my front door in Somers, NY --see my reflection in the glass?
Many in this awful economy, and on OS, are suffering more than I, but because of poorly managed fixed-income equities I’ve just had to sell the Westchester County condo that I bought when my husband died. And there goes the dream I managed to achieve for five years. A dream to be an hour north of New York City, near my children and grandchildren, and to spend half the year amid the beauty of nature, away from Florida's humid heat.
my woods, behind the condo, where I'd walk and sit and dream
Look, I consider myself lucky. I still have a condo in Miami, the city where I grew up.
("Hialeah." Remember, I just wrote about it?)
I found a buyer for the New York condo within a couple of months, and despite getting a price lower than what I paid -- not even including the many improvements -- the good news is that I will no longer be burdened by monthly costs I couldn't afford.
A move is never easy, especially a reluctant one, alone -- finding a buyer, packing up, selling, giving away, throwing away. I moved in 2001 and in 2003, both times to other properties. And now this unexpected one, where I just folded my tent.
I liked it there. Alot. Living solo, I had made the house a reflection of my interests, and I thought I'd enjoy it well into my old age. But I'm another example of an economy that left many of us over our heads.
the living area, with the border I had painted of things that I loved, that had to do with me
sure looks different, but the border remains to be painted over
the dining area, where my family and I shared happy times
furniture and mirror gone; only the chandelier will remain
I wrote here
not any more ....
I slept here, under the hand-painted headboard
not any more
It’s over. The keys have been passed to the new owners. The packed goods are with me in Miami.
I brought some stuff with me ....
I now live full time overlooking the bay. Yes, really and truly I know I'm lucky -- things could be so much worse, and I feel for those struggling. I was caught up in a dream that seemed too good to be true, and my children learned from the lesson. But I managed to come out ok, and I'm looking forward to the simple, beautiful pleasures of life.
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Comments
No one knows what the future brings.
Stellar photos. That rainbow - I just want to climb up there and slide down it. :-D
The world is changing and so must we. But it isn't what we imagined our life would be. Keep faith and enjoy the beauty within your incredible soul. There are great days ahead!
- rated
I lost a home to foreclosure about 18 months ago, and it bit the big one. You have nothing to apologize for in terms of feeling sad about losing your house. Grief is not competitive or comparative--losing a house is losing a dream, and I know that sometimes, it hurts more to lose a dream than to lose any other material thing.
I will assume that good things are on the horizon for you. I will assume, as Rilke assures us in Letters to a Young Poet, that sometimes, when these moments of sadness enter into us, we don't even know why, but they wind up bringing up things we cannot even imagine.
So, my wish for you is a new dream.
I'm glad you have a lovely place to call home though, and it will be a homecoming.
Beautifully written from your heart.
I wish all your plans had worked out for you but maybe some new plans are in order.
By the way, I took that first picture, and because I couldn't see your reflection but wanted to in the worst way, I copied it, put it through some CSI algorithm program that allowed me to blow the picture up and increase sharpness. There you were! I then printed it out on an enormous banner which I now have cover one wall of my studio with. So, not only are you in Miami, but you are also in New Jersey in some wacky guy's studio.
but on the flip side, this is all going somewhere. and that somewhere will mean changes and new things and that's always exciting and interesting. what jefferson said is gospel: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
and look around you...your little slice of Florida life is very sweet, indeed. Good luck to you.
From the pictures, I bet you make everyplace you live very special.
You don't have to apologize for being saddened when your dreams and expectations are forced to change. Whether we're rich or poor, we all have to deal with this at times. That's part of what makes us all more similar than we think. We ALL have to learn to readjust at times and find a positive and humble way to still be thankful for what we still have. Sounds like you're doing this just fine. Good luck, and keep being positive.
That is a tremendous loss.
Come visit in Orlando sometime. My living room will look real familiar down to the dining room table ;0)
Bill, I caught that rainbow after a summer storm.
Carol, I'll take your light and pass it on. Sounds like you have a good plan.
Bob, we can commiserate, along with Rand and so many other creative types.
George, part of what was so wonderful about the area was feeling like you were in a rural area, so close to the city. I enjoyed it.
Lorraine, thank you for such a beautiful wish. I hope so.
Ric, and how are you doing? Our hearts are with you.
Buffy, sometimes a move is just a move. And sometimes, as you say, it feels like a real loss.
oh jane, thank you for that. Pelicans are my third favorite birds --after penguins and puffins, and I do see lots.
Laurel, you are right. Especially if the studio was in Barcelona.
Duane, are you kidding me? I'm kind of speechless on this. I do hope you took to heart what we all wrote you the other day.
Dr. Spud, in the winter, I'm with you on that.
nofrills, I've learned that lesson from an early age.
aim, thanks. I always try to make my surroundings pleasant as I live and work at home. I'm a nester.
designanator, you got it. As I mentioned in your post about the Katonah museum, I was 10 minutes away. And I had a house in Pocantico Hills for many years.
noah, beautifully said. We have to learn to readjust to many things in life, and enjoy the good times while we have them.
