Lea Lane

Lea Lane
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“I’ve discovered the secret of life,” Kay Thompson, the eccentric entertainer and “Eloise” author, once said. “A lot of hard work, a lot of sense of humor, a lot of joy and a lot of tra-la-la!” And that's been my life: As a travel writer for over 30 years, I've been around the block (more like around the world), and I write true stories about interesting people and places. I've lived an unconventional life in conventional trappings. Been a corporate VP, worked with foster kids, acted in an Indie ("Nurse 1"), was on Jeopardy!. I've been managing editor of a travel publication, written for the Times, and authored books. OS is my home, but I also blog on The Huffington Post, and I've contributed (mostly anonymously) to everything from encyclopedias to guidebooks. Married young, divorced late; married late, widowed early, I dated lots in-between -- and survived a scary illness. After being happily, peacefully solo for many years, I'm now happily married again. I founded and still edit www.sololady.com, a lifestyle Website for single women. I'm truly grateful for each precious day, each well-earned wrinkle, my family, my cat. Truth, laughter, friendship, late love. And this blog -- on this wonderful site!

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SEPTEMBER 16, 2010 8:28AM

Who Should Repent on Friday? (You Don't Have to Be Jewish)

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repentance11 

http://dialogues.stjohndfw 

 

Failure to repent is much worse than sin. One may have sinned for but a moment, but may fail to repent of it moments without number.      Chasidic saying, from the book, Day by Day by Chaim Stern

 

Which public figures should ask for forgiveness for the bad behaviors of the past year? C'mon guys, you know who. And they don't have to be Jewish.

On Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement which begins at sundown on Friday, Jews around the world repent for the past year's sins, wiping the slate clean for another year. I don't attend temple services, although I used to be a rabbi's wife. But I know about this holiday. And Jews in almost all of the 800 or so Reform congregations in the States -- almost a million people -- use the prayerbook my late husband Rabbi Chaim Stern wrote and edited, Gates of Repentance.

But this year, how about anybody who acted out badly seeking some repentance as a way to start clearing the hateful air? It would be a start to change the poisonous atmosphere of the times.

(In fact, our own Mary Kelly wrote a post yesterday, asking forgiveness for past mistakes as a mom. I'm not sure she realized that this is a time of year when Jews repent for the sins they have committed in the previous year.) 

This Day of Atonement would be a fitting time for some of the worst offenders -- non-Jews as well -- to show some true repentance, more than the standard, often insincere, often forced "I'm sorry if I made anyone upset."

And here's an example of  real repentance can be done, by a President. 

In 1998 President Clinton had offered a weak apology for the Monica Lewinsky situation. The public didn't buy it. So he offered a stronger, introspective apology at a prayer breakfast in Washington, with an acknowledgment of the need to change. He mentioned that a friend had given him a copy of Gates of Repentance, and mentioned some of his childhood traumas, and then quoted from one of the book's passages:

Now is the time for turning. The leaves are beginning to turn from green to red to orange. The birds are beginning to turn and are heading once more toward the south. The animals are beginning to turn to storing their food for the winter. For leaves, birds and animals, turning comes instinctively. But for us, turning does not come so easily.

A week later, on September 18, the president sent my husband the manuscript of that speech. As he wrote in the accompanying letter: "I deeply appreciate ... Gates of Repentance. As you know I was very moved by the passage on "turning," and I thank you for your wisdom and spiritual inspiration." (Read more about this in the NYT article here.)

True repentance is more than an apology. It does require "turning," a real effort to change bad behavior. As Chaim wrote in the prayer book: "What is genuine repentance? When an opportunity for transgression occurs and we resist it, not out of fear or weakness, but because we have repented."

Here are the sins, wrongdoings and transgressions we all commit at some time or another, listed alphabetically from Gates of Repentance and read at Yom Kippur services:

The sins of arrogance, bigotry and cynicism; of deceit and egotism, flattery and greed, injustice and jealousy.

