The Kind Bellman Who Yelled "F..k You Turd Face!"
Diytrade.com
I arrived at an ancient inn in the heart of England, near Warwickshire. That morning I had visited the cathedral in Warwick, and I spent an afternoon at a cricket match, leaving more confused about the game than ever. I was ready to rest far from sticky wickets and cotton sweaters.
After I checked in at the inn's antique desk, I heard a whooping sound, then a shout, and a tall, pale man walked toward me, sneering. “Fuck you turd face! Can I help you miss?”
I wasn’t sure I was hearing right.
“You have a nice rack there, miss. Let me take that bag for you.”
A chin-challenged, dark-haired chap, smiling a toothy grin and twitching a bit, grabbed my suitcase and walked me down the hall. Then he opened the door to my guestroom and shouted at the top of his lungs, “I want your pussy!”
I realized by now that this hard-working man had Tourette's Syndrome, but in-between the hollering, tics and obscenities, he was kind and soft-spoken.
He explained, as he must have many times, that he wasn't able to get hired for another job, but that the owner of the hotel was his relative, willing to hire him. The bellman had gratefully worked at the elegant inn for years, and said that he never took the morning or night shifts so that he wouldn’t disturb sleeping guests.
According to him most visitors were polite, curious, sympathetic and understanding about his condition, and chalked the whole thing up to English eccentricity. Plus, like me, they talked about the experience for years, which certainly didn’t hurt business.
After the bellman pointed out the attributes of the room in both practical and pornographic turns, I tipped him heavily, as most folks probably did.
“Thank you kindly miss,” he smiled and twitched as he closed the door. “Up your ass!”
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Comments
R
Adaptability is what counts. It was a win-win situation, Owl.
And as a comic once said, cricket is the only sport that would get a heroin addict up off the couch to change the channel. He's right. Watched part of a match at Lord's and was completely flummoxed.
Yes, cricket seems to me to be an excuse to drink beer all day and sit with friends.
Hilarious telling!!
Elijah, the bellmen and other hotel workers may want to curse and say those things but can't. This man could say whatever came into his head and was excused. That was amazing.
I guess you could say it was "turrets" rather than the correctly spelled "Tourette's".
After all, Tourette's leads to shooting off one's mouth as a gun in a turret.
Oh, BTW, "up your ass".lol
Myriad, oh my. Have at it, girl.
Wonder how other guests, unfamiliar with Oliver Sach's writing, reacted to this extraordinary man.
I knew a young woman who had Tourette's. Everyone in the office realized she had a problem and she kept her office job for years, until the company moved to your fucking neck of the woods--sorry--I meant Florida, Boca, to be specific.
When the whole room went silent and every set of eyes were on me, all I could think to say?
"I blame the Tourette's"
Linnnn, we have no excuses. I often talk to myself because of my many years being solo, and sometimes I'm not aware someone is in the room. And yes, it's embarrassing.
especially because he was in a hospitality position
where he could cause the hotel to lose business.
Thanks for sharing your tales and your open mind/heart!
sixtycandles, I had no choice. Either act with aplomb, or take offense, or burst out laughing. You had to be there!
stephsalive, the interesting part is they made lemonade out of f-ing lemons!
Missy, you mean you haven't?
AJ, so glad you got the "touching" part. That often underlies humor.
Roger, indeed these types of stories do test your ability to keep the tone humorous, but without derision. Glad you think I accomplished that.
Barry, I could see Monty Python or Basil Fawlty with an episode like this. Spot on.
Scarlett, you're welcome. I think we needed both following the recent election.
Nelle, I was stunned. But I couldn't laugh out loud then. Just inside. And now.
Lezlie
Christine, I didn't see the movie, but now I will. Thanks!
oh, and myriad gets the award for best comment by a mile. ;
I wonder if many guests were as kind as you.
Just Thinking, he said they were kind. You couldn't help but be, besides being shocked.
Gwool, another funny comment!
sophieh, many of us had no idea what this was until not long ago. When I was a child there was a boy in my class who had the syndrome, I'm sure. But we just thought he was "weird."
Fred! That's hilarious.
Nikki, you are an empathic person, but it is such an absurd situation that it makes most of laugh (in a respectful way, of course!).
Roy, you and Barry are on the same page there.
Antoinette, so that's why some drivers are constantly cursing! Periodic bouts of the syndrome triggered by stress and cars.
Tom, now that Greg Girardi is gone, alas, the fellow might have a gig.
Chicago Guy (welcome to the FRONT page), I'm glad you caught the hidden meaning behind the tale.
Gail, another vote for Monty Python.
dirndl and rwnutjob, thanks for the support. They're certainly here first --who knows where else later?
Scanner, very funny. I never heard anyone say sticky wicket in regard to cricket. Maybe it is a dirty joke!
Gary, I hope you can see that I understood the problem, but still the surprise element is really funny--elegance and bawdiness are a strange mix.
Mary, that's an excuse I've heard before. Somehow I wouldn't buy it. Nope.
Eve and Carol, you seem to be on the same page as far as the election goes. See above comment about Carl Paladino, who thankfully is NOT governor of NY.
Funny Sally, I never met Claus; just his lover, Andrea. But his daughter does have a nice Fifth Ave. apartment.
Coyote, the reviews must be charming. I am on the case and did ask just the other day, which led to my remembering and writing this.
Richardbl, I couldn't understand the rules, or what I saw going on. And people were drinking so much around me I don't think they much cared.
Bell, he must have dealt with some difficult people but he seemed content and even cheerful.
Sheila, are you sure it was the syndrome or was he just cursing out his wife on his cell?
great post!
Stim, missed you too on the last pass. VERY funny about the Wife of Bath!
vzn, yes it is a disease and most people understand it better in this day and age.
Thanks, Sweetfeet, Bud, lsmoopie mginmn, and Hermione.
Spud, and Pilgrim, plan on doing just that. Thanks.
freebobbafett, sorry I put you through all that. No self-flagellation needed.
Gabby, I hope not.
Rod, glad I made you laugh and any thought of Bourdain is ok by me.
maryway, kindness is always a great plus, and along with humor can get you through practically anything.
Rosy, love your tales. We are of the same generation and I feel I revisit my own past when I read you.
Thanks for the terrific telling.
---Gary