1. Flip-flops. Much like Crocs, these are for the beach, the swimming pool, public showers, smashing cockroaches around the house, taking out the garbage, and running across the street to the 7-11 at midnight to buy toilet paper. They are not everyday shoes. They make you walk funny because your toes have to grip that little thong-thingy to keep the shoe on your foot. Then I find out that there is such a thing as “name-brand” rubber flip-flops, that they’re called Havaianas, and that they cost a minimum of $18 a pair. For that price, go out and buy some real sandals.
2. Wearing scarves with tank tops. It’s things like this that give the word “retarded” a bad name.
3. High-waisted, skinny black ankle-length jeans with ballet slippers. This looked good on one woman in the entirety of recorded history—Audrey Hepburn. Normally I’d support any good-taste effort to channel Miss Hepburn, but unless you are a chain-smoking, probably anorexic, classically trained ballerina with stunted bone development resulting from spending your childhood being starved by Nazis, put on some normal pants.
4. Leggings. For some reason, these are being worn under sundresses. Not only does this look stupid, it totally defeats the point of wearing a sundress. Girls, we’re in southern Louisiana. The heat index is 114. Why on earth are you encasing your crotch and thighs in skintight synthetic polymers? That’s just asking for skankiness to develop.
5. The whole 80s look. I know you know it’s ugly, but you say you’re being nostalgic and retro. You can reminisce while not being dressed like a total dumbass, you know. If you’re not sure what not to wear, go rent The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension. If you recognize any part of your wardrobe in Ellen Barkin’s outfits, save it for a costume party.
6. The abundance of dyed and straightened hair. One, you’re not fooling anyone. Two, it’s costly and time-consuming. Three, it’s bad for your hair. Four, and most importantly—all colors and textures of hair can be pretty. Quit worrying about what you don’t have and work with what you do.
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Comments
Blackflon--Absolutely.
Jane said, without missing a beat or cracking a smile, "Yeah, but mine's natural."
SERIOUSLY?? FLIP FLOPS ON BABIES? Where is Child Protective Services?
Rated!
Thongs became normalized with our cultures obsession with prostitutes - most 13 year olds dress like one now.
Which is the first place I saw CROCS. Post Hurricane Katrina when I was there EVERYONE was wearing those stupid things.
LadyMiko--Thanks!
Deborah--By all means, do so! Just be sure and post pictures. Also, I want to shake most 13 year olds and ask them if their mothers let them out of the house like that. I'm officially old.
Trig--I'll admit that I own a pair of flip-flops AND a pair of pink mock-Crocs, but they're only worn for the purposes described in #1. To everything there is a season.
but, I agree, it pains me to see flip-flops worn in inappropriate settings (work, church, the White House) - pretty much any place outside of the beach, the house, and Wendy's.
as for the others - as I tell my daughter - it was UGLY the first time!
And, I absolutely LURRVVEE THIS -
High-waisted, skinny black ankle-length jeans with ballet slippers. This looked good on one woman in the entirety of recorded history—Audrey Hepburn.
RATED
Not quite how I recall it going the first time.
Lisa--I keep waiting for them to make summer dresses with something OTHER than spaghetti straps. I've worn a serious bra for over half my life now. The girls need support, and D-cup strapless numbers have a way of migrating downwards. Also, why do no wedding gowns have sleeves anymore?
LittleWillie--There are many things one shouldn't Google.
Lilyrahel--I'm hoping those high-top Eastland hiking boots come back into style. I wore a pair of those pretty much EVERY DAY in eighth grade, mainly to piss off my mother with their ugliness.
The end is nigh.
And what DIDN'T look good on Audrey Hepburn?
A lot of things wouldn't look good on Audrey Hepburn, mainly because the woman was SKINNY and had no tits whatsoever. She was just smart enough to know what worked and what didn't, and she didn't go out in public in the stuff that didn't.
Lainey--As long as you promise not to wear them to church.
I love wearing my Havianas around the house tho. Three years and counting. They last.
Like I told Lainey, there's a time and a place for flip-flops. Sounds like you're in the clear. (Me, I rarely bother with shoes unless I'm going outside. If it weren't for the broken glass and dogshit and vomit that's perpetually on my sidewalk, I probably wouldn't even bother then.)