Some of us kept grudges, were lustful. Malicious, or narrow-minded.Others were obstinate or possessive, quarrelsome, rancorous, or selfish.There was violence, weakness of will, xenophobia.We yielded to temptation, and showed zeal for bad causes.

I can think of many people in the news who have made weak apologies or none at all for those very wrongdoings this past year. For starters, I suggest these non-Jews follow President Clinton's lead, and atone in this season of change:

-- Rush Limbaugh, for maligning the president and stirring up racism

-- Glenn Beck, for being a rabble-rousing hypocrite

-- Sarah Palin, for inciting hatred and for lying

-- Terry Jones,who put this country at risk, threatening to to burn the Quran 

-- Newt Gingrich, for so many reasons, and because he should know better

-- Mel Gibson, for his abuse of almost everybody 

-- And the teabaggers who spew bigotry with words and signs

And that's just a start.

I know you can think of other notable transgressors of this past year. They can resist repeating their offenses by making amends and turning their behavior on this Day of Atonement. A way to start afresh in a country that badly needs it. 

 


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OEsheepdog, for hating the Yankees, Jets and Giants. I shouldn't hate them, just dislike them.

As for pointing figures at others, I can't do that. I have so many flaws, I'm ineligible for throwing others under the bus.
Sheep, I just think that so many public figures just brush off their bad behavior with forced 'apologies.". We could use a day of true repentance for all of us. I have my own list of transgressions, but I don't think I've affected the world too much.
I hardly have time to worry about theirs for counting my own.

I wish so many weren't tied down by the iron cables of this or that doctrine and could just exist on the ebb and flow of all the peace-making and soul-lifting threads that pull through all walks of spiritual life. What an amazing people we would be.
I'm in no position to call others to repentance. But if I were, I wouldn't have to go far. It's a weighty topic, Lea, and I'm afraid it's an easy temptation to want to be flippant with it and respond with humor, like ABC should repent for getting rid of Samantha Harris on DWTS. That would be a different post.

Aside, I can say that I would like to have known your former husband. You speak so warmly and graciously of him and he seems to have been a man among men. No doubt you are better for having loved him, as he was you. Thanks for a thoughtful post on the eve of Yom Kippur. You have now placed me in a reflective mood as the weekend approaches.
Well, there's always me myself. But I seem to be piling up new transgressions at an alarming rate.
christine o'donnell of delaware for, um, nearly everything she says even though it's not per se hurtful, just astonishingly ill-informed. sorry. i watched rachel maddow last night and o'donnell is just stuck in my head.

and me. i'm going to really try not just to repent for the cruel things i said (and thought mostly, but i think that still counts) about people but not to do it (as much; i'm a realist) in future. that stuff will eat you from the inside out. great piece, lea.
Brad Keena for occasional (occasional? alright, quite a few) negative swipes at establishment politics, politicians, parties, and other otherwise political prostitutes. I'll try to think introspectively and consider my own human failings before pointing at others.
[Repentence is hard. Mortification of self is counterintuitive. Maybe I do have to be Jewish to get it right - I'll think about that. But I still intend to make that u-turn.]
A beautiful post. I have always focused - inappropriately - on the question of reinstatement in the book of life, and never quite sufficiently focused on repentance.

However, repentance also requires a repentance for repentance for, when you repent, you take yourself to task and, having taken yourself to task, you have again committed the sin of self-awareness.

Among the sufis, who learned this from the kabbalists in 12-13 the century Spain, there are three stages of repentance, the first being the confrontation with one's own negative impulses...which means literally focusing on one's "sins", concentrating on them until they overwhelm you with their perfidy. (This is called the nafs-iammara or the inciting nafs. The word nafs itself comes from the Hebrew "nefesh")

The second stage begins when the contemplation of one's sins becomes self-indictment or self accusation (nafs-i-lawwama). This is the stage at which contemplation begins. The final stage is the nafs (which can be defined as the "self") at peace (nafs-i-mutma'inna) which begins when your aspirations and your inclinations are brought into harmony with each other. This is the state of rest, also called acceptance.

