatar, even more so!

The real Lea actually looks something like Wally Cox. But she's very good with photoshop.

latethink, I live vicariously though her, too. Very imaginative writing, when you think he/she hasn't even left the basement in several months.

m.a. h. -- I hope you're not driving while you're writing this.

Anni -- I think "Lea's" name is really Melvin Kowalczyk

Greg -- aha! I KNEW there was something fishy in that Von Bulow story

Michael -- so YOU were the mysterious young stud! Should have known.

My god Laurel, you've blown my cover. OK. It's true. I am really the Seven Dwarfs, and because there are so many of me, and because I am short, I am able to do things that most normal people cannot possibly achieve.

I am Dopey and Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, and the rest, all when needed. (On this site however, I am definitely not Doc. Too much snarkiness comes with that.) I also have a large assortment of masks and bodysuits which I can use on an as-needed basis.

I'm 102 years old, which accounts for the many things I have done, but I cover myself in a veil so that mysterious ship officers under eclipsed moons cannot tell my age.

Does that answer the mystery, or do you doubt me?

Bullshit, Lee, nice try with the Seven Dwarfs and all, a creative distraction but Laurel is not often incorrect.

Yeah, that is one cool banner.

Don't believe me on the dwarfs. Thought I might distract you. I'm actually Kerry's maiden aunt (I don't call him Zerry. Too tacky.)

Lea not Lee

I don't know... I'd heard a rumor she was actually Howard Hughes. Of course, you have to be old enough to get that reference. And I have it on good authority she once played a midget on CSI. But you know how rumors start, so you didn't hear any of this from me...

Hilarious. But seriously, fess up. Who dija banner? RicTresa?

I have it on good authority that the 52-year old reclusive guy is indeed named Lee, so it was not an error, Lee Macavity, is the full name. (I would never forget your real name Lea, if there is such a person)

Sorry, uh...Lea, Lee, Roger, Melvin, whatever your real name is, but I'm with Spudman here and am not buying the Seven Dwarfs story. But if you really are Kerry's aunt, does this mean you are related to Dr. Amy in some way?

Sally, I for one am plenty old enough to get the Howard Hughes reference, but I thought he was dead. But maybe he's just taken on a new..ahem...identity.

Re the banner: my phone, shot by a neighbor. Glad you guys like it.

you crack me up

::chortling::

NO, I refuse to accept that. Because I too have been living vicariously through Lea. I want my vicarious living to continue.

Snort! Giggle guffaw! Now Laurel, was it kind to blow another person's cover like that? Thumbed.

Noooooo! DO NOT burst my bubble! Lea is my hero and I won't be able to live another day if you drag her through the muck and make her mortal. I won't have it! I do believe in faries...I do believe in faries...

Or is that fairies? What ever! I do believe!
(cut me some spelling slack, it's freakin' early here)

yeahhhh.. I noticed her name was close to "Lois Lane"...next, she'll be telling us her hubby was really Superduperman...

Nice phone Lauren!!
I saw that travelog the supposed 'lea lane' put up.
I believe he works for Outback Tours in downunderland.
I think he printed the pics from their catalog hawking those whales.
I think after concultation with Dr Arnie Tudor, md last night I am gonna bust a gut or three today laughing my self silly....,......hahah

Gracielou,
Forget Lea and the fairies for a minute and call me bitch.

All this conjured up for me was Will Ferrell's role in Wedding Crashers, where he was yelling back into the kitchen in his bath robe, "MAAAAA! Meat Loaf!"

I was figuring more along the lines of the pink fluffy slippers, bath robe, and butt hanging out of her mouth in a rent controlled apartment with 48 cats, myself.

(Sorry Lea, I couldn't help myself.)

Interesting Laurel.... I notice you were born on November 22.

Do you you have a theory about that fateful day in 1963?

Well, whoever Lea Lane is, this idea is sheer genius. I've been pushing around a dozen boring drafts for days, getting nowhere and trying to keep my head from hitting the keyboard. I could have been writing up my trip to Borneo, or the Kalahari desert. Giant snakes, not weasels! Gotta go google Borneo.

Is that a real rotary dial, or a fake one? I haven't seen a real rotary phone since 1988.

Oh Michael, you bitch, I thought you'd never ask.

Nah. Lea is really Jimmy Hoffa. He has to remain on the run so he won't be found.

(I've got Lea's series bookmarked and can't wait to get lost in it. If only I didn't have to work...)

Dear Laurel not Lauren,

I am writing this on behalf of "Lea Lane." He will be let out of Folsom prison in 20 years, based on good behaviour. I want to thank you for giving him a much needed outlet for his fantasies, some of which led him here in the first place (I know that he hung around Claus Von Bulow and learned alot from him.)

Since he has found this place he calls "OS" he has stopped writing women for dates and his behavior has improved markedly. He no longer bites others. The only downside is that he keeps other prisoners up all night when he yells something about "I deserved an EP!" Whatever that is.

Sincerely, The Warden

PS. This Open Salon place looks interesting. I always wanted to write about my experiences. I assume there are no conflicts going on here, as I need some peace. Watch for my me. I write haikus with prison images.

No, Geoff, you're confused. The pink fuzzy slippers, bathrobe, butt hanging out of her mouth is me, not "Lea."

*hangs head*

Another fantasy shattered.

"No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home."

I have it on good authority that Lea Lane is actually an Arcturian desperately seeking transport off this stupid rock. Although I like Laurel's concept, it just doesn't explain everything. Since Arcturians can live exceedingly long lives, it's the only logical explanation.

