Lea Lane

Lea Lane
Location
Florida, USA
Birthday
August 26
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freelance writer/editor
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“I’ve discovered the secret of life,” Kay Thompson, the eccentric entertainer and “Eloise” author, once said. “A lot of hard work, a lot of sense of humor, a lot of joy and a lot of tra-la-la!” And that's been my life: As a travel writer for over 30 years, I've been around the block (more like around the world), and I write true stories about interesting people and places. I've lived an unconventional life in conventional trappings. Been a corporate VP, worked with foster kids, acted in an Indie ("Nurse 1"), was on Jeopardy!. I've been managing editor of a travel publication, written for the Times, and authored books. OS is my home, but I also blog on The Huffington Post, and I've contributed (mostly anonymously) to everything from encyclopedias to guidebooks. Married young, divorced late; married late, widowed early, I dated lots in-between -- and survived a scary illness. After being happily, peacefully solo for many years, I'm now happily married again. I founded and still edit www.sololady.com, a lifestyle Website for single women. I'm truly grateful for each precious day, each well-earned wrinkle, my family, my cat. Truth, laughter, friendship, late love. And this blog -- on this wonderful site!

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JANUARY 27, 2010 4:19PM

Forget the iPad. How About the iPuke? The iPeek? Etc

Rate: 49 Flag

  apple_logo_rainbow_6_color

 

We’ve gotten used to the iPod and the iPhone; now here comes the iPad. In the coming years I assume we can look forward to a host of other magic gadgets, solving problems with alliterative names:

The iPop Pops corn while you watch movies. Also tells you to come home by 11 or you can’t have the car.

The iPit  Removes pits from fruit, so that you can eat healthfully and text at the same time.

The iPitt  Simulates hunky Hollywood dudes of choice, including Brad Pitt and George Clooney (would have been called the iClooney, but didn’t have the same alliterative zing).

The iPoke Gets people’s attention when they’re too involved with their other gadgets.

The iPox  Vaccinates you against all poxs, flus, and fevers, including denge.

The iPuke Rehabilitates bulemics.

The iPoop  Helps you evacuate in perfect form.

The iPeep  Lets you look into people’s bedrooms. Also incubates chicks.

The iPat  Gives encouragement when you’re feeling down.

The iPlay  Cures workaholics.

The iPrank Plays practical jokes on your friends and co-workers.

The iProd Gets couch potatoes up and running.

The iPsyche Listens to your emotional problems and helps you embrace them.

The iPrep Cuts veggies and helps you get into Ivy League schools.

The iPot Allows you to cook veggies (see above), while procuring illegal substances.

The iPet Waits for you at the door with slippers.

The iPutt Helps with your golf game.

The iPep Takes the place of Red Bull and other energy drinks.

The iPlop See iPoop above.

The iPrez Makes our president keep his promises.

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Too funny...the iRate for the lazy blog reader :)
iCaramba - Exclaims for you when the flippin' iPhone self-corrects uninvited. (OK, it's not an iP- but I got nothin')

Love yours!!!
iPass - gets you around that slow moving chicken truck without mess or stress. Also allows you to skip an answer (or, if playing a game, skip a turn) with no repercussions.
I do not have any others, and this list will really put me behind technologically speaking. But they really are all good ideas, just kinda cold and plastic and glassy.
There's got to be the iPad mini for those "lighter days".

iPlotz: For all the news that makes you want to die.

iPull: When you have gas and are too lazy to stick out your finger.

God help me. I know I'll come back to this. Funny, funny, funny.
iPark: Helps old people find their cars.
Lea,
This was wonderfully funny stuff. Thank you so much. iPop's, iPeep's and iPrep's dual functions, were especially witty.

Personally I prefer the free and fully functional iPause which renders me unable to purchase new Apple releases until the software geeks up and the price comes down.
Rated and very much appreciated.
You guys are hilarious. And Jane, iPost would be especially useful here!
iPfffffft! - for registering distain.
iSex... Play by yourself or play with some friend(s).
There's the iPissed for squelching bloviating pundits.
iPutz for squleching outlandish politicial
iPolish for sucking up to you boss.
iProof - for proofreading comments before ya send 'em.
Sheep, iPolish could also be a repository of lame ethnic jokes.
iPluck - for those of us Greeks with full eyebrows...
iGasm? Or does it have to start with a P? OMG I have suddenly feeling very uncomfortable..
iPluck could also be handy for those chicks incubated in iPeep. And a helpful gadget for independent girls.
iPee - Applications for detection of pregnancy, drug-use, glucose levels, and certain infections. In R&D - application for prostate relief.
iPoke - ::@@::!!

iPoach - for stealing stuff, or cooking eggs.
iSmoke - so I can smoke again, without all the unhealthy consequences. Though I guess that's kind of like those electric cigarettes. Has anyone tried those? They're kind of incredible. They work!

