JUNE 19, 2013 3:30PM

At least the government conspiracy theories are over

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“No more secrets.” – Martin Bishop, Sneakers

The Flat Earth Society lost a number of members in 1968, when the crew of the Apollo 8 space shuttle took a photo of the clearly spherical Earth. A few die-hards held on until the late 90s, but for many members that photo was the final straw.

I don’t know how you feel about the NSA reading your call logs, but here’s a silver lining: at least the rest of those ridiculous government conspiracy theories can finally be put to rest.

Why? Because no one in the US government can keep a secret.

Yes, they know who you’re calling and emailing, and when, and from where, and whether or not you’re posting photos to Facebook. Which means the government of the United States has exactly as much information on you as Mark Zuckerberg and Tim Cook do. And we probably would have come to that conclusion ourselves, if we took a moment to question whether broadcasting our minute-by-minute whereabouts on FourSquare was such a good idea, but we didn’t have to, because Edward Snowden told us anyway.

Which is what happens every time the government tries to keep anything under wraps. Somebody squeals. The US thwarted a terrorist plot in Yemen, and someone leaked that to the Associated Press, and when Eric Holder tried to find out who, someone else blabbed about that. Our country took out Osama Bin Laden using the world’s most covert, high-security counter-terrorism unit, Seal Team 6.

Then one of the Seals told a pro wrestler, who tweeted it, and another one published a memoir.

I’m not even saying loose lips are a bad thing – but they sure put a strain on the conspiracy theorists.

The aliens in New Mexico, the fake moon landing, the Clinton body count, the Illuminati and their New World Order – it makes for great fiction, but you just can’t sell it anymore as a secret that anyone would possibly keep to themselves.

You can’t convince yourself that George W. Bush orchestrated 9/11, but no one involved is saying anything, because they don’t want to lose their pension.

Michele Bachmann may think Edward Snowden is a “traitor” for opening his yap, but she’s still waiting for the whistle-blower to come out of the Hawaii Department of Health (or the hospitals, or the Attorney General’s office) and blow the lid off President Obama’s fake birth certificate.

Doesn’t anyone in Hawaii want to win a Pulitzer?

They just can’t get traction anymore. Sure, the government can carry out horrendous atrocities for a little while. Leaders can fake evidence that leads us into Iraq; the military can ignore prisoner abuse and bomb Cambodia; a president can try to bug the offices of his opposition. But it all falls apart the moment someone gets the opportunity to tell everyone.

You may not have a shred of privacy anymore, but neither does the federal government. That’s gotta be a good thing.

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kind of a funky perspective, man. so I guess we've uncovered all govt conspiracies for the end of time now huh?