Laurel - your neighbor shot your phone? How rude! Unless, of course, it was a cell phone being used in a Chinese restaurant.....

Thumbed. And giggled.

OK, guffawed.

Warden, thanks for writing. This clears a lot of things up, including "Lea's" fondness for trans-gender cruises. I look forward to your haiku.

gmgaston -- OMG, I hadn't made the connection! Lea, the grassy knoll....I'm going to have to reread that JFK post of hers. Maybe there are clues...

Brian -- yeah, the Lea Lane/Lois Lane similarity was a tip-off for me as well that all is not as it appears in "Lea's" world. But I think we should continue to humor "her." Ex-cons can be dangerous.

Mumbletypeg -- that is indeed a real dial phone, resurrected from my infamous basement. A little rodent damage on the cord, but we were able to photoshop it out. Oops...the phone is now ringing. I'm getting scared...

Well, I'm really Claus von Bulow, and I can tell you she really exists. And I'm innocent of all charges.

It was the "Muskrat Love" ring tones, Bill. Drives some folks a little crazy.

i love you laurel, even more now than when you wore men's underwear in the changing room.

(will the warden still let lea post? i need vicarious myself these days!)

It has to be the ultimate honor on OS to have an entire roast devoted to such a shape shifter as Lea/Lee. Quite an honor. Salud, Lea!!!!! Yes!, Laurel

Reminds me of the good old days before most of you were born when the Rat Pack (no, George Cloony was not in it.) used to host hilarious roasts of their friends and each other.

The only thing missing here is the cold rubber chicken, watery yellow gravy over slate gray potatos and cold peas that roll off your fork. Oh, and the melted neopolitan ice cream desert that looked like..................

Monte

The zaniest commentary on an often read poster that does more to create mystery of her (his) person. Guess I can't wrap my arms around the vision of Dopey as the answer to the question. Who is this very cool person Lea Lane? I really enjoy the crative paths to jog memories of great people, places, and times.

I love this post! Quite a lot of humor layered with the digs. And speaking of outing, why does it matter whether Lea or Lee or Lee Marvin, Bruce Lee, or Brenda Lee (bad examples - they're all dead), has an alter ego, or prefers to wear it on the left or right or tucked neatly in his or her skirt? And I love Moms, wish mine was still here; and I happen to love New Jersey. Love your hair, too - by the way Laurel (it is your real hair, right?). Also, I've been to all seven continents, been to the places that you have mentioned and more (I travel a great deal), I have the honor of having some awesome people in my life (don't like name dropping), and made love to some very special people (don't like to kiss and tell). I am fortunate to have a wonderful partner who adds much joy & spice(tied the knot in Dec 2007), our families & friends keep the sugar flowing, with their love & support. All that said; this life of mine is simply divine, so much so that in the overflow & after-glow, I try to help my LGBT community (and others) rise to a higher place in living, loving, and learning. No brag, just the facts MaM! I felt compelled after reading your post, to elevate your thinking a bit. Besides, I couldn't figure out what disturbed you more: the fact that she is really a he; that he/she lives with their mom /my mom lives with me after dad died & she witnessed her first heart attack, within months of his passing & I maintained a very fun- filled lifestyle/; that he/she lives in Jersey, the traveling, the house; what is it that really bothers you? There ARE people that are working hard (and investing a great deal of energy) to be happy, insanely & passionately happy, can't believe it's all for me happy; and forgive me if it is not coming across, but I am extremely humbled by it all, and thankful for it all. Laurel: I can't take any credit for all of this. My late mother passed away some years ago. On her death bed she advised me to live my life fully and be happy, letting nothing and no one stand in my way. Talk about a swift kick in the ass! Her advice led me to extend my boundaries a bit, venture out there, loosen up, not be so quick to judge, and to not settle for just having wild/passionate/lustful/amour fou with women scattered across the globe (MY GOD that is a bit painful to say-OUCH!), and settle my hot/fiery ass down. After all, I'm 45 and at the rate that I was going, I wouldn't make it to 50. I was bouncing all over the world, had 3 - 4 different women in my life, managing my own company (and some real estate & rental properties of my late parents), I had just launched a 501c3, and socially I was still connected to my friends & family. I began keeping my eyes open for something wonderful (instead of all the affairs I was having with some very special women - that's right!/ I said that already/flashbacks are an un-invited b'with an itch sometimes). Any who; I decided that what I wanted most (and needed - believed me) was partnership.union/ same -gender marriage/.

Then - out of the sky and guided by my late mother's hand I'm sure, I met this incredible soul. We fell in love instantly, at the home of some friends that I was visiting with in Paris (of all places/like I said it was a set up by my beloved but dead mother). My mate & I have been together ever since. I am a living proof, along with several people that I know personally, that one life can be that much fun and much, much more. (feel free to P.m. me if you want to know more about the how-to's and the where-for's). P.S. I love your blog & and your posts. I'm just getting started on OS myself, however my Baby, is quite an avid contributor and adores Open Salon. Want to guess who she is? She is definitely not a "reclusive 52 year old man who lives with his mother in a dull tract house in Trenton, NJ." If she was, the joke would be on me and kudos & hats off to Lea for making me realize that all this time I thought that I was a free & happy lesbian - when in fact I am just another bi-sexual/hetero - who likes to swim. Now you children be nice, play fair, and don't forget to share your lunch with the other boys & girls.

Well, Gandy, you've certainly given me some food for thought here. Always nice to hear from someone from my old stomping grounds -- I went to school in Ann Arbor and still have family there, including a ravishing gay niece. Perhaps the two of you have cross paths. (Yes, my hair is real, though I can't say the same for the color.)