In 2010 I do NOT resolve to:
1…Stop reading the tabloids at the checkout counter. Forget it. I need to read something besides OS. I’ve already stopped reading newspapers, magazines, books and grocery lists.
2…Drink less. I don’t drink that much. Only about a glass. An hour. OK, a big glass.
3…Tell the truth about my age. I will just pretend I have swallowed a bone and endure the Heimlich maneuver to distract the questioner.
4…Stop pinching my granddaughters’ cheeks. I like to and will in fact probably pinch all four cheeks, top and bottom, as long as I can.
5…Exercise more. This country already has too many hard-asses.
6…Learn to play bridge. I don’t play games named after infrastructures.
7…Become more independent. Been there, done that. Make that overdone that. I met a nice guy. Gimme a break.
8…Go to my high school reunion. I didn’t like most of my classmates back then and I doubt I will like them any better bald, with beer bellies (and those are the women).
9…Clean out my closet. No, I will not. Poodle skirts may still come back into style.
10..Cook more. I’m using my kitchen sink as a planter. Why spoil the arrangement?
11..Lose 15 pounds. When I do resolve to lose weight I don’t. So if I don’t resolve to, maybe I will. (OK, this is just an excuse to eat key lime pie.)
12..Quit smoking. Why should I? I don’t smoke.
13..Learn Spanish. It’s too damn late. I can’t even remember English.
14..Stop watching The Housewives of Orange County. I hate them too much to ever leave them.
15..Become a vegetarian. I resolve this almost every January 1. And then I crave a lamb chop January 2 and I'm chomping on the bone by January 3.
16..Drink soy milk. I dislike any food that means “I am” in Spanish. (Maybe I will change my mind on #13.)
17..Stop wearing my old sweater with a hole in it. Who cares? We’re supposed to be cutting back.
18..Eat lite cheese. I love heavy cheese. I’d rather gain weight (see # 11).
19..Stop traveling so much. I will never do that. Nada. Nope. Off the table. Beats other addictions, I think.
20..Clean the cat’s litter box every day. Do I clean my toilet every day?
21..Floss more. I always resolve this. It’s trite. Maybe I’ll floss my cat’s teeth more. Then she won’t mind the dirty litter box.
22..Sleep eight hours. Six and a half will do. So much to do, so little time.
23..Drink eight glasses of water. What’s so special about the number eight anyway?
24..Stay friends with people who think Sarah Palin would make a great president. Come to think about it, I don’t have any of these friends. Even on Facebook.
25..Stop going to OS 10 times a day. I’d rather drink eight glasses of water and drink soy milk.
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Comments
Love the list!
I pretty much agree with everything else on there, though. Especially the high school reunion part and why you wouldn't attend. I thank my lucky stars I don't know where ANY of them are (maybe jail).
I thought about an "opposite" list for resolutions too. It made sense to me, as I never make resolutions anyway.
:-)
In view of recent events, I'm shying away from any more lists for awhile. I'd like to write more, and get off my ass and lose the weight I gained when I quit smoking 18 months ago. I'm hoping that sex will help with both of these goals.
Speaking once more about "recent events," I do think it important that you practice full disclosure here. Did you, or did you not receive a PM from Judy Berman or another Salon official requesting that you compose the above list? I like your list, it's witty and written with your typical outstandingness, but I think it only right that you reveal if you created it, or were requested to by the "powers that be."
Sheila, great meeting you the other day, and yes there are no absolutes but I do mean these to the max.
Kathy, I also don't play games with little black rectangles named after pizza companies.
Sorry Boa but 2 isn't true. My addiction is the road.
jen, borrow them and add 25 more. They're fun to do.
spotted, I do think it's much more fun to put your foot down than try to accomplish the often impossible and feel terrible about it another year.
Thanks, Duane. I've been called worse.
Patricia, I'm thinking, I'm thinking. No leads yet, but going back over the evidence. (The rest of you please get back to whatever you were doing. We are having a bit of detective play.)
maybe i'll make a list. it's sure to have something to do with sex and love and food. what else is there in life [smiling slyly]?
Oh, no, don't drink soy milk! Did you know many people are allergic to soy and don't know it? And it's in virtually everything in one form or another. Nasty stuff.
Thanks, Roger. And a happy, continually healthy new year to you, too.
Susan, I went to one reunion, and those of us who showed up all looked better than we had in high school. Now, I have a feeling I wouldn't recognize most of the people and it would be too shocking.
I resolve to stop making resolutions. THAT one I can keep.
Have a WONDERFUL new year, Lea! I am so happy about your new love, and I haven't even met him! Happy for you.
Monte
Cranky, I've only got one cat and she eats dry food. I can make it for two days before gagging.
