Eight Shallow, Offbeat Reasons to Reelect President Obama
The election polls remains close, and the five percent or so of undecided voters may make the difference in swing states.
Look, if you’re still on the fence after all the ads and speeches and debates, by now it’s time to climb down and decide, don’tcha think?
And if the tax theories, Roe v. Wade and other fact and figures aren’t clearing your mind and helping you decide, or if you're a devout Green Party defender who just needs one compelling reason to convince you vote for the Dem, let’s shake it up.
Here are a few offbeat, admittedly shallow, but nevertheless persuasive scenarios that might happen if you don’t reelect Barack Obama:
-- Widows peaks would come into vogue. Do you really want to see right-wing men and women blackening the middle of their foreheads in emulation of the new veep? It would be so retro, a throwback to when women were penciling beauty spots on their faces like Elizabeth Taylor in the 1950s. The Eddie Munster look is not a good one on man, woman or beast.
-- Speaking of beasts, the nation’s dog would need secret service protection to assure he is not abused. Can we as a country trying to reduce the deficit really afford this? And do we want to spend four years worrying about an animal’s well-being?
-- We’d have to learn five new sons' names and the names of their spouses and kids, just when we’ve finally figured out which of POTUS’ girls is Malia and which is Sasha. And are you really ready for a first-son named Tagg, who’s already said he’d like to take a swing at our current President? Sounds like the White House could become more like Animal House.
-- Joe Biden wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he weren’t wing man, except maybe become president of a condo in Delaware where he could hole away and vent. Spare him, spare the condo association.
-- Donald Trump would get to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. He might bring Gary Busey with him, and NeNe Leakes. Can you imagine these folks throwing pillows at each other in this hallowed room? Not a good visual, even one at a time. Please respect the memory of our greatest president and keep that clown as far away as possible from anywhere people have to make rational decisions.
-- Dumbbells would be in the oval office. Hand-held weights, too (visual of Ryan on the Time cover pumping iron, cap-backward, Alfred E. Neumann expression).
-- Which reminds me that we’ll lose the arms race, specifically Michele Obama’s guns. I’m not sure what Anne Romney’s arms look like, or Willard's, but safe to say we’ll never see the likes of Michele’s again in a FLOTUS or a POTUS. (Although Ryan seems to be working out with better results than his marathon time.)
And a final, purely personal plea. I have admitted on this site to being the same age as the veep, and I still feel in the game. But Paul Ryan was born in the same year on the very same day as my son. That would remind me constantly that I am old enough to be the mom of a vice-president or the president. Ouch.
So undecideds, if there are any of you reading this far down (maybe you couldn't decide whether to stop), please think of all these admittedly shallow, superficial consequences, and so many others like them. And if you’re still not sure, be kind to this well-meaning lady who cares about our future, and even though you may know me only virtually, make that last reason enough to get you off the damned fence and reelect Barack Obama.