For Mother's Day I was going to write about my toxic mother who treated me like a younger sister. Or about being a single mom. But I'll leave those for another time, maybe. Instead, my focus is on two mothers, vastly different but both controversial, and right now both highly visible.
Elizabeth Edwards just appeared on Oprah, talking about her new book, Resilience. Much has been discussed about why she wrote it and why she is staying with her unfaithful husband, John.
My guess would be that motherhood plays a large part in it. She has written and talked about her extreme closeness with her son Wade, who died in a car crash when he was 16. She has home-schooled her younger children to be with them more. And of all the awful things about John Edward's affair, she still seems in deepest denial about Rielle Hunter's baby. She says: "It doesn't look like my children, but I don't have any idea."
But I think she knows. And I think that the idea that John Edward's mistress is the mother of this child who really does look like Edwards, makes Elizabeth take us all through the mess again. I mean, imagine knowing that Rielle and "it" are probably just waiting for her to leave, one way or another. That her children probably have a half-sister who will live on as a reminder of her husband's infidelity, and that the other woman -- whom she will not call by name -- just may become their stepmother.
"It's not about this woman. It's about this family," Elizabeth said on Oprah. And when asked about her kids' response to the affair, " they pretty much know," and "maybe the cancer's a bigger thing in their lives than this woman's passing through." And, "they adore their father, they adore me," and "he's unbelievable with my children."
This may be what drives Elizabeth Edwards to appear again in the media, and to stay with a man who so visibly and deeply betrayed her in a "new reality." The mom thing, the sacred bond she thought she alone shared with her husband. By remaining in the marriage, Elizabeth Edwards is a barrier. Her children will not meet Rielle or the other child while Elizabeth is alive. She is spared that pain, at least. She has retained a smidgeon of control.
***
Another motherhood control issue, far less poignant, but related in terms of this Mother's Day: comedienne Joan Rivers is in the finals of the reality show Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday. Joan stormed out of the Trump boardroom and threatened to quit when her daughter was kicked off. For years Joan has propped up Melissa, her only child, in co-hosting assignments, and in constant references and endorsements. And this time Joan couldn't control things.
I have a personal vision of the Joan Rivers of many cosmetic surgeries ago, that focuses on her motherhood. In the late 1980s, a friend said he'd join me and my fella on a double-date. I was excited, but when he walked in with Joan Rivers I wasn't so sure. She was recovering from her husband Edgar's recent suicide, and was host of her own talk show and much in the news about a feud with Johnny Carson.
Does the word "demure" remind you of Joan Rivers? How about quiet, classy, thoughtful? She was just that, to my surprise. My son was attending the University of Pennsylvania then, and so was Melissa. And that was most of what we talked about for the time we spent together: our children.
When I told my sons about Joan Rivers being so unexpectedly normal, they didn't believe me, so a month or so later I brought them to meet her backstage; she was starring in a play by Neil Simon, Broadway Bound. When she met my boys she peppered them with thoughtful questions. Again, really different from her stage persona.
When we left I asked my skeptical sons what they thought, and they said "She's not obnoxious. She's a mom."
And so if I watch Joan Rivers (maybe) on her reality show finale this Mother's Day, I'd see past the brash, over nip-tucked comedienne. I'd remember the mother. Both she and the suffering Elizabeth Edwards remind us that no matter our station or fame or riches or glamour, wherever we may be in the circle of life, for many of us it is motherhood that remains a center, a constant, to hold onto and protect like a lioness in even the toughest times.
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Comments
On your real life experience with Joan Rivers, I'm not surprised. Over the years the on-stage on-screen charicature has gotten larger than the state of Texas.
I remember a routine she did in the mid 60s before the "women's movement." She was single, was talking about single men focused on how well endowed women, as opposed to a petite woman that she is.
She talked about how she went to a really good college (I can't remember which one and that she was an intelligent woman.
Her punch line was that "men think a woman with a 52 inch bust size is 'intelligent'." Her shtick changed over time, I won't say evolved, perhaps devolved.
I knew from that routine, she felt she had a lot to offer a man in a relationship, and they were only interested in physicallity.
She was ahead of her time in the 60s.
This was a really good piece, Lea. Thanks for making me think and reflect. Happy Mother's Day to you.
Joan just does not look anything like herself. It feels like a Michael Jackson kind of transformation.
Thank you. :)
I simply can't understand why Edwards would appear on Oprah to discuss the arguably the most terrible emotional blow a spouse can receive. Nor can I understand Rivers's over-protectiveness toward her daughter.