Jimmy, you'll find a way. You always seem to. And a great NY to you.
sagemerlin, glad I just made it under the wire.
Michael! So glad you came by! Yes, plants thrive in dirty dishes.
Silk, I'm amazed to say I get it. Just don't resolve to stop writing about Mad Men!
Thanks for the Anti Resolutions Resolution!
High school reunions, huh? Never been. But I confess that I did see my old high school alumni online site, which said I could sign up to see the names of others from my year. So I did. And I was the only one on the list. I guess that means I'm the only one left....
Think I'll have a glass (bottle-shaped) of wine!
~R
R
Me...I don't do resolutions!
Btw, I will not stop saying and/or in 2010. I might have to do one of these lists myself though. And/or two. Great to be back on the cover with you, girlfriend. :)
Greg, you certainly are succinct!
Hawley, you don't have to wait that long. I'll do one next year.
trig, I always say it's more fun to confuse people when you ultimately make sense.
Connie, there's always that side to me. I think I have four sides.
O'Kathryn, that's another sad thing about late reunions, so many not still around.
geekycougar, love your name and your attitude.
fusanA, I didn't know there was a group.
John, I'm surprised it isn't urine in a honey jar, from what you tell us!
Emma, I compile lists all the time. I just forget to write them down.
You nailed the funny with this one. Truly. And on a more serious note life is way to short to ever eat "lite" cheese or to sleep eight hours a night.
Rated and appreciated.
BTW, the whole "Eight glasses of water a day" thing has suddenly been found to NOT be so good for you after all. Gotta love science. :-D
Rated. Hope you have a marvelously Happy New Year with the new fella.
Brian, there seems to be a load of them on this site.
Sally, "In your-face" me? I don't always show my full face, but love doing it.
Thanks Jill and Dennis. And agree life *is* to short for less than the best possible.
Nikki, thanks for stopping by and hope you're having fun. Sorry I scooped you. Great minds, and all that. ;)
Travis, I agree. It probably pulled you over here.
Chuck, I'll stick to 2%, thank you very much. Happy New Year back.
Beth, you're my rocking idol. Keep writing, I'll keep reading. HNY.
Bill, I figured that about the eight glasses of water. Years ago, we just drank when we got thirsty and didn't carry it around like we were in the Sahara.
You're so much fun!
Dr. Spud, but it's true.
Steve, would you really have time to play bridge considering you're a doctor and a regular here? Besides, you may be bitchin" but you're not pissy.
Melissa, Sharon and Nana, thanks and yes I do kinda like life and can stick to this.
Jane, just stick to the upper cheeks and you should be ok with most kids.
L&P, there's *nothing* like the softness of an old sweater, especially if it's cashmere.
Clean the cat’s litter box every day. Do I clean my toilet every day?
A great! post, Lea. But those two limes (above) absolutely stand-up comic material. Superb!!!! {{{R}}}
Ahhh! I really needed to hear someone say that. Me too - I've tried a couple times and it never sticks.
Great list and Happy New Year!
Gee, thanks Rod. I always wanted to do standup and maybe there's still time.
Ann, I like your logic, I think. And have a nice glass of soy milk and think of me.
designanator, thanks. You keep me connected to NY.
WSFTC, cute shoes go with tiaras. Just sayin' :)
Harvey, sounds like it may be a turn on for you, Harvey. Is this a case of projection?
Sparking, it's so hard to keep up, let alone learn a new language. Maybe in my next life.
Witty, and humorous ones are such a pleasure...
Happiest of dreams come true on the newest of years ahead Lea...
Bonne Annee!
Wow, such a moderate drinker!
bendanbendan, get the hell out of here. Read Lonnie's post. :)
Bonne annee to you too, Patrick.
Alexis and Owl, thank you so much. And Happy New Year.
Deborah, interesting derivation. Anyway, eight glasses of water makes me pee all day.
Lisa, not sure except I didn't leave any space between the numbers and the start of the list.
Deborah, my sentiments exactly. I only go to gyms with tvs.
LL2, does that mean you *will* stop going to OS 10x a day? Or won't? I just can't.
Wise decision, Karin. I don't bother either.
So glad you're back, David. Happy New Year.
trilody, great observation. Should be bendan, bendan, bendan, bendan.
Reese, simply, thanks!
Here's hoping you have a successful 2010!
scanner, what took you so long?
I find I've become more of a hard-ass ass my actual ass has gotten softer.
Happy happy Lea.
happy new year, Lea!
Solid list.
Hmm, they say "you are" what you eat, don't they? :~)
Seriously, I've made zillions of stir-frys with tofu. And I know a place in town that makes great burgers!