Anyway, Lea, very clever. I bet this one gets passed around.

I like iCaramba. Ha...and iPit.
iPoof - Makes unpleasant guests disappear.
No it doesn't have to start with a P-- yours is extremely useful Natalie (and anything but mundane) but that has me thinking of naughty bits that do start with "P."
iProse for those days when you just need to write but can't think of a thing to say.

iPan for frying up that low-fat sustainable wild salmon patty when you just can't get off the couch.

iPork for when you just gotta watch one more episode with Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show. Also useful for recording earmarks for your state during election season.

Thanks for the laugh out loud post, Lea!
The iPee - reminds you to take your prostate medication.
The iPass. It lets you go outside and enjoy real life.
The iPee would be a good match with the iPod!
If we're gonna rank these, I vote for ocular's suggestion as #1!
Agree. Ocular's is extra-clever. Could also be used for the fast lane on the expressway.

And how about iPassport? You wouldn't have to renew.
The iPad for legal fees and business expenses.
too many clever ones.

iPush - might be helpful for pregnant women
iPray - for agnostics and those not currently aligned
iPan - for either cooking or movie reviewing
iPonder - when you're too tired to think deep philosophical thoughts without help
Lea--

Scroll down to #8.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_the-25-most-disturbing-sex-toys_p2.html
Whoops, sorry, should have said #10.
It’s killing me that the iPeep means two totally different things – one of which can result in your incarceration! Too funny.

I’d buy the iDrive (without regard to price!) so I don’t always have to be the designated driver.
Leeandra, interesting link. Makes me think they come out with

iPleasure, to give you what you want when you want it.
David, as you and others have done, lets move it past the "P's into any letter. There are so many other possibilities that way!

And thanks everyone, especially you multiples. Maybe we can catch Steve Jobs eye and he can hire us for future projects. That would be the
iDream Lets you fantasize!
Brilliant iNSIGHT to the iCRAZE that surrounds us in the technological world.
Thanks for this.. good times.
iRATED for humorous value.
Very clever and funny and I've nothing to add to this list. R
What? No iPap? With a little smear?

Then of course, there's the iPout, for, well, whatever.... it's kind of self-explanatory.

Stepping away from the computer.....
wait - did we see the iPanic yet? For when you get those pesky anxiety attacks?

or iPest, which could be used to get rid of your cockroaches or your mother-in-law
Then there's:
iPope, for lapsed Catholics who want a pope in their pocket, and speaking of pockets ...
iPocket, for those who need one so that their pants can fit better and they don't carry a purse, which leads to
iPurse, for those who don't want overstuffed ones (as I have just posted about!--shameless plug), which reminds me of the
iPlug, for instant drain stoppage or
iPlumber, so you don't have to call one ...

But we can do more than "P"s ....
The iPalin - translates ex-guvs speech into English.
ipap--saves you a trip to the gyno.
iped--instant pedicure with extra long massage.
ipack--packs all your clothes and toiletries for your trip.
oh, this is fun! Love this ipost!!
I have the first iRipVanWinkle.

Charo's is the i-aye-aye.

The one I'm waiting for is the iNevergetacallthatgoeslikehellothisisbloodyericwhothefuckisthisbuddythehellyousay

I'm ploppin' down folding money for that one.
I see O'Really thought of the ipap already--of course she beat me to that one!
iPan: Autogenerates scathing reviews of movies, theatre, and tv shows you hate.

iPunt: Whips up important assignments you'd completely forgotten about until the day they're due.

iProwl: Cougar-assist technology that surreptitiously scans young men's trouser snakes.

iPfeh: Doesn't give a damn about anything.
Lets just go ahead and say it: A dildo you can count on: won't stop until you come The ifuck.

-R-
Nikki-- you and O'Really are on a roll!

Verbal, iPan could also be used in the kitchen with

iPam-- keeps the iPan from sticking.

And Lady Miko, we can always count on you to get to what counts --and what will sell more than an any iPhone! :)
Mon Dieu! Look at the madness you've started Lea...RRR
Patrick, I just wanted to smile, going in to the president's state of the union. Need the laughs!
(Tha)iPad -- Pad Thai, to your door, 24/7.
iPlant - Starts your seeds in the garden
iSteer - Autopilot for those too clueless to keep their hands on the wheel
iPlug - Breath-activated device that shuts your mouth to keep you from putting your foot in it when you've had one too many

I want one of those iPranks. ;)
Mmmmmm. The iPie. For a tasty warm slice of pie on demand.