I know why I can't understand -- for me personally -- so maybe someone else can make the case for going public like this.
My heart does break for Elizabeth and her inner struggle to remain in some semblance of normalcy in a very otherwise marital reality.
I applaud her for fiercly fighting for her family dynamic, fractured though it is and not letting that be a neon battle of bitterness that would negatively impact her children. That is so terribly difficult and it is written all over her face, as if the cancer wasn't enough. I can't say enough about her crumbling strength and pray she doesn't loose her battle with cancer while she is navigating through these turbulent marital waters. John really fooled millions of people with his polished , ceramic exterior and a message of honesty and upright character. I would have crossed party lines to vote for his man once. He almost had me but turned out to be another straying Kennedy type who leaves deep family pain and scars through purely selfish pursuits. Sorry, getting way off track here. Really loved your post and the fierce relationship between Joan and Melissa, though cannot stomach the TV show that displays the ugly side of it's players.
Stellaa, yes there is a sad connection in watching these women this weekend, for different reasons. I just thought that motherhood seems to unite them as an odd couple.
voicegal, I feel a terrible sadness watching Elizabeth. She is in an awful position and doesn't seem to know how to make it better.
Odette, they are "great" in some way or other, certainly strong, caring mothers above all. And both have become controversial for different reasons through their recent lives.
scanner, both are intelligent women, who live their lives in the media for different reasons.
kaysong, thanks. That's what I was trying to do.
boa, I know. I just think she is devastated and this is a way for her to deal with it and maybe get back a bit. I can't imagine what she must be going through or how I would feel.
Great comment, Cathy and I agree with you.
Gwool, I know that Elizabeth is a far more sympathetic woman than Joan, but they are both complicated, and both strong mothers.
Fabflamingo, yes Joan seems to have gone wild on her face. Obsessive, I'd guess.
I'm happy to know Joan has the softer side you speak of. I only know the public "face" and it is so much more difficult to watch these days.
As for Elizabeth...I am sure his behavior has contributed to the stress levels that would hinder her treatment, but frankly, she behaved badly in order to further his narcissistic behavior, and perhaps now she is intent on distancing her actions. I wish her well, she has a tough enough walk to walk.
mamoore, yes when it comes down to it we are all human.
--rated--
I'm surprised you think he might remarry to Hunter. Everything I've read has suggested she's a trainwreck and he was only attracted to her sexually, not more. Do you have other intel??
I grew up watching Joan Rivers and I always disliked her because her comedy routines were all about demeaning herself and other women. I just found it all ugly and completely un-funny. I don't doubt she's entirely different in person - but I hate what she felt she had to do to succeed in that era.
Silk, I don't know any of us can know what Elizabeth Edwards feels. Cornered, maybe. And tremendously betrayed. Both women use the media to work things out in their ways.
Joan Rivers has said she felt betrayed when her husband committed suicide. And in the 80s she was less of a caricature. Still some, but she was in the top-tier of comediennes; not what she has become. I don't care for her public persona either. Just interesting how very different she was in private.
Apparently, she throws $20 bills around like candy, giving one to every single person who helps her with getting on her flight (even luggage attendants). As my friend cannot accept gratuities, Joan has given her exquisite pieces from her jewelry line as gifts of appreciation. My friend says you can see the pleasure and light in her face when she's giving.
I haven't been following the Apprentice, but Rivers' last Bravo concert was a stitch! How old is she now?--and she's still producing fresh comedy. Gotta hand it to her.
I find that to be true for me.
RE: EE. She told us on Oprah why. Very clearly. 2 people, deeply in love, had 28 years of being deeply in love. They were for each other when Wade died, but especially John was by E's side. John was by her side during the cancer the 1st time. As E said, you don't throw away all of that because of this. It is my belief that she is taking him to the woodshed privately. He is paying privately. She said she blames him. I blame him. He made a choice. But I also agree with E that women need to support women, and not pick off the married ones. If anything, the book is her way of working through her puzzle pieces. He brought the terrible wolf to the door, he doesn't have any say how she skins it.
denese, and for most of us I think. That is where we all seem to come together, regardless of our personalities.
Annimal, interesting take on it. Yes, she is doing it to work it out, and I'm not sure if it will work. I feel for her.
They NY Post had a story in Oct. that the Edwards are separated and it keeps appearing, although I don't think she has confirmed it.
libertarius, I hear you and I agree. She enabled him to put us at risk for losing this election. We got lucky there. I just was focusing on the mom aspect, which seems to be driving her now, imo.