LandP, melancholy is the right way to describe my feelings. A mix of things I can't explain. I was so proud of getting my life together after my husband's death, and I felt connected to the land around there.
Thanks, Gary. I will have to fly to visit Cary now, who lives and teaches in NYC.
cap'n, well said. I know I'm lucky there.
Dorinda, you know what I'm going to say: the porch awaits you.
Steve, thanks for stopping by.
When I bought the house I live in now, I defied all finaincial logic and paid cash for it. Damn, I'm glad I did, because I'm currently unemployed. The luck of the Irish.
Screamin, you are one of the comforters.
Owl, how appropriate to offer that gorgeous bird metaphor. It made me smile.
Be well at at peace always...
--rated--
Rolling, you are right. And I will look out at the view and have nice memories of my five years in the woods.
Mothership, such sweet words!
JK, it's not the stuff as much as the unrealistic dream to be near my family and such. I let that lead me too far.
the suffering in this country saddens me. Corporate greed and the politicians ineptitude took your dream. I am sorry for that; I wish you the best. Rated.
Mr M, let's hope we all learned something from these past years, all of us.
JK, yes at the time I seemed fine. Who knew. Or wanted to.
What a fond farewell to your dream place in Somers. So bittersweet your words and photos, I just felt so much of your loss with each paragraph and photo. I also feel so close to this reality for our near future and am like a deer in the headlights over how to empty a home in short order, when the ax falls. It is like an impending storm, off in the distance but as certain as the forecast of what is to come.
But we are all still lucky to have what we have and find more appreciation in down-sizing. To be able to down-size is a gift in and of itself. Consolidation of what is most important is one of the important lessons of life, in a temporary universe.
Maria, thanks. Onward and forward.
Patrick, will write about the skies in Miami from my place, sometime soon.
Cathy, good luck in your move, if it comes. Get as much support as possible.
It might happen to me, too (Like you, I'm lucky enough to have another place to live). As you also know, writers and perilous finances seem to go together like milk and cookies.
Bill's right, too (as usual): No one knows what the future brings.
A final thought: A good friend lost her condo not long ago and moved into a rented half of a house. I felt sorry for her until I saw the new place--a vast improvement over the condo! Obviously, you already know about life in your Miami condo. But you don't know what good things might be waiting for you there. I surely hope there are, at any rate.
Many things changed in the intervening years and we moved North to Bellingham, WA. The Summers that we spend with our grandson here are so lovely. The seasons bring reminders of life's process that I missed in California. I now can't imagine a different life, but that is not how I felt back then, not what I imagined for our life.
I feel certain that you will create a new plan for your life, head in a new direction and that the outcome will suit you and bring you and your family great happiness.
I loved the openness and the bright colors contrasting with the calm and spaciousness expressed in your condo.
Melissa, be careful. I find your part of Michigan one of the most delightful parts of the country. And you are delightful, so I may very well show up!
Mary, thanks for coming by. I always enjoy your supportive comments.
Susanne, you write great comments. I appreciate the encouragement, and the fact that you like my interiors in Somers.
this is a time of enormous loss for so many. and we can't even afford therapy or grief counseling.:) i've been given a 30 day notice of eviction so the fear is up up up. it's fine if i make no noise at all for the rest of time and my dogs never bark. i feel so blessed to have a roof over my head so to have that threatened.... shit.
i love you so much and my heart aches for this big loss, lea. but i have infinite hope and faith in the people i love so there will be bigger and better things ahead. love love lvoe and gratitude and i posted more Fatitude pics.
I don't know you as others here on OS do, but I have read and appreciated your work.
I meant to comment earlier in the day but work became urgent. The work? I have devolved from 20 years of selling real estate, working almost exclusively with what I affectionately call the lunch bucket crowd, into someone who in that same business now spends 90% of my time assisting people sell their houses short in lieu of losing them entirely to the banks through foreclosure.
Five years ago it was far more common when working with someone losing the house to see an arrogant person, sometimes a very calculating one, who had run up their consumer purchases and just didn't pay for the house. Some would actually consider and then execute bankruptcy as their business plan. Developing sympathy for them was next to impossible.
But now I am in contact with people from every walk of life. And many like you seem here, were optimistic, hopeful and full of plans and dreams. Not frivolous or evil schemes and plots, but just the sort that makes waking up the next day something to look forward to doing.
The whole "What the hell am I going to do?" meme has spread like wildfire. So I find myself sitting in people's living rooms, advising them how to do something I could still easily end up facing myself. They look at me like I have some sort of better plan, when in fact all I know is they need to swim, swim hard and don't look for the lifeline. The boat sunk, the survivors do not have enough life vests to share and the first wave was not the tsunami.
It can be truly heartbreaking.
My best to you.
Rod, thanks and Bill seems to have said the basics as many commenters have noted his words.
Donna, so good to see you. You haven't been around much lately. Thank you for your always elegant comments.
alsoknownas, you really touched me with this thoughtful comment. You have seen the difficulties close up. I fear they will last awhile.
It was a beautiful home, but the most beautiful part of it, YOU, you get to keep. And lucky for us, we get to keep you, too. :)
outsidemyself, your words are gentle and caring. Thank you.
jimmy, I'm at the door. How are you?
