No, Lee, tell us what you REALLY think...
Leeandra Nolting
- Location
- New Orleans, Louisiana, United States
- Birthday
- July 08
- Title
- Assistant Guru (not to be confused with Assistant to the Guru)
- Bio
- Proud native Hoosier who’s settled permanently in New Orleans. Teach English. Live in an old whorehouse with three very talkative and sexually-confused birds and one very talkative bird that isn’t sexually confused at all but just wants what s/he wants, which is pretty much everything and everybody. They appear quite frequently in my writing. Former bedpan wrangler, radio announcer, preschool teacher, and freshman comp. instructor. Once accidentally picked out A Clockwork Orange for a make-out movie. Have a very rational appreciation for the works of Flannery O’Connor and the television show The X-Files and an irrational fear of Meg Ryan. All my friends are drunks.
MY RECENT POSTS
- Seven Things I'm Not Supposed
to Like But Do
December 20, 2011 11:12PM - Seven Things I'm Not Supposed
to Like But Do
December 20, 2011 11:12PM - Seven Things I'm Supposed to
Like But Don't
December 18, 2011 09:32PM - Ordinary Germans
November 27, 2011 10:19PM - The Decline and Fall of the
American Empire: Cage Match
Time
September 20, 2011 04:24PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “I never claimed that
mothers do not work, nor that
Ann Romney
did not work
while…”
April 12, 2012 07:59PM - “I don't hate Lost in
Translation. I'm just sort of
ehh about
it. Admitting this
i…”
December 21, 2011 02:15PM - “Which two?”
December 18, 2011 10:25PM - “Buy gravel, not kitty
litter.
And a folding
shovel.
Rated.”
December 05, 2011 01:50PM - “Thanks,
everybody.
As to not
being listened to when I
complained about her
in
th…”
November 29, 2011 10:22PM
Leeandra Nolting's Links
Open Call: Favorite Poems
So there's this new meme going around asking for our favorite poems, and I have too many. But here's one, translated by my former professor Dr. Baer, which pisses me off, because it says in the last two lines what it takes most poets a lifetime to figure out how to… Read full post »
Laissez les bon temps rouler!
Here 'tis, Mardi Gras 2009, in the kind of extremely low definition only a $50 drugstore video camera can provide. All footage was shot by yours truly except for the bit of me dressed as Audrey Hepburn, which was shot by my boyfriend. He appears as the man in the purple… Read full post »
Worth a thousand words...
I could write a whole blog about Mardi Gras, but I'm too damn tired. So here's the picture that pretty well sums up the spirit of the season--Audrey Hepburn pouring Southern Comfort down the throat of Cookie Monster.
Oh, Michael Savage, sometimes you amuse me so...
I just heard a quip of "The Savage Nation," in which the esteemed Dr. Savage was going off on why no one watches the Oscars anymore.
Apparently it is the fault of Meryl Streep and Sophia Loren, who were "dressed in something you remember your grandmother wearing. Think back to when… Read full post »
Getting Biblical on you mothers...
A reading from the Book of Leeandricus:
Verily, I say unto thee, thou shall train up thy sons that that raiment which is clean shall be hung up on hangers or put in the drawers, and that raiment which is unclean shall be put in the hamper. That raiment/… Read full post »
The fog comes / on little cat feet /
It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunchesRead full post »
and then moves on.
Regarding your ladies' clothing departments...
An open letter to Wal-Mart, K-Mart, and Target:
All of you--I wear a size 34D bra. (Yes, pervert, they are real.) Supposedly the average American woman wears a 36C. That means I’m only a band size down and a cup size up from the statistical average. So w/… Read full post »
My Mommy Dressed Me and Did My Hair
Just for fun...
July 4th, 1982. I still basically look like this, but with darker hair.
This picture basically sums up the first twenty or so years of my little brother's life.
Plotting matricide on the first day of kindergarten at Rosenmund School.&nbs… Read full post »
The Greatest Invention Ever
(Note: this is not my Diva Cup. Nor is it my hand. It's just a picture I pulled off the internet.)
To the male readers of my blog: this post contains descriptions of lady stuff. You have been duly warned. Proceed at your own risk.
I have to put a… Read full post »
Mulder, it's Elvis, Or: A Bird's Eye View
***UPDATE as of 7-9-10. Elvis has now been determined to be a male cockatiel. Laugh all you want, but this is not as easy a distinction to make as you think it is. Cockatiels all have female plumage until the first molt, and Elvis was sold to me as a… Read full post »
Been looking at my budget books for 2007, trying to find places to save. Apologize that this isn't better written.
1. Laundry. I have no laundry facilities where I rent. I have laundry down to a science. I have to load/bungee cord my laundry into a little wheelie cart every week… Read full post »
Last night Mom called me and was telling me about a book she was reading about the history of various classic American toys, and we got to talking about what on earth kids these days will remember of their childhoods. (The boyfriend remembered playing Nintendo for hours on end, which explains… Read full post »
The only one of my love poems that isn't an argument.
Love is a Matter of Chemisty, Sex is a Matter of Physics
The Wilsons, teachers of the sciences
at Greensburg High, they gave us secret hope,
us nerds and geeks, for their alliances
produced proof--offspring--not just corny jokes.
We wisecracked on their use of microscopes
in school van backseats while comi… Read full post »
Growing up in rural Indiana, I never really thought about living in New Orleans. My aunt lived in the… Read full post »
The title is autobiographical. The rest isn't.
The Coy Mistress Hears Aaron Neville on a Walgreens Loudspeaker While Price-Shopping for a Dayrunner at Two in the Morning
Since I have neither world
nor time
I'll tell it like it is: a crime
That for three centuries you’ve used
The same exhausted lines a… Read full post »
Are you trying to be a sexy vampire?
It’s that time of year in New Orleans again.
As always, Carnival season officially starts on Twelfth Night (a.k.a. The Feast of the Epiphany, a.k.a. Three Kings’ Day, a.k.a. January 6th), and culminates on Mardi Gras (French for “Fat Tuesday”), the day before Ash Wednesday and… Read full post »
but everybody else is doing it!--the 25 things list...
1. My name on my original birth certificate has a capital “A” in the middle. This was legally changed to a lower-case “a” two years later, but has still caused no end of official confusion over the years.
2. I once treaded water for 45 minutes at the YMCA pool when… Read full post »
but the secret ingredient is love...
Leeandra’s “Of Course There’s A Lot of Goddamn Cheese in It, It’s Fucking Baked Macaroni and Cheese” Baked Macaroni and Cheese--A Festive and Crowd-Pleasing Holiday Recipe in Only Thirty-One Easy Steps.
Ingredients:
1 box Kraft macaroni and cheese, regular size
1 can Ca… Read full post »
Is my son normal?
I don't quite know why this is, but I seem to cosmically attract two situations. The first is that women (not just my mother) want to dress me in their hand-me-down clothes. My aunts, my boss' wife, random ladies I barely know--all will ask me, "What size do you wear? I have… Read full post »
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