The shame of our present situation is that, in essence, the estoric Jew and the esoteric Muslim are both sufis at heart....but neither camp recognizes itself or the other as such.
I love what Kathy said about your former husband. I'll second that. As far as repentence, I'd like to see Tom Vilsack, and every other government official who was directly involved in the Shirley Sherrod affair, atone for their poor judgement. I feel like they ruined her career, and they couldn't just fix it by making up a job for her. She told them where to shove it, and good for her. I found that whole business very upsetting.
Weak apologies are not really apologies though, are they?

I love the concept of repentance, as long as it does not nurture guilt, and changes future behavior. It seems easier to do on a nightly basis than once a year. What is something I did or said today that wasn't so smart? Nine times out of ten for me, it was an unnecessary judgment that ended up coming out of my mouth.

Thanks for posting this and reminding us, Lea.
Oh, it's just Annie, I think the best part of religion is the morale compass. But the doctrines get reinterpreted by flawed people, and it turns on itself.

Kathy, I know that this is a serious topic, not really humorous. I just so desperately want for something to shake up this country. It's a fantasy to expect people to look within and really turn. And yes, Chaim was really something, and I am fortunate to be now with a man who respects that and is a really good person.

Bonnie, Boehner does not strike me as a person who reflects much, except on his golf handicap.

Sixty, we have all transgressed during the year. We're human. The key is just to reflect on it, even one day, and sincerely try to improve for the next year.

Candace, that woman is something else. She makes Palin seem like a Rhodes scholar.

Brad, that is a kind way to be. We need to start with ourselves. I am just looking for a way to improve relations in the political world, and trying to change would be one way.

sagemerlin, yours is a sage comment. Sufis are among the greatest of all thinkers and a great influence on many religions.
I like this -- the idea of repenting as way of healing yourself, rather than a way of beating yourself up. I need to draw up my own list of personal crimes, but I agree with the list you provided as well. Reckless disregard for others (repeatedly!) is a special kind of sin.
Bluestocking, yes that is an excellent example of a incident of the past year that could use soul searching.

greenheron, the Jewish religion holds this one day to wipe the slate clean. If one could repent everyday it might be even more effective in order to change behavior. I don't think that it results in guilt as much as realization of flaws, and a way to deal with them. And the apologies should come from the heart.
Thanks for the gentle but persuasive nature of the post. Chiam was a man I wish my husband had known. You and Chiam are right, we need much more atonement in this world, it is hurting badly.
Lea, I see mostly (deserved) Americans on the list and I know this is deliberately so. And I'm with femme in that I would add Christine O'donnell. The theme is universal though. I'm not a church going religious person myself but these words are coming to me now "let him (or her) who is without sin cast the first stone." I'm all for accountability and apologies (if sincere). Great post and love the quote from Gates of Repentance.
Scarlett, I agree that it we all transgress. I just wish those who make false apologies could actually change their behavior, not just spew words. A dream, I know.
Thoughtful post, Lea. I enjoyed it. (I'm also curious why you don't go to temple despite having married a rabbi. I've wondered about your relationship to faith even before you wrote that -- if you ever want to blog about that, you'd have a very interested reader in me and I suspect many more!)

I think true repentance is very difficult. As noted on Mary's blog the other day, many people have trouble even with the simple first step - saying "I'm sorry." Repentance takes it quite a bit further. And then making amends -- well, I think it's a spare few who go that far. And I think it's alien to much of mainstream American culture, despite our supposed saturation in religiosity. Some of the examples you give suggest why -- even people who appeal to religion as their authority seem to resist it.
Very thoughtful and inspiring! I need to repent of my anger! it would do the whole world good for us all to practice repentance!
Rated.
I have to work on my feelings about Dallas...
Agreed Nell. It's easy to talk the talk, not so easy to walk the walk. Even a few steps forward.

