Our great country honors just about everybody: couples on Valentine's Day, mothers, fathers, grandparents, secretaries. presidents, laborers. Even groundhogs.
How about a tribute to singles who live independently and who bear the burden of higher per-capita taxes, single supplements, tables by the toilet, awful blind dates, pitiful looks by passersby as they walk alone in the evening, and endless questions about their happiness?
Ignored by many couples and diminished by right-wing evangelicals, singles need to be recognized, and yes, even honored.
Herewith some suggestions to create a new American holiday, finally acknowledging the sacrifices and accomplishments of about half of our adult citizens. I would call it:
July Third, the day before the other Independence Day. The two would be symbiotic. People could celebrate with independents the first day and larger groups the next.
Ways to celebrate
Parades in urban areas where singles live could feature floats with animatronics honoring iconic independents throughout history, such as President James Buchanan (unfortunately rated the worst in history, not counting Dubya), and alone-time appreciators Henry David Thoreau (who went to the woods), Henry James (who went to England), and Emily Dickenson (who pretty much stayed in her room).
The parade would climax with in-person solo notables such as Ralph Nader, Gloria Steinem, Derek Jeter and Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomeyer.
And a bunch of single young things, of course, would wave happily for eye-candy.
Music could be programmed on individual iPods, so that everyone could march to their own drummer, so to speak. TV marathons that day and night could focus on past and present shows featuring singles, such as That Girl, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Sex and the City, and The Bachelor/ Bachelorette.
Happy Hour would be extended to Happy Day at bars and restaurants, in gratitude for loyal single patrons, who would be given choicest seating, for a change.
A poem with a theme glorifying solitude would be written and read by the poet laureate (Who is the poet laureate? Do we still have one? Maybe we should skip this one.)
Food for The Fourth usually includes fried chicken, burgers, watermelon and strawberry shortcake are traditions.
But there's plenty of choice left.
Distinctive fare for Independents Day might include Appletinis, pomegranate margaritas, screw-topped mini wines, Stella Artois beer chugged from the bottle, cosmos, mojitos, Boca protein burgers, Chinese take-out, microwave-warmed pizza, and Ben and Jerry's spooned from the carton.
With so many family events over the years, solos usually give more gifts than they receive. Some ideas gifting solos include a subscription for match.com, a cat, a full- body massage, a small George Forman grill, a complete set of china, silver and crystal for one, video games, sex toys, a book of crossword puzzles, handyman services for a year.
And the best bling for a single gal, a solitaire right-hand diamond ring.
Logo: That solo lady in the harbor, The Statue of Liberty, holding a sparkler instead of a torch, symbolizing the sparkling personas we often present when we wish we were somewhere else.
Bumper sticker slogan: "I vant to be alone," actress Greta Garbo's supposed wish, or "Put a ring on it," Beyonce's comment.
Theme song: "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson or "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.
Colors: Puce, ecru, chartreuse and heliotrope (representing independent taste). Besides, red, white and blue are taken.
Possible Independents Day spokespersons: George Clooney and Joan Walsh (or George Clooney and any single female).
So that's it. I've thought of just about everything to celebrate the independent adults among us. I've been single much of my adult life, and may be again. Why not get some official respect on Independents Day right before Independence Day?
I declare it a new holiday!