It’s National Singles Week (Sept 21-27), for those of us who are everything but married, who now comprise the majority of households, according to latest stats. Because we’re marrying later and living longer, many of us will spend most of our adult lives single. And if we outlive our spouse, there may be many years on our own.
I married twice: very early (we grew apart) and very late (we grooved), with a long single mom-dom and dating period in-between. Since my second husband died in 2001 I haven’t dated much, nor do I feel the urge. I’ve had plenty!
A great marriage may be best of all, but most of us fall far short of that. And being in a so-so (or less-so) marriage, compared to being happily single, is a no brainer for me. Marrieds who feel sorry for singles who seem lonely should realize that some singles feel sorry for marrieds who seem lonely. At times in my first marriage I felt more lonely than I do now.
But it isn’t easy. We are a couple-centric society. One of the most graphic memories was when I took my son to his upstate university, and I happened to drive by the New York State Fair. I decided to drop in and realized after a while that of the thousands of people around me, accept for an occasional spouse waiting by a restroom, I was the only one by myself. I felt like a Conehead from early SNL skit. I was not quite on the same wave length as the rest of the fair. How come nobody else went there alone? There were fun things to do and see, like touching a rooster’s comb and eating fried ice cream. I spent a happy couple of hours and drove on, perplexed.
A few more thoughts on being single:
Some couples have dropped me from their social life for no other reason than I’m on my own. It’s galling at first, so I just developed some great single friends, and do more fun things to make up for it.
People tell me that I seem happy, married or un. And I think that it’s true that if you’re a positive type, you’d probably be ok in any situation, and if you’re negative you’ll be less happy in any situation.
Sure there are moments, often regarding tech issues, one paycheck, putting on bracelets, making every single decision, not having someone always concerned about you. And some late nights in bed with my cat I think, what a waste! But I make up for these things with family and friends. I’ve even faced the dreaded “seriously sick scenario alone” and came through just fine, with loads of support.
I like solitude. It’s a magnificent word, really. It implies peacefulness, insight, meditation. It gives me opportunity to focus, observe, appreciate in stillness, and learn things about myself you would not otherwise.
I can do what I want, and I rarely argue with myself. That makes things really peaceful.
At my past-prime age, odds are that I’ll be single from now on. (Not so, you guys. Even cantankerous 90-year olds who don’t use deodorant are pursued.) So, in reaction, I’m concentrating on living totally, flat-out, fully, experiencing all I can, not waiting around for things to happen, open to whatever may come along, even if it’s romance with a younger guy. (Hey, I’m not dead!) I just don’t need to marry. And I certainly don’t need to settle for someone who isn’t a quality person.
I have a little mantra I’ve been saying for a couple of years: “I’m grateful for this day.” I usually slip it in when I least expect it, but usually when something makes me smile and I take a second to focus on it. And if I forget to find time on one day, I say it a couple of times the next. That little thought keeps me focused on how lucky I am, unmarried, or not.
So happy Singles Week to all of you who go it alone. Enjoy! And be grateful for each day.TIP:
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Comments
You're outgoing and gregarious, obviously. A lot of married people, myself included, simply don't invite people over very frequently, married or otherwise. We have had a couple of single friends over the years, one male, one female, who think, and who have voiced the complaint, that we're inviting everyone over and setting up blind dates for everybody but them. The truth is far less interesting. We're just boring and complacent. But in the future I'll try to be more like you.
Happy Singles Week to you, Lea.
Amen.
As a three-time-loser, I finally came to the realization that if you don't do something well, it is best to stop doing it. I love the company of women, wouldn't mind if one were to overnight, and would even welcome a "steady", as in steady date, but that's as far as I care to go anymore.
Rose, aside from the civil rights/equal rights aspects, I agree with you. I suspect the divorces will follow. ;)
I enjoyed your article a great deal. I am (not by my own choosing) single after having been married for twenty years. It's been three years since my divorce and to be honest, I still hate being single. It's terrible not to see your children everyday, to do all the little things, the rituals, that were so important to them and to you.
I am forty-three and anyone who thinks that being free at this age is delusional. There are men who date many women, however, I am not one of those. I am wholly monogomous, and cannot even feel intimate toward a woman unless there is a strong emotional factor involved. Hey, I know I sound like a woman, but that's the way I am.
I think the most difficult part for me is expressing the tenderness and affection that I used to every day. It's always the small things that you miss. That hug, backscratch, annoying snoring. Besides that, being a monk is not exactly fun. If I had had the opportunity, I would still be married. So while it is national singles' week, I am not in a celebratory mood.
Thanks,
Erik
I know, it is sometimes really hard. But you will get past this, I'm sure. Are you dating? Do you have friends you can get out with?
Know that there are many of us who have to deal with being alone and do it best by talking with others and keeping busy and involving ourselves in life. (Do you have a pet? I have a loving cat and get scratched and kneaded by her alot!)
At any rate, I have made you a friend on this site, and look forward to reading more of your posts. All best to you!
We're a couples-centric society, but one where the goal is still that white picket fence marriage and a mortgage, with a handful of kids to boot. I think that's why I identify more with single folks than married couples. The married ones go home entirely too early.
Aaron, I've had some long live-in relationships, and even though they ended, I don't regret them. I learned and moved on. And they have a romantic element that's hard to define.
I have a sister who is single after two unhappy marriages. She wouldn't trade living alone for anything! She loves having the remote to herself in every sense of the word.
Because of what I do, and I'm no cynic, and I myself am in a happy marriage of almost 8 years after having been previously married for 21 years, between the challenges of marriage and the pain I see couples experiencing in their marriages, I wonder at times why we think marriage is just the be all to the end all. It's challenging to live and love someone day in and day out, year after year and it's challenging for that person to live with us, day in and day out.
Getting to your point Lea, you are "grateful for this day". My sense with you and the type of person you are is that this gratefulness is not dependent on your being single. You have an attitude that would be well worth emanating, no matter one's marital status.
Randy Pausch's wife, before he died, said she had a mantra she repeated every morning, "I have everything I need for today."
Thank you for that wonderful comment. You made me grateful just for that.