At any rate, Joan has blown me away on that show. She is consistently kind, loyal (as is "Missy" to her), and a hard worker with a good skill set. She strikes me as someone who learned her skills the hard way, too, and really has survived much.
Elizabeth Edwards, of course, has my respect and empathy, too. Resilience, indeed.
Happy Mother's Day to all moms and those who have one.
EE, that is a tough situation, as you say. Happy Mother's Day to you, too.
As for Joan Rivers it doesn't surprise me that Joan Rivers was a demure and intelligent woman when you met her. Don't a lot of comedians get into the biz to gain self confidence doing stand up? It would surprise me if she can even close her eyes after all the plastic surgery! Enough is enough. Thought it was nice that she stood up for her daughter.
I feel a lot of compassion for Elizabeth Edwards whom I've liked ever since I learned about her in 2004. As political wives go, I find her very human and real. It's really hard to be the wife of a famously unfaithful man. As Hillary too had to learn the hard way. In both cases, if Hillary or Elizabeth decided on divorce, I wouldn't have blamed them at all. Now Elizabeth has got people shouting that she should leave him and get everything (which I think in many ways he deserves). But if she wants to keep her family from falling apart completely or to not wash all her dirtiest, bitterest laundry in the public view, I admire her for that. Both she and Hillary are walking a tough path; staying married and trying to salvage their marriage. Honoring that "So long as we both shall live" part of their wedding vows. And they have a hell of a lot of people telling them that to be "true feminists" or at least to meet someone else's criteria of "true feminist" they should have dumped the jerk. It's gotta be painful.
for the entertainment industry,has gone down in history.
The words "What the F...,am I doing here?" ,brought the house down,
and made newspaper headlines for day's.
Joan is my understanding of a 'real broad".
Interesting, too, about Rivers. I can't help but think that her daughter acted spoiled, though. I didn't really see that those women attacked her. (but I hadn't seen anything of the episode before to see how much work she did in the challenge...I just saw clips from the boardroom)
Shiral, yes, it's a tough path these betrayed women have to walk in the public eye. I have no idea what I would do.
Peter, yes I had heard about that f-bomb.
Delia, yes Joan's daughter Melissa is known to be spoiled. She may have matured now, but that was her rep when she was younger.
About Joan Rivers: I have seen literally one episode of The Apprentice in my entire life, and it was the one you mention, the recent one where Joan stomped out of the building in solidarity with Melissa. Where others see prima donnas or princesses, I saw something poignant. Sure, they're both spoiled brats in a way. But that mother bear instinct kicked in the same way it does for us regular moms. Not terribly rational, but fiercely there. Thanks so much for this thoughtful post. And Happy Mother's Day.
I feel bad for Mrs. Edwards. What a shit john is. Unforgivable in my book. Of course now he's being investigated for nickels and dimes while torturers and Wall Street criminals roam free.
I started watching The Celebrity Apprentice with my own dear Mother on her recent visit and am pulling for Joan in the finale, but that Annie Duke is a real cun....uh... I mean she's real competitive.
Sally, yes Joan's just a nice Jewish mother -- 10 times over.
Lainey, I just couldn't help noticing the overlap.
Michael, I guess I'll watch too, since I wrote this. I'll be curious.
Two other things just while I'm here:
I hate all these "reality" shows that are based on people being repellent. I feel like a whole generation is being brought up to be obnoxious and cruel to one another thinking this is the way "everyone" acts and that not only is it OK, it is preferred.
And Re: Edwards' appearance on Oprah: I just felt that she wanted to offer her side of the story and yes, gain some control over a situation that seemed to be out of her hands.
I have to admit that I haven't thought as deeply about the fallout of Edwards' affair until I read what you wrote about here - for some reason I focused on just the two of them, and not the constellation of family in which they live. My heart aches for Elizabeth Edwards, for the difficult choices her husband's stupid actions forced her to make.
I've been meaning to write about her since Celebrity Apprentice, where she has kinda blown me away with her...way. Did you see her work as the concierge at a hotel? She was AMAZING. Such a good, hard worker and sooo knoweldgeable about NYC and how to treat people.
Frankly, I have learned a lot from that show. I think its kind of amazing, in a sociological and psychological sort of way...and professional sort of way. But she...she's been quite impressive to watch. She'll probably go up against that mean Poker player for first place. I hope she wins. She deserves it.
Beth, until this show no one believed me about Joan. Now they can see what I mean. And remember, she was in love with the man I knew. She was "demure."
yes Gary, unlikely combo for sure, but they have a real connection as moms.
About Joan, she seems like a nice lady; however, children need to make their own way as adults.