And some days, I could use a nice iPal, who would tell me everything will be alright.
Love this! Tried to read all the comments but you all outdid yourselves on this one. Did anyone come up with...

iGuy and the iGal? Electronic dates you can turn on and off at will.

iKvetch, records all phone calls from your mother.
Screw alliterative zing. I want an iClooney.
Nope Sally, but Yiddish terms go so well, such as in --- oyPhone
iParent: for those "I can't even remember how to do this without a calculator" homework woes. It will tell your child "No", "Take a shower", "Finish that call, didn't you talk to her at school today?", and "Do you think money grows on trees?" at regular intervals. It will also have eyes on the back of it.
iPander: for pols to increase their polls
iPolls: for pols to judge their panders
iCandy: for your sweet tooth (I know, no p)
iSpy: for the CIA
Ann, I'm with you.

V, I especially like the feature with eyes in back of the iParent, kind of like the two camera faces on the iPad.

iCandy is a natural, Pilgrim.
iMmaculate - replaces the maid and butler, and ensures that your look is clean before you walk out the door. Application available for conception without the messy relationships.
I C U have a lot free time. This post has been an iOpener. R
iPunt -- the device consulted by BHO to pursue his political agenda
iPaw: Because even your pets deserve a cell phone!
iToon: Generates your favorite animated character for those one night stands . . . or prom night.
Tom, iPunt was already done, but not in the context of punting on the one-yard line.

iPussy may be what we will wind up calling him, alas.
Lea, this is so funny! I love the ones in the comments, too. Here's my contribution to the fun:

iPack - Packs your suitcase and rehabilitates wayward dogs
iPoof - Gives your hairdo an instant lift
iPick - for people who have a hard time choosing between one thing and another
iPill - cures your computer virus and reminds you to take your birth control

@sixtycandles - your comment almost made me bust a lung from laughing so hard!
Great. Now create the apps and get rich!
IPad Thai! Download some good food! xox
iPlot -- for blocked writers.
I just wonder if the iPad comes with wings?

Hee hee hee. Mac's iPad. hee hee hee

How about the iYar? Like the apple version of Pirate Day?

iSit--For those days when you just need to rest.

iSnark--For those days you just can't come up with a witty rejoinder.
Then there is the iBall for when you need to keep an i on things.
Keep your i on the iBall.
Dengue? Really? I knew I shouldn't have canceled my subscription to Lancet.
iPanema: Generates mindless pop songs that will haunt humanity for generations.

(Great post!!)
After a night's sleep I have a few more:

iPlod, for non-techies who don't get it so easily

iPreen, with mirror, for narcissists

iPhuck, for those who fake it.
I really like the idea of the iPad. Although it seems like it does not have Adobe Flash in it. I hope it has the regular Adobe reader so I can keep reading my ebooks online.

how to get rid of a yeast infection
Not clever enough this early in the morning, but I love your iprez. We need it asap. Funny post Lea.
The iPun - to drive friends and colleagues crazy when you can't think of any more yourself...
very good.

Here's mine:

iLie: portable device that vibrates/ringtones when you lie.

iMoe: when your friends do something stupid the device goes "woopwoopwoop" and slaps them both. Alternate settings include pulling their hair out and poking them in the eye. Attachments include hammers, breakaway plates, and plumbing.
If you your friends get the compatible iCurly and ILarry, you can do interactive games.

iJerk: um, well, it's a personal hygiene device.

iClap: when you sit thru a whole State of the Union speech and palms get red and sore.
iClose: for insomniacs!!!


I win !!!!

;)
You all are amazing. And Greg, yes you win, ok???
if you're dropping the "p" rule, what about:
iSpy - for government, corporate or personal use
I demure. ThaiPad is better.

And how could I have not connected iPoke with the three stooges? Blew that one.
Harvey, iThankyou.

And Greg, yes, thaiPad is hard to beat.
Hysterical.

iPredict Apple will steal all of your ideas.
Crap I am always so late to the party.

iDunno.......for the idiots out there----an opportunity for them to simply own up to it.
iPrimp--the can't live without it fast personal grooming tool--can't leave the house without it.

iPlotz, which is what I needed after seeing Scott Brown take Teddy Kennedy's old seat, and what Ted Kennedy WOULD have done if he hadn't done it already.
You late-comers have lots to add! How about:

iPump, for handshakes that matter, and to get water in an emergency.

iPlump, if you want to lose weight.
en ,it is great,This was wonderfully funny stuff. Thank you so much. iPop's, iPeep's and replica watchdual functions, were especially witty.