No, Lee, tell us what you REALLY think...

Leeandra Nolting

Leeandra Nolting
Location
New Orleans, Louisiana, United States
Birthday
July 08
Title
Assistant Guru (not to be confused with Assistant to the Guru)
Bio
Proud native Hoosier who’s settled permanently in New Orleans. Teach English. Live in an old whorehouse with three very talkative and sexually-confused birds and one very talkative bird that isn’t sexually confused at all but just wants what s/he wants, which is pretty much everything and everybody. They appear quite frequently in my writing. Former bedpan wrangler, radio announcer, preschool teacher, and freshman comp. instructor. Once accidentally picked out A Clockwork Orange for a make-out movie. Have a very rational appreciation for the works of Flannery O’Connor and the television show The X-Files and an irrational fear of Meg Ryan. All my friends are drunks.

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Salon.com
DECEMBER 17, 2009 2:18PM

My Christmas Plea

Rate: 16 Flag
tree lit up
(It's fake, white, and pre-lit with multi-colored lights, with an extra strand of bubble lights thrown on for good measure.  Not pictured is the multi-colored light-up star that I'm still trying to get to stay on straight.  Elvis developed an unnatural attachment to the angel.)
  

Driving around at night nowadays, I must say I am tired of tasteful Christmas decorations.  I am tired of the endless tiny white icicle lights.  I am tired of the green garlands wrapped just so around the railings .  I am tired of the houses that look like they came out of Martha Stewart Living.

 Where are all the big-bulbed flashing colored lights?  Where are the Santas praying at the side of Baby Jesuses?  Where are the inflatable yard angels?  Where are the humping reindeer I remember so fondly from my childhood? 

Look, they sell light-up pink flamingos in Santa hats at K-Mart.  They sell Christmas hippos and Christmas pelicans and Christmas octupii. 

My landlord won't let me string blinking colored lights on the fire escape/balcony. 

 You people with yards have no excuse.  Tacky it up, folks.

BONUS FEATURE:  From the basement of the AFI (the Abplanalp Film Institute), this 1982 gem shot entirely on location at the Batesville, Indiana, home of Ferdinand and Mary Magdalene Abplanalp using the pioneering technology of Handheld UnSteadicam. It stars a young yours truly as "Leeann," the little girl in the red dress who keeps obsessively sweeping up after everyone, can't keep her fingers out of her mouth, and can't sit her butt still for thirty damn seconds to take a group picture of all the grandkids.   Soundtrack by the great Gene Autry.

 

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Um...they are all here! Honolulu, HI.
Deborah--Mele Kalikimaka.
JK--Even better--my cousin Chrissy is sporting leg WARMERS. It was, after all, 1982.
We have a 6o foot menorah in our front hard with 8 ten foot candles that explode every ten minutes. Happy now?
R
Abplanalp? Wow, I haven't seen THAT many presents under a tree since around the time this was filmed. And yes, YOU WERE CUTE!
Grandpa (the old guy in the yellow sweater) died at the age of 90 in 2005.

Grandma (the old lady with the bouffant and giant glasses) died at 82 in 2007.

The blond girl in the plaid skirt (Rita) is married and has five children of her own now.

The girl in the leg warmers (Chrissy) is married and has three.

The blond girl in the blue shirt mugging for the camera is a cop in Carmel, Indiana.

The man with the moustache is my father. The baby he's feeding is my brother Eric, who is supposed to enter training to be an air traffic controller any time now.

The blond girl in the green velvet jumper and tights who hits me upside the head for no reason is Marysue. She is a registered nurse, is married and lives in the very house this was filmed in with her husband, their 11-year-old daughter, and her younger brother Joey (the curly-haired blond boy in the red overalls).
John--I want one of those. I'm not Jewish, but Jesus was.

JK--Flashdance.

Trig--Thanks, and yes, my mother was an Abplanalp.
Weren't you cute. We have no films of Christmases past. I'm going to take this up with parents as a sign that they didn't love me.
Love it Leeandra! You are soooooo cute in your red dress bouncing around!!! I love the half pictures of everyone, too. Ah, the good old days of video.
Mrs. Michaels--You know there's only one way they can make up for this lack of love, and that's by buying it.

C Berg--These were actually shot on 8mm. Video didn't enter my family until the summer of 1986, when Uncle Jim bought a GIANT camcorder in anticipation of the arrival of his first grandchild, Katie. (Katie's mother is the brown-haired 13-year-old girl here in the plaid blouse with the ruffles and lace on it.)
Elvis, elvis, elvis...

*shakes head & wanders off in search of sanity...*
Oh... I love the fake white tree!
My husband looked terrified when we saw the pink flamingos with Santa hats.

"You are NOT getting one," he told me.

He's no fun. *pouts*
We have an agnostic living next door who put up a 10' high red neon question mark. Does that count?
Brian--Anything with wings.

Fishing--Me too. I figure if you're gonna go fake and tacky, go fake and tacky.

AshKW--He's no fun.

Jeff-That TOTALLY counts.
There's a house down the street that has those old-style multi-colored lights all over--I love them! The white ones are so boring!
We used to go to Celebration in the Oaks in City Park, then head off to Metairie to look at the amazing array of hideously awesome Christmas decorations. The most outrageous display was the house owned by a guy named Copeland, the fellow responsible for Popeye's chicken, I believe. So check out Metairie (don't know if it's the same since Katrina, tho).
Around these parts, there was a place near Bucktown we used to call Candyland owing to the way people displayed their Christmas decoration finery. Now that it's been "gentrifed" - no more glory.

Loved watching your family footage - have a great Christmas!
adorable kiddies. i love the white tree. and elvis, ya gotta love that bird. he's such a pervert.

wait 'til i post a pic of our ugly tree. but i don't have any big flashing colored lights. some hideous garland, though. you'll see.

happy whatsmas, leeandra. hope the eggs are warm.
Karin--Agreed.

Nelly--I'd heard that about Al Copeland's place, but never got around to seeing it before he died. Yes, he is the founder of Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits, and for that alone I love him.

In Versailles (pronounced ver-sales) Indiana, there's a house that looks like Candyland crossed with the Griswolds. People drive from all over to come see it. One year we went and took our cousin Joey (the blond curly-haired toddler in this movie). He was about 8 or 9 at the time. We stood there in silence, taking in the awesome crappy wonder that was this house's Christmas decor, and Joey said, "You know HIS wife can't say to him 'What have you been doing? Sitting on your ass all day?' 'No, woman, I've been stringing up Christmas lights!'" We all burst out laughing because we could totally hear Aunt Judy and Uncle Joe having that conversation. It was a magical Christmas moment.

Femme--Do post. The eggs should have hatched 3 days ago at the latest. I don't know what happened. Jane continues to sit on them, turn them, etc. I'm going to let her keep doing so until they hatch, she gives up, or they start to smell. I don't have the heart to do otherwise.
Haha!
I would tacky it up---if I weren't so lazy. All I could really manage was putting a wreath on the door.
Sorry so late, Leeandra. You know why. This was worth coming back for.

Merry Christmas.

Monte
Beautiful post, Merry Christmas!
What a cool tree -- and video. The tree looks like an apparition. Nothing tacky here. Happy Holidays!