And some day I'll write about my non-observance. I was one interesting rebbitzen, that's for sure.
As Jesus told someone, probably an old fart Pharisee who hadn't read your former husband's book, "... first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5; KJV)

I certainly have a beam in my eye. Fortunately I have two eyes and the other one is clear. Figuring that I have a solid 30 hours left to indulge my transgressions of arrogance and cynicism, I can't see how any of the people you listed will ever recognize the error of their ways.
Love this posting, Lea. You are the best!!!! I am going to post it on my site! Thanks.
Nice piece, Lea. One of those essays that leaves the reader thinking long about putting it down. As has been stated, we mustn't forget to look to ourselves, but that won't stop me from expanding on the list you've started.
I'm sure there are a lot of apologies I'd like to hear . . . but would I trust them? Hard to say.

Besides, like others here, I've got my own repentance to deal with . . .
Black Jack, probably true about Hitler (and he would have nothing to do with Judaism,of course). But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Madhuri, Dallas? Kennedy?

Stim, this is assuming we look at ourselves first, of course. But I then can look out and hope.

merriharris, thank you so much.

Yes, David. Ourselves first, long and hard.

Owl, your transgressions are not obvious. At all! But I'm sure as we all do, we can start with ourselves.
That is a cool part from the book on turning. Very inspiring. I am wondering if I could do a general, over-all, blanket mea culpa to the universe without having to get into specifics. Does that still clean the slate?
As others have mentioned, I have many things for which I should repent before I go telling everyone else what they should repent form. True repentance doesn't just mean "I'm really sorry (I got caught, and I'll be up to no good again at my earliest opportunity). " Which is about what most forced political apologies are worth.

I will repent for greed, when I've finished my blueberry muffin. And I'll repent for procrastination when I can get around to it.

But I'll make an exception for these three.
George Bush and Dick Cheney for lying to start a war, wrecking the country financially, and giving the nod to torture. I won't dignify it by euphemism--it was torture, not "enhanced interrogation."

Karl Rove, for behaving in such a way for so many years that his nick name Turdblossom really fits.

rated.
Spud, that's what Yom Kippur is -- a one-stop mea culpa.

I agree with your three, Shiral.
Dick Cheney -- for crimes beyond numbering, but them the Anti-Christ does not repent

Barack Obama -- for failing to even prosecute Cheney for his crimes

Me -- for failing to cut Obama some slack, but not for never cutting Cheney any
In order to repent, one must be aware of and acknowledge their transgression(s). I would guess that some of the individuals that you listed would deny that they have done anything wrong.
R
Lea, the folks you cite at the bottom of your post are those to whom Leonard Cohen refers in The Future:

When they said, repent, repent, repent
I wondered what, they meant.
ahhhh Lea. I love coming here. Between your list and Bonnie's comment, I'm sated. A one stop mea culpa. How great is that? Chaim was a well loved man and we absolutely are going to hold you to a story about your rebbitzen days...

on another note...I feel the need to say I see Chaim not as a former husband, but as a husband now gone to greater things, with you remaining to carry his legacy, reminding us of his life and his deep wisdom...and to linger over his inspired words. I hope your present love completely gets this. I think he must.
You forgot to add Paris Hilton, for thinking she's relevant.
Wow, I'm very impressed that Bill Clinton used Gates of Repentance. Your late husband definitely wrote some beautiful words in that prayerbook--I've been using it since I was a little girl.
There is something about fall that seems to encourage a reflective spirit, in my opinion. I think it lets you know that you are getting older and must brace yourself for another winter, even down here on the coast where the winters aren't outwardly terrible.

You are right that true repentance comes from placing enough value on your sins to make every attempt to turn from them.
Tom, I agree!

littlewillie, great point. Awareness is the first step.

Abrawang, love Leonard Cohen!

Gabby, what a lovely comment. Bill, my husband understands.

What about Lindsay, Brittany and all the others, O?

Karin, maybe you used it on this holiday.

Delia, the fall is turning by definition.
Remember Gregory Rasputin's advice to his Russian followers? "Sin that you may repent." I wonder if he ever reached the second part.
Doubtful, Leon. Doubtful.