Tonight the New Orleans Saints returned victorious from Miami to a city that knows how to throw a party like no other. 

I'm not a football fan, but I took a very real risk of being trampled to death to film the homecoming parade.  All for you, loyal readers.  (And,… Read full post »

The Saints won.

I cleaned up on tips.

I never want to see fried catfish or gumbo again as long as I live.

In fact, I sort of want to die now.

Elvis has figured out that the proper response to the question WHO DAT? is to imitate a car horn blaring. … Read full post »

...try out a new plan.

 (I apologize I haven't written much on Open Salon in a while--had a lot going on in my life, none of it conducive to blogging.) 

For months now, for some reason Netflix has been trying to push Californication on me.  I have steadfastly avoided it on the grounds that 1.) I… Read full post »

I hope you all had a safe and happy Christmas. 

 UPDATE:  Here's me and Bob and Gator Claus.  He's next to the gator with antlers.  There's really not much rhyme or reason to Celebration in the Oaks at City Park.

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 Dearest readers-- I did not write this.  This is chapter three of "11 Months," a multi-chaptered Mary Sueish mature-rated fanfiction story concerning the domestic adventures of Martha May Who and The Grinch.  11 months, if you're wondering, is the gestation period for Grinch/Who hybri… Read full post »

Last night I candled Jane's eggs (the low-tech bird version of an ultrasound; involves a dark room and a flashlight).  She's laid two more in the box since my last post, so she's been sitting day and night on eight eggs now.

Four have chicks growing inside that were visible to… Read full post »

Jane finally figured out what the nest box was for and has spent the past three days and nights brooding, with only brief breaks to eat, use the bathroom, and have noisy 6 am bird sex with Enoch on the curtain rod. 

She has six eggs in the box.  Three are… Read full post »

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It seems we have forgotten two little rules that make the world go 'round smoothly.

 1.)  Don't get drunk and have sex with anyone you don't real-world know that well,

and

2.) Don't get drunk and have sex with anyone you have reasonable cause to suspect just might be crazier than you.… Read full post »

In addition to being a female-bird-in-a-male-bird's-body and a nymphomaniac with a fetish for oscillating fans, Elvis is apparently a furry.

And she's very possessive of her new lover.  I have the bite marks on my thumb to prove it. Read full post »

Wow.  That'll learn me.

 I go out for a day and try my best to get a real world life, and when I come back all this shit's going down, and everybody's yelling at everybody, and everybody else is yelling at them to calm down and stop yelling, and thirteen OS… Read full post »

"Since his wife died, he has been in love with the birdbath.  Typical Southern sense of reality."--Flannery O'Connor, on her pet swan Mr. Hood. 

They've been preening, talking to, singing at, and generally showing off for this pretty birdie for over an hour now.

 … Read full post »

This is why I say I became a success the moment I left town.

(The people in question are in the first segment:  Sascha Collins, Ericka Spoonire, and Dano--he went by Danny back in the day--Keihn.  I rode bus route #12 with the Keihns in grade school, and the little shit… Read full post »

1.  When I was in school in England I kept having a recurring dream that I was being followed around by a lobster.  The lobster never threatened me, it was just a lobster.  I would be absolutely terrified by this until I woke up, then wonder what the fuck was wrong/… Read full post »

This little guy walked in to the gallery and came up by the desk and just sat there for a few minutes looking at me till a customer almost stepped on his tail. Then he panicked, flew into the window, and knocked himself silly and into the trash can. I… Read full post »

What happens when writers dress themselves.

Dearest and most esteemed readers, 

In honor of all the slutty Nurse/ slutty cheerleader/ slutty Dorothy Gale/ slutty witch/ slutty zookeeper/ slutty teacher/ slutty nun/ slutty bride/ slutty slut costumes complete with visible garter belts and stocking tops we'll all be seeing tonight and tomor… Read full post »

OK, Dad, you were right. There ARE things between New Orleans and Morgan City besides the swamps and a bunch of Cajuns. There are also sugarcane fields, trailers, primer-colored vehicles, bingo parlors, abandoned drydocked boats, United Holy Metal Building Churches of God, porno emporiums, Confederat… Read full post »

Along with the much more numerous and visible Irish, Italians, French, Spanish, African-American, and Vietnamese groups, New Orleans has a sizeable German population.  A few months ago I learned that ALL of my father's ancestors emigrated not just from Germany to Indiana (which I already kn… Read full post »

I’m a bad American.

I completely forgot that Friday was September 11. 

See, I was in Ensenada, Mexico, building houses for Youth with a Mission/Homes of Hope.  My little brother’s company sends people down several times a year to do just that, and since they didn’t have e/… Read full post »

I actually came up with this character eight years ago, when my mother was in the hospital after an emergency hysterectomy.  She was peeing through what was called a "supra-pubic catheter" (basically a tube through a hole in her abdomen) which the nurses kept calling a "superpube.… Read full post »