Shiral, thanks for the border compliment. I like it.
Athomepilgrim, thank you much.
latethink, yes I prefer to remember how happy I was when I bought it.
aphrabehn, I had a view of trees and grass in Somers, sky and water in NY. I'm glad to have the latter.
Bart, I'll try to make the most.
HellsBells, yes you know the feelings.
OR, as usual, too, too kind.
I admire your grace in acceptance
Now I like and have liked a lot of my stuff, I've accumulated lots of it at times and I've purged lots too. I've always love the saying, "don't sweat the small stuff, ---- and it's all small stuff."
In the end all of it is just "stuff" and as you well know, what is really important are the people we care for and our own good health. I've often thought that as part of our "education" we should have to live as a disabled person, unable to go wash ourselves and go to the toilet, reliant upon a wheelchair or blind, or deaf, so that we could appreciate how valuable our personal health truly is, and how important it is to give those who are disabled as much assistance as we can so that they can live their lives as productively, independently, and with as much dignity as possible, because in reality all of us are just one bad dice throw away from disaster. A car accident, a heart attack or stroke, loss of a job, a hurricane, death of a loved one, mental illness; life is full of land mines that can blow us to bits, one way or the other.
I worry not at all about you Leah because I am certain that if you had one suitcase full of your clothes and you were off on a trip, and you were told that your current and only home was now gone, you might sob for a moment, but you would most likely carry on with the rest of your trip! And not one person who knew you would be surprised to know this.
Ablonde, that is one of the kindest comments I have ever had. Thank you so much; you always add so much thought and insight to a posting.
P. S. Does this move mean that I've missed my window of opportunity to meet you in New York?
You're sweet to acknowledge that you're lucky, that other folks have it harder... but I think it's okay to grieve as well. Beautiful picture at the end. Wishing you all good things.
Lisa, I know you've had some rocky times, but I'll be coming into NY all the time to visit --we can get together any time you say so!
Thanks, Patricia. Hope your trip has been memorable in more ways than one.
GJI, I'm glad things are turning around for you!
Annette, I think you're right. Someone always has it harder, but that doesn't take away from your own feelings of sadness. That's why I posted this. Sigh.
Silk, yes, I'm fine, but yes I put lots of my heart into that place.
I can sympathize with the lose, as well as the feeling that you still have something as well as better off than most. Nothing in life is permanent and you were fortunate to some time with that special place, than perhaps never having had it at all. We only borrow slices of time in our lives such as borrowing that time in New York. The personal touches you put on the condo were beautifully done a part of that experience which you will always have.
But loses should always come with some perspective and that you have shown to be so in your writing. My loses have all been small when I compare them to what others have had.
In two weeks we begin our music camp on the River. Each of the last two years we have had a reminder of just how fortunate we have been in our life.
Last year I asked a man who had been an exceptional musician at one time stay at the camp. I had avoided him for a number of years as he had become an alcoholic and unreliable. I recently found the tragic reasons for his excessive drinking. Ted had to care for his mother as she was dying from Huntington's Chorea, the disease that killed Woody Guthrie. He knew he had a 90% chance of getting the disease and he drank trying to escape. But he couldn’t escape it. You don’t out run something like this. Ted musical skills have deteriorated substantially but last year he was still able to play and had the drive now to be around music and people who play at least until he could play no more.
He was giving a gift of himself with a joy few of us would have knowing we had a fatal crippling disease that would take years to kill. No longer drinking he was a delight and approached each day carrying his custom built 5 string viola, mandolin or guitar that a highly regarded luthier built just for him. His skills have been substantially impaired, no more is he one of the best fiddle, mandolin and guitar players around. What is left is a passion to play like he never had before.
This year a student from last year will be at the camp the first night, the instructor’s concert night and opening jam. Billy will not be able to attend the remainder of the camp as he begins chemo for his lung cancer. Last year he was one of our many bright spots, it was his third year at the camp, the year he blossomed and wrote a few songs that were quite good. His lung cancer diagnoses came three months later, and surgery soon after and treatment with radiation. Billy wants to be around his music friends community friends before he begins chemo, he is positive. He sang at his first open mic last week since he was diagnosed. His prospects appear to be good. He looks at life now as precious with few moments left that need to be cherished.
Billy and Ted are a part of what makes our music camp special and remind you that the world is only as good as you want to make it. T
Rainbows can have a pot of gold in them, but you have to look in the right places and that may not be at the end of the rainbow, it will be just were you wish to find it.
If it's any comfort, think how lucky we are to have had the places we miss. The best thing about moving on is having been where we move on from.
Thanks, Emma. I know you have had some tough times over the years and understand loss.
I, too, just had to let go of a much-loved home, albeit voluntarily. It has been wrenching; I cannot imagine how much more so it is for you. I'm so sorry, and wish I could change this for you.
NotWhoYou'dExpect, I guess your empathy is pretty strong. Sorry for your loss, too.
Here's hoping that the path you have been pushed on is a fortuitous one!
Life is long and filled with unexpected changes. I have a feeling you'll reconnect with this in a different way at a different time. ;)