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Dear Mommy,
Camp is fine. I am the best swimmer they ever had at camp. Next week I will move on from the dogpaddle. I played Bozo the clown at the camp show and got the most claps. Please send more money. I need a new comb for when my hair gets wet.
**
Dear Dad,
Thank you for the graduation present. A million dollars isn't a million dollars any more, but I have studied business plans carefully and plan to invest it in Polaroid. As I am now Ivy-League educated, I have no doubt the money will grow.
**
Dear Dad,
Thanks for officially taking me into the family real estate business at such short notice. I would like to move out of Queens and into Manhattan to make a name for myself. Btw, I think we should change the family name. Trump reminds people of a card game and rhymes with "chump." I won't be using that name on anything unless it is changed to "King," I assure you!
**
Hey Dumb and Poor Editor,
Excuse me. What do you mean "he was born on third base and claims he hit a triple"? I've done everything myself! And as for the bankruptcies, everyone has down times. Mine are just more spectacular because I'm smart and rich. And anyway, I would say I was "born at home plate and claim I hit a home run!" It is more fitting for my level of success.
**
Honey,
Last night was amazing. I was at the peak of my prowess if I have to say so myself, and I guess I do. Did you really think my hair is thinning? Maybe I'll comb it forward. No one will notice.
**
Dear Hawaiian Detectives,
Since I'm sure you haven't found the Obama birth certificate yet, stop looking and I'll give you a weekend at any Trump Resort (not Christmas or New Year's).
**
Dear Sean,
Thank you for that really fair interview, unlike Anderson Cooper over at CNN who doesn't give me the respect that an Ivy-educated multibillionaire deserves.
And Sean, don't let the "Hannity the Manatee" thing get you down. Believe it or not, people put down my weight too, and call me a "clown" and make fun of my hair. I've got the best hair of any guy I know, and I use Mario, the best barber in the world.
**
Hey De Niro.
Who you calling "crazy"? You talking to me? As I've told lots of people already, you're "not the sharpest knife in the drawer" and you peaked in the '70s. Excuse me, I'm still peaking, and I'm richer than you. How dare you. Bobby. You and Seinfeld will never appear on Celebrity Apprentice unless I run for president, and then -- who cares?
**
Dear Meatloaf,
Are you sure you would never consider being my vice-president? Let me know asap or I will have to contact Bret Michaels.
**
Dear Board of Elections,
You are wrong to say I didn't vote in 21 New York primaries. It was less than 20 primaries, and I was busy doing things that rich and powerful people do so I shouldn't be held to the same standards as other New Yorkers.
And by the way, the fact that I have registered as a Republican, Democrat and Independent in the last few years shows that I am open-minded, and reflects on my intelligence, and should make up for any lack of voting.
**
Dear President Obama,
Actually I don't really care where you were born. And I do know you got good grades. And off the record, I have no interest in running against you. It would cost too much, even though I am so much richer than you.
I do want to know if you could appear on a future Celebrity Apprentice Ivy League after your second term. You would have my word that Gary Busey, Omerosa, and NeNe will not appear with you.
George Bush might.
**
Dear Mario the Barber,
You're fired!
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Comments
It is so slow.
rated with hugs
Another letter that could be added is a memo to the very competent and talented Carolyn Kepcher who was his assistant in the earlier series of "The Apprentice" and who was fired by him for being too much in the limelight after the series aired. Lots of media attention are reserved for one person only and we know who that is!!
Funny piece, clever premise.
You know that I am sincere since I am the best and richest writer at OS. Why, I just got 200 ratings on my last post...what's that? Well...the VALUE of the ratings plus my tenure here adds up to 200..
Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. My rich friends at OS can't even get an EP, but all those people on the cover never even went to school. They were never born, either. My investigators can't find anything and hamsters died while they were trying.
Three Golden Zumas.
Viva el Jefe